Musings-N-Stuff

PLEASE UPDATE YOUR INFO!!!!

2009-08-27T23:00:00.004-05:00

I have made the decision to begin a new blog at WordPress. I am just loving working with that format much more than Blogger, and I am beginning a new focus for my blogging as I try to change my outlook on life. Less stress; more of Jesus. Really embracing and grabbing all that God has created for me in this life. I feel like this blog, like my life, has too much baggage attached to it, and I just need a fresh start. I'm not erasing this or any of my blogs on Blogger; I may still write a book or something using them. Just moving forward for now! I hope those of you who read this blog will continue to read my ramblings on life over at Breaking the Mold.

See ya on the flipside!!!

Dinner tonight - pulled pork and homemade fries

2009-08-25T18:58:00.002-05:00

Just hit on another "winner," at least as far as my husband was concerned. The sauce was a tad too spicy for me, but he gobbled down two sandwiches. He ate one, went to the bathroom and blew his nose and wiped his eyes, and then had another one. If you or your spouse likes spicy foods...try this recipe. If you don't care for pork, I'm sure a beef roast or even chicken would taste good, too. Tofu or tempeh could be a good choice if you are a vegetarian - the sauce is what makes it yummy - and best of all, it's made with things that you'd typically find in your house.

INGREDIENTS:

Any kind of boneless pork [roast, several boneless chops, whatever!]
1 cup of ketchup
1/4 cup of apple cider vinegar
1/4 cup of water
1/8 cup of packed brown sugar
1/2 Tbsp cayenne pepper [less to taste; I wouldn't advise more!]
1/2 Tbsp garlic powder
1 small onion, finely chopped

The recipe I used also calls for yellow mustard, but we never have mustard in the house because we both dislike it, and the sauce is just fine without!

Mix all ingredients together; cook in a saucepan on low for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally. Pour over pork in slow cooker - the longer it marinates, the better it is [I usually do it the night before, stick the whole thing in the fridge, and turn it on the next day]. Cooks all day on the "low" setting.

It's really good served on sourdough rolls, toasted with a little butter on them...YUM!!!

THE FRIES...

I have spent years and years trying to make homemade steak fries. I like fries with more substance, and I like not having to buy a bag of Ore Ida fries in addition to potatoes. It takes about 5 minutes more work than cooking the frozen ones...BUT, I never quite got the knack. But I finally hit on it, so I thought I'd share it with anyone who stumbles onto my corner of the blogosphere:

Average about 1-2 [depending on size and your definition of "medium"] medium potatoes per person.

*Cut potato in half.
*Cut each half into four equal pieces.
*Repeat with each potato.
*THE KEY to my success: Pat the pieces dry with a towel.
*Spray a cookie sheet with Pam.
*Place the potato pieces on cookie sheet [Duh].
*Spray potatoes with a coat of Pam.
*Sprinkle with whatever seasoning you use - I use a combination of Lawry's and pepper.
*Cook for 20 minutes, flipping them with a spatula halfway through.

Done!!

Next week, stay tuned...I need to try out a NEW recipe, per my personal challenge. If it turns out well, I will let you know!!!

I'm God's favorite...

2009-08-24T09:29:00.010-05:00

...and below are some things He created just for me. Enjoy the photo gallery [the dog is not actually Cubby - all my pictures of her disappeared in the rebuilding of my computer - but I found a dog online that sort of looks like her!]!!

Lemon Bars

2009-08-23T19:29:00.002-05:00

I promised to post the recipe for the lemon bars I made last week - they are not "friendly" as far as any weight loss plan goes...but if you cut them small and use restraint when eating them [I am limiting myself to one per day], they're not too bad :o).

LEMON BARS
2 c. flour
1 c. butter or margarine
1/2 c. powdered sugar
4 eggs
6 Tbsp lemon juice [or the juice of 2 lemons...I only had one lemon, and I supplemented the rest with 2 teaspoons of lemon extract, and that worked beautifully!]6 Tbsp flour
2 c. sugar
1 c. shredded coconut [I would imagine you could leave this out - we both like coconut, and we had some that we were trying to use up, so...]

Frosting [again, you can skip this and just dust them with powdered sugar. I love frosting, so that's what we got. It does make them SUPER sweet, so cut into smaller squares if you go this route]

Mix flour, butter, and powdered sugar as pie crust. Bake in 15 x 12 inch cookie sheet for 20 minutes at 350 degrees [I used my silicone casserole pan - bigger than a 9 x 13 pan, but smaller than a cookie sheet].

Mix the rest of the ingredients. Pour over crust. Put back in the oven and bake for 25 minutes more. Frost when cold.

*They're best if you put them in the fridge and let the frosting harden. They TASTE good when the frosting is still soft, but they are really messy!!!!

Enjoy!!!

Shutting out the noise...

2009-08-23T16:32:00.002-05:00

In my Bible reading yesterday, I came across the famous story of Mary and Martha - the one where Martha was running around like a chicken with her head cut off trying to serve Jesus, and Mary was just sitting there listening to him and learning from him. Books, Bible studies and sermons galore have been written about this, and those of us who have been in the church since birth can quote the story almost verbatim beginning in kindergarten. But yesterday, I read the verse in a whole new light. After 33 years of hearing this story over and over again, God showed me something new about it. His Word is cool like that.

One thing that I deal with in my life - I have never been "formally" diagnosed, but I'm pretty positive - is anxiety and panic attacks...which, if the go unchecked, have a nasty tendency to lead to depression. We're talking full-blown, shortness of breath, huge adrenaline rush...the whole shebang.

This past week, I have been completely panicked over something that is probably not a huge deal at all...however, the person I need to speak to about it has been out of town, unreachable. So - take a person who tends to overly psychoanalyze situations, who is prone to panic attacks and anxiety, and who has a touch of PTSD - let her sit and stew with no resolution in sight, and you have a certifiable mess on your hands.

My poor husband.

Yesterday, I sat down to read my Bible and really talk to God - to my dismay, one of the few times I've done that lately. Don't get me wrong - like a dutiful Type A Christian girl, I have done my required 30 minutes of Bible reading, checked it off my list, and gone on with my day. But yesterday I spent an hour, just reading the Bible and talking to God - and hearing from him.

I decided to try an experiment and shut out the noise from my home. Patrick was sleeping for a good portion of the day, and I turned the t.v. to the "Soundscapes" music channel [for those of you reading who don't have cable, there are certain channels that play nothing but music 24/7. There's a channel for every possible musical taste out there. The "Soundscapes" channel is just calming, instrumental music - it's officially classified "New Age," but I have found in evangelical circles, it's best not to use that terminology, lest someone freak out. Please do not be alarmed - it is just pretty music. No conjuring of demons going on here ;o).].

I started out with the intention of just playing the music while I read my Bible, but when I started to flip channels, the negative thoughts came back like a flood. I turned it back, and realized that the "standard the Lord raised against it" was one of peace. I lit candles around the apartment - breathed in the strange but lovely mixture of scents in my home from pomegranate to cinnamon spice to pine, and felt the calming presence of God in the room.

That was what I needed. Just the peace that Christ spoke of - that the world cannot give, and that the world cannot take away. Even my spastic dog who barks at leaves that float past our window was fast asleep, peacefully cocking her ear toward the music coming from the television.

Last night I led Saturday night prayer and I spoke on just shutting out the noise and letting God speak to you - on making sure that we, as Mary, choose "the very best thing," the one thing that, as Jesus told Martha, can never be taken away - a relationship with Jesus. I was reminded this weekend why I do what I do, and that I can have that peace with me all the time - not just for an afternoon. I prayed for myself and for all present [It's August and about 2/3 of the church - my pastor included - are on vacation, so "all" consisted of about 6-7 of us!] that God would empty out all the junk and fill us with all of him. I felt him telling me that if we just fill ourselves with God, he will miraculously make sure all the other stuff gets taken care of.

Services today were fantastic. Mostly because I just let God direct it. Of course I had a plan - an object lesson/teaching prepared - but I really just let him work through me instead of trying to force it.

Stress is ugly. Stress does nasty things to my mind and to my body. It is much better to just walk in the peace and presence of God. I for sure want my home to be a place where peace - not stress - rules. And I believe that I can be a walking example in my job and in everything I touch of someone who, as Scripture says, "lets the peace of Christ rule in my heart." I can get my job done without being spastic and frenetic. I can do it better that way.

Today, once again, the candles are burning [although I should probably blow them out soon!], the pretty music is playing, and I am choosing to let the peace of Christ force out anxiety...depression...PTSD...and everything else that I have allowed to rule in my heart that is not of God.

I hereby banish it from my heart and mind, and I choose - just like I must choose love, joy, patience, and self-control - I choose to walk in the peace that He brings to me.

Show and Tell

2009-08-22T13:58:00.008-05:00

As I mentioned in a previous blog, I am committed to making some changes in my life...centered around abandoning the American, "Want...Take/Buy...Have" philosophy of acquiring stuff. I have always been drawn to a simpler way of living, but lately I have felt more of an urgency to put it into practice. Simply put...I don't need brand new stuff. With the exception of two purchases that we are saving up for and plan to buy new:

*Another set of sheets for our bed
*A new set of pots and pans

we are really trying to break the bad habits that resulted in nothing but mounds of credit card debt that we are now trying to pay off. For example...we are in need of a new comforter/quilt/bedspread for our bed. We spent way too much money on a brand new one last March and discovered that the material [a wierd "satin-like" material] irritates my husband's skin. Our first instinct is "let's go to Target and buy a new one." But we are going to make do with an old one that we have lying around and scour thrift stores, craigslist.com, and freecycle.com until we find one that we want.

Another idea we had in the vein of homemade gifts is homemade soap...now I know you're thinking I sound like a Bill Gothard-following homeschooler right about now...lol!! But seriously? We both love all-natural, homemade soaps and usually pick up a bar or two if we stumble upon it at a farmer's market or craft sale. There are only a few store-bought soaps that do not make my skin break out in a rash, or cause my exzema on my toes [can you think of a MORE irritating place to have exzema? I mean, it's not like I can gracefuly whip off my shoe and start scratching my toes in public...]. I have never had that problem with the homemade, all-natural kind. Unfortunately, if I buy it from a store or a booth at a craft sale, it's usually $5 a pop - people need to make a living, but I also need to get clean...so that's a lot of money out of our budget for that purpose! So we are toying around with experimenting in that area.

We are recommitting ourselves to making most of our meals at home, and have been inspired by Julie and Julia to try more new recipes. I made some really tasty lemon bars this past week that we are still snacking on...I'll post the receipe later!!!

And...as I have already mentioned...homemade gifts. Which brings me to the "show and tell" portion of this blog post: most of these are crocheted things - I have discovered, as my mom and late grandma also discovered in their lives - that crocheting is a great way to wind down at the end of the day and feel productive as I'm watching something on t.v. It's also a great stress reliever - many prayers have been offered up to God on my family's behalf by my grandma and my mom as they sat in their chairs crocheting, waiting for loved ones to return home - and now I am finding that this is a fantastic way for me to pray and stay focused...plus I get to make some groovy things for myself and for others. So here goes - prepare to be amazed:

A scarf I made for my husband for this winter - it actually started out as a baby blanket for my friend Erika's second baby [who was born last Monday], but I got the count wrong on some of the squares and found that when I tried to sew them all together, it was lopsided. Not wanting to waste the hours I spent crocheting or all the yarn, I asked my husband if he liked the colors and if he'd wear it if I made it into a scarf instead. He did, and said he'd wear it, so...

Me wearing the finished product - and demonstrating another "life simplifying" discovery: making small braids throughout my hair really helps tame it and keep it from getting too "poofy." It's probably the closest I'll get to dreds, because I just cannot convince my husband that a white, nerdy female would look good in them. He really likes this look on me, though!

These are some "doilies" I made to put underneath candles. I was more or less practicing and getting the hang of crocheting - and again, not wanting to waste time or yarn, decided to find a use for them. I love the "cozy" touch they add to our house.

Two cell phone holders and a set of pot holders. The cell phone holders are mine, but I plan to make more of these and more pot holders as Christmas gifts this year...finding as much of the yarn as possible at thrift stores!

And last but not least - the material for the tied fleece blanket that I will be making for Erika's new son, Caleb Riley, since the original blanket turned into a scarf :o). I bought too much material [I didn't remember if I needed one yard or two - it turns out I only needed one!], so I will probably just make a second one and donate it to CareNet - our local crisis pregnancy center - for their baby boutique that expectant moms are able to shop in for super cheap!!

So there you have it: some immediate steps I've taken to simplify my life, lighten my stress load, and keep my pocketbook happy. I will be posting more ideas and tips as they come to me...so enjoy!!!!

New Gig!!!!

2009-08-21T08:28:00.002-05:00

No, I'm not quitting my day job/evening job/weekend job [which are actually all one in the same, lol!]. Just adding a little more to my schedule, because I'm crazy like that...

Let me back WAY up to tell this story...

Before I moved here, I became addicted to Karen Kingsbury's fiction - she is great at creating characters and telling compelling stories, and I can usually finish one of her books in a lazy afternoon [I am doubly happy when one of her books is available in the library on my day off...yay for online reservations!!]. Anyway, one organization that some of her characters in one series are involved in is called "Christian Kids Theatre [CKT]." In reading about it, I remember thinking, "Wouldn't it be awesome if there really was an organization like that? Too bad it's just in a book!"

Lo and behold...I moved here and discovered there there IS an organization exactly like that - only it's actually called Christian Youth Theatre...turns out Karen Kingsbury's kids are involved in it where they live, and she based her fictional characters' experience on her own family's involvement in it. And, even more awesome and amazing...Lake County, where my church is, actually HAS a chapter!!!

Only one problem: we are at the very top of Lake County, and all the rehearsals and classes were about an hour south of us. Yeah. Just not going to happen.

This year, though...drum roll, please...CYT Chicago has decided to extend their Lake County chapter and offer classes in Kenosha [where I live, Wisconsin and Illinois are pretty much interchangeable!] for the northern kids. And by kids, I mean that they offer classes for all age levels and experience levels, from 6-18. Kids age 8 and up who take the classes are eligible to audition for their shows.

What does this have to do with me, other than the fact that I like theatre?

Well...a lady in my church who is a homeschool/Christian school mom was telling me one day that they are looking for people to teach their classes who are qualified to teach theatre AND are Christians, and were having a hard time filling the positions. She asked if she could give her friend - the area coordinator - our phone number. I said sure.

So this week my husband and I both had phone interviews with them, and will be teaching one evening a week this fall - he'll be teaching "Musical Masters," a musical theatre course for high school students, and it looks like I'll be teaching "Drama I," a beginning acting class for 8-11 year olds.

And...get this: it PAYS!!!! I was totally going to do it for free, because I love theatre, and am feeling really challenged to get out into the community more than I have been. I thought of other children's/youth pastors I know who substitute teach on their day off, or who coach soccer or baseball. I can't coach sports [not if the kids actually want to be GOOD at it!!!], but I can teach theatre. And the kids who attend CYT classes - especially in a town like ours - are not necessarily already Christians. A lot of them are kids who are interested in the arts and will take any class offered to improve their skills.

So...I'm super excited to be getting out into the community and doing something that is not connected to my church [but will definitely benefit my church and ministry!], using my college degree in a direct way - I use it "indirectly" all the time in kids' ministry, AND getting paid for it!!!

This is a huge blessing for us, because we know we should be putting $$ in savings, but after tithe and all our bills, there really isn't much left over. We're making it financially; just not able to really save and plan ahead. So the money from these checks will be going into a savings account rather than being absorbed into our regular budget.

My husband may take some directing gigs with them down the line as well - directing musical theatre is really his passion. He told them that as long as we are at our church, we aren't available to do their fall show [because we have our Christmas play at church that we're working on], but spring and summer productions are a possibility.

I'm still pinching myself...I get to do theatre again!

Frustrated, incorporated...

2009-08-19T20:08:00.003-05:00

Put me out of my misery...I'd do it for you, would you do it for me?

This quote from my Minneapolis homeboys Soul Asylum describes how I am feeling today. Besides the fact that I am trying to get rid of a migraine, I could really use your prayers tonight - anyone who happens to be reading this.

I'm at a crossroads, and important decisions in my life need to be made. I am not going to go into details on a public blog, but I am really feeling under attack, and am rather surprised at the people the enemy is using to make me feel this way.

Don't freak out - I still love Jesus, and I still enjoy being alive...so with those two questions answered right off the bat - please pray....

Thanks!

Back to basics...

2009-08-19T13:31:00.003-05:00

Confession time: I have always been drawn to the whole concept of "living simply." I love thrift stores. I love buying junky pieces of furniture and making them into my own - I once deco-podged [sp?] a small wooden table and completely mismatched chair with bright, colorful pictures from magazines and used it as a desk - got lots of compliments on them, but they just absolutely wouldn't fit in the moving truck so we abandoned them. Having been an extremely fast reader all my life, I typically do not buy books at Barnes & Noble or Borders [although I love spending time in those places - checking out new books that I want to hunt down at the library, drinking coffee, looking at the cool journals and pens...] because I think it's a waste of money to spend $15 - $20 for one or two afternoons of entertainment. The Goodwill and I have an unofficial barter system going - I buy books from there, read them, and then put them in my Goodwill stack and "donate" them. Then I go in and buy some more...

I am so sick of "stuff." Partially for financial reasons - I'm trying to get out of debt; and partially for environmental reasons. I live by the adage, "one man's trash is another man's treasure," and am not interested in throwing more junk in already full landfills. I do not believe that one needs to be a tree-hugging hippie in order to care about the environment. God gave us this earth to rule and have dominion over, and therefore, I just want to do my best with one of the jobs He has trusted me to do.

Recycling has become a conviction in the past few weeks - yes, I said a conviction. I just think that if something can be recycled, it should be recycled. Plastic...aluminum...all the stuff that we normally just throw away. I used to recycle when I owned a home and it was mandatory to put the little plastic tub out on the curb once a week. I rent now, and apparently, the recycling truck does not come to our apartment complex, so I have grown lazy. But I really feel like I need to get off my butt and find out where I can take my cans and plastic bottles. Either that or save them and learn to be more "crafty," and make them into gifts [which wouldn't be a bad idea, pocketbook-wise!].

Some would say that my renting an apartment is an unwise investment. That I am just "throwing my money away." To me, buying a house and having a mortgage [which would be much larger than my rent payment!], homeowner's insurance, and property taxes to worry about would be not only unwise, but impossible at this point. I love where I live. I love my apartment. And...I love not being financially responsible for home repairs!! The only downside is not being able to paint my walls. I do not like white walls. But I can be creative with that, too - my kitchen, for example, is a "Coca Cola" theme - and I bought a Coke calendar, ripped it apart, and lined the white part above my cabinets with vintage Coke ads.

My husband and I have gone back and forth on the idea of getting a second car...once I finally get around to practicing my driving and passing my road test [I know, I know!!]. It might make things somewhat more convenient, but truthfully? All I see is:

*More money spent on insurance.
*More money spent on gas.
*More money spent on maintenance.
*My husband and I literally NEVER seeing each other some days [there are some days where we at least have time together in the car, if nothing else!].

Now that he works nights, a license would be great for me to have, since he could come home and sleep instead of coming home and picking me up and dropping me off. It's not like he uses the car during the day. We're working on that...but a second car? I'm just not sure I want the financial responsibility. I really want to free up my finances and create the need for LESS stuff. In another year and half to two years, we will be completely free from all our consumer debt, as well as have our car paid off. I am not anxious to rack up more debt after working so hard to pay it off...

I don't think I will ever be a vegetarian, because I KNOW my husband will never be one - and neither of us feels like cooking two separate things for each meal. I will never go completely "all natural" or "organic." It's way too expensive to buy organic fruits and veggies when I can bring the regular ones home and wash them in soap and hot water for the same effect. I will never be one of those women who uses "natural" feminine products because...just...yuck. And I probably won't use cloth diapers on my future kids for the same reason.

But...just a warning...I have been tempted many times to just comb my unruly hair into dreadlocks to save time in the morning and money on hair products - so if I can ever convince my husband that they would be totally hot on me [he insists that white people universally look bad in dreads - I disagree!]...I will post pictures :o).

The American Church

2009-08-17T10:41:00.002-05:00

The American church is messy. Dysfunctional [some more than others!]. Hypocritical. Strayed SO far from what Jesus intended the church to be. Not doing things the right way. Too old-fashioned. Too quiet. Too loud. Too contemporary. Not contemporary enough. Not doing enough for the family. Too focused on the family and not on the lost. Too greedy. Too sloppy.

I have heard all of these things describe the American evangelical subculture. I have said some of these things myself, to be totally honest. Some of these things are painfully accurate. Still, for some unexplainable [and sometimes frustrating!] reason, I am called. Whether for a lifetime or a season, I do not know. I know I will always be doing ministry of some kind - just not sure what shape it will take in the future, and to be honest, every time I think I have it figured out, God throws me for a loop and changes everything, anyway. So I continue to do what I do, hoping that, in my corner of the world, I can make a difference. Maybe I can make the American church a little better.

This has been a month of tremendous spiritual highs and lows for me - usually in the summer, I get two "shots in the arm," so to speak: A vacation of some kind, and kids' camp. A vacation to get away and relax, hang out with my husband and our extended family and just forget about life and responsibilities for a week. For various reasons, this has not happened this summer - we're working on something in the fall [one of THE worst times for me to leave, but maybe God is trying to teach me to not be so Type A!], but in the meantime, we plod along and work our tails off. Kids' camp, because it's ministry of a different sort - 100% pure ministering to kids - without the paperwork, the church politics, the phone ringing, and all the "boring" but necessary stuff that comes with ministry. It's a week to just get away and remember why I became a chidren's pastor in the first place. But this year, we had no kids register to go.

I have been discouraged by the evangelical subculture in general - the "churchiness" of it all. I am so tired of being "churchy." I want to be real [and so does my church, our vision is the acrostic REAL - Reaching, Engaging, Assimilating, and Leading :o)], but struggle with wondering if I am the only one out there who feels that way. Knowing that I cannot possibly be the only one who would like to see the American evangelical church really BE the church in people's lives.

Which brings me to the purpose of this post - my friend Pastor Deanna Shrodes and her husband Pastor Larry Shrodes, co-pastors of Northside Assembly of God in Tampa, Florida, just pulled off an awesome and amazing "surprise" in their church service yesterday. She's been teasing all of us online for weeks..."I can't wait for August 16th..."

So yesterday - which also happened to be my birthday - she finally posted the details of what was happening. I encourage you to click here and read about an example of what church is all about.

Messy? Yes. Dysfunctional? At times.

But this is an example of "absolutely beautiful." This is why I do what I do instead of answering phones, flipping burgers, or pouring coffeee. This is the church at its finest.

Too young for a midlife crisis...

2009-08-16T20:41:00.002-05:00

...nevertheless, upon turning 33 years old "officially" about 40 minutes ago [I was born at 8:05 pm, August 16, 1976. The bicentennial year of our country. There was no pink to be had for baby girls - only patriotic red, white, and/or blue. Perhaps this is why I do not enjoy wearing pink. I was just not exposed to it enough at an early age! Anyway, I digress], I was struck with the realization that my life has become quite "blah." And for someone in the line of work that I'm in, who has the passions and gifts that I have, that is just plain ridiculous.

No more...

...sitting in my office aimlessly wondering what to do, lost when there's no "event" or "project" to work on. MAKE things happen when I'm there!! I am the children's pastor at my church - not an admin assistant.

...coming home, eating, watching t.v., and then going to bed.

...living life passively.

...not writing a word and then lamenting the fact that I'm not published. Duh.

So, today, on my 33rd birthday [this seems like an odd age to be having an epiphany, but for some reason, it's making me feel really old], I am committed to:

*Entering that writing contest that my mom e-mailed me about.
*Starting my "church brat" project from scratch and writing at least 5 quality pages per day.
*Getting serious about my health.
*Trying at least one new recipe every two weeks.
*Recruiting at least 10 new leaders to kids' ministry by this time next year.
*At least doubling the average Sunday morning attendance by this time next year.
*Finally reading ALL of Les Miserables.
*Reading the Belgariad by David Eddings because it means a lot to my husband that I share this experience with him.
*Reading at least one "instructional" book per week in the area of writing, theatre, or children's ministry.
*Watching only the t.v. shows that I intend to watch - no more channel flipping and getting sucked into the everlasting vortex of time wasting.
*Because I don't get QUANTITY time with my husband, making the time we have together QUALITY time.
*Make some new friends.

I'm sure there are more goals that I'll think of, but this is good for now. To quote Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act 2, "If you want to be somebody...if you want to go somewhere...you better wake up and pay attention."

My life is great. I just need to grab onto that greatness and make the most of the opportunities that have been given to me.

I've been alive for 33 years. I now need to start LIVING.

And in the "maybe my mom isn't always right" department...

2009-08-16T15:48:00.003-05:00

One thing that, for some reason, has always stuck with me that my mom said is that God doesn't allow Christians to win big in the lottery because He is not going to honor bad stewardship of our money.

[I still gave my brother a card with $10 and two lottery tickets for his 18th birthday 12 years ago, though, and she said that if he won, she got half...LOL!!]

But click here for a story about a CHURCH that won the lottery!

If you happen to stumble upon this blog, mom - I still love you, and no, I do not plan to become a habitual lottery player ;o).

What if?

2009-08-12T09:35:00.004-05:00

I was part of an interesting discussion on Facebook last night regarding Rob Bell...specifically his statement [and I am paraphrasing here!], "What if we were to find out all sorts of evidence that the virgin birth was not true, or that the Hebrew word for "virgin" actually meant something else? Would we still follow the teachings of Jesus, or would our faith then become null and void?"

This is an extreme simplification of the thought being expressed in Bell's book Velvet Elvis, but it did make me think. Not that I'm denying the virgin birth or the deity of Christ.

But what if?

What if Jesus WAS just a nice guy with a lot of good things to say? Would I still find value in the things that he taught? My relationship with God is dependent on Jesus' resurrection from the dead, but would "love your neighbor," or "turn the other cheek," or "go the extra mile" become BAD advice if Jesus were just a man and not God?

Perhaps this is a generational phenomenon, but I am less interested in concrete "proof" of a literal 6-day creation...the virgin birth...miracles...the resurrection...than I am in seeing how faith in Jesus is practically lived out in the lives of those who claim to follow Him. The supernatural is important, because without it, we might as well be following the teachings of any good moral person. Still, I believe that before we can see supernatural things - signs, wonders, miracles - we need to concentrate on living our lives the way that Jesus would want us to live.

It's like peanut butter and jelly - you can't have one without the other. That's why Paul said in I Corinthians 13, "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels...if I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge...if I have a faith that can move mountains...but do not have love, I AM NOTHING." He then goes on to explain what love is.

Am I patient? Am I kind? Do I display all the qualities of love listed in this chapter that tends to be very convicting when applied to my life? No? Then it doesn't matter how much faith I have. It doesn't matter how many supenatural, spiritual gifts I have. Not in God's eyes, anyway.

So what if? If Jesus never gives me another thing besides salvation, would that be enough for me to follow Him?

I would hope so...

I'm not my husband!

2009-08-11T11:08:00.002-05:00

After reading the news today, I felt compelled to blog about Secretary of State Clinton's "bristling" when someone asked her what her husband's opinion was on such-and-such issue. She answered, "Bill is not the secretary of state," and stated that she was not there to channel her husband.

I understand that her situation is a little bit different, since her husband was the President for eight years, but I can empathize with her just a little bit as a woman in ministry who is the "main" staff member in our relationship.

I was recently challenged by my senior pastor to not lean on my husband so much, since I am the paid staff member in the relationship. It can be hard to find that balance. On one hand, I believe 100% in team ministry. On the other hand, my husband has his own job that he has, as of late been working about 50 hours per week [hopefully this is just temporary, although the overtime has been nice!]. On one hand, the Bible does tell wives to submit to their husbands. On the other hand, I am technically the one in charge in our ministry.

Since we have a more egalitarian view of marriage and ministry, it's really not a matter of who is "in charge." As far as I am concerned, if my husband says something to a child or a leader, it's as good as if I had said it. In fact, our Royal Rangers department is headed by a very traditional conservative man, and my pastor and I both agree that it is just better to choose our battles and appoint my husband to be the one to enforce policies, etc. in that department.

Still, though, I can understand where Mrs. Clinton is coming from. Why do people assume that a husband and wife share all the same opinions on issues? My husband and I are both "purple" politically - that is "red" in some areas, and "blue" in others. Our reds and our blues don't always match. Just because my husband feels a certain way about political issue x, y, or z, does not mean that I feel the same way - and vice versa. It really doesn't matter - we actually enjoy debating our political differences.

When it comes to ministry, we do listen to each other. My husband has an incredible gift of discernment, so if he feels that something is not quite right with someone who wants to be a leader, my ears perk up [Can I just say that for the first time IN OUR LIVES as children's pastors, we have enough leaders where we can afford to be "picky" like that...YAY!!!!].

Still, we are not the same person. That's the mystery of marriage - we can be "one flesh" while still being two separate individuals with two separate brains.

I used to work for two psychology professors who were married to each other. Both were doctors - both were professionals - and both extremely good at what they did. One of them was the department chair; the other acted as interim chair when her husband was on sabbatical. The female half of the pair was constantly venting about students questioning her classroom/attendance/late paper policies on the grounds that "her husband doesn't do it that way." Or getting frustrated with HER because she didn't know off the top of her head why her huband was running a few minutes late for an appointment.

"Apparently, we share a brain and should be joined at the hip at all times," she would say.

I would answer, "Yeah - you'd better get home and start churning that butter..."

Her husband, by the way, always backed her policies, and made a point of saying that the students would never complain because the other professors' policies were not exactly like his, and they should not expect his wife to conduct her classes the same way he did, either. I'm getting a little misty, because I really do miss those guys...

I love my husband to pieces. I respect him, and think he is the greatest man on the planet. But I am NOT him. People who expect my personality to be exactly like his will be sorely disappointed. He is loud and expressive. At Saturday night prayer, he walks back and forth across the back of the sanctuary speaking in tongues. I curl up in a pew writing in my prayer journal. He is a big goofball in kids' church and runs most of the games. I do most of the teaching [partially because...uh...it's my job!]. This is not to say that I am a big old stick in the mud - in fact, in our last series, HE played the "straight man" while I played the wacky costumed character.

So, Secretary of State Clinton, if you run across my humble little blog [and no, I am not egotistical enough to think that prominent political figures are actually reading my blog!], I just want you to know that I understand. You are not your husband. Even though we do not always agree politically, I completely get you on that point! Now go out and be the best secretary of state that YOU can be...and I'll sit here in my corner of the world and be the best children's pastor that I can be.

And I know both of our husbands are proud of us!!

Feeling like a bloated sack of protoplasm!

2009-08-09T18:16:00.003-05:00

Does anyone remember the Nickelodeon show "Ren and Stimpy," about the really weird looking dog and cat who were best buddies and frequently burst into a rousing chorus of "Happy, happy, joy, joy..."? They were also really into bodily functions and insulting each other...yes, great family fun ;o).

Well, one of the common insults hurled on that show was, "You bloated sack of protoplasm!"

And that's how I feel right now.

I might as well be completely honest, because, as they say in TOPS [my mom was a member when I was a kid, and I remember part of their pledge], "Though I eat in private, my excess poundage is there for all the world to see what a fool I've been."

I have not weighed myself recently. I don't know if it would give me a swift kick in the tail, or send me into a fit of tears/rage/more tears/more rage. We took a break from WW meetings for the summer because church stuff keeps us way too busy to actually get to meetings. And, although some people go there just to weigh in, I'm too cheap to pay $12 and not get the full benefit.

Stupid, stupid girl.

I should have made it a priority. I know that I cannot minister effectively if I do not keep myself healthy. I know that I was losing by sticking to the WW plan and counting points, exercising, and getting all my water in [yes, I KNOW that the new momentum program counts all non-caloric liquids now, but I really feel better if the majority of what I drink during the day is water]. I should have insisted that Thursday evenings from 5:15-6:00 were sacred, and people just needed to deal with it.

Now, I have missed so many meetings, that I would need to pay the registration fee in order to come back. And I can't afford that. So now I need to wait until fall, even though I want to go back right now.

I guess I can "go back" anyway. I have my electronic points counter/calculator. I know how many points are in things, and how many I need to consume based on my body weight. I still have my DDR mat, which is collecting dust in my storage closet.

I need to do this. I am quite positive I have gained back all the weight I lost - possibly more. I have clothes that are getting tight on me, and I gave all my fat clothes away to a woman in our church who had lap band surgery and is still losing [not quite in my 2x's and 3x's, but getting close, and I certainly do not want to call her up and say, "Uh...I got fat again - could I have my clothes back, please?"]. I refuse to buy new clothes in a BIGGER size. Unless I'm pregnant. Which, the more I stuff my face, the less likely it is that that is going to happen.

When we were getting ready to buy our house 10 years ago [Holy cow! Was I only 23 years old when I became a homeowner?!?!?!?], when we were thinking of spending money on something frivolous, we'd ask ourselves, "Do we want this, or do we want a house more?"

Why, oh, why can't I think that way now, when I am supposedly older and wiser? Do I want that extra helping of dinner, or do I want a baby more? Do I want to go out to eat because I'm too lazy to cook...or do I want a baby more? My actions are proving that apparently, I desire food more than I desire a baby. At least a healthy one. And a healthy ME during a pregnancy!

Diabetes and heart disease runs rampant in my family. Three out of three of my grandparents who are gone have died because of heart problems. What makes me think I'll beat those odds eating the way I do? When I am bigger and more unhealthy now at age 33 than they were at my age?

Why do I think I will be the one person in my family who will prove medical science wrong and live to be 100 on the fast food diet?

I need to change. No more excuses. I know all the "right" things to do. I just need to do them.

Edited to add: Yup. Gained back all the weight I lost PLUS another pound and a half. No wonder the clothes have gotten tight! Back on the wagon starting NOW.

Feeling better...

2009-08-08T20:55:00.003-05:00

...but exhausted!

Festival today went well...pastor cancelled prayer tonight on account of the weather being 90+ degrees and all of us tired and smelly and dripping with sweat [him included!].

Stopped by Walmart to pick up some supplies for my object lesson tomorrow, picked up a pizza that proved to be completely unappetizing once I finished cooking it, so I cut it up, put it in the fridge, and will send some of it with Patrick to work tonight.

I started soaking in the tub, but finished up with a shower when I felt myself nodding off. Drowning in the tub would not be good [although Patrick said, "At least it would probably get me out of having to work tonight." Thanks honey.]

I spent most of the day today giving temporary tattoos to children. We handed out hundreds of fliers advertising our church, including one that I made up that highlighted kids' ministry. I could be in for an onslaught of children this week. It would be a good problem to have.

I have already blogged for much longer than I planned...I may be back next week with actual topics and not just brief life updates, but one never knows.

It may be a crazy life...but it's my life [I shamelessly stole that from Jon and Kate, but I think it describes a ministry life better than a reality t.v. family...so there!].

Still sick...still busy...

2009-08-06T22:40:00.002-05:00

1. I hate colds.
2. I really hate being sick during a really busy week.
3. I am SOOOOOOOO ready for a day off tomorrow!!

By the time this week is over, I will have worked about 60 hours. Not the busiest week I've ever worked [see also: Christmas play season!], but when I am dragging from this cold/allergies/sinus/whatever it is that is making me miserable, it seems like I've been working about 100 hours.

In my world, one does not stay home from work/church/school unless one produces vomit, a fever, or something ending in "infection" and beginning with "sinus" or "ear" and requiring antibiotics. So on I go, realizing that I may need to actually do some work from home tomorrow, because I just plain ran out of time this week.

I really should go to bed now. I'm not saying that I WILL..only that I SHOULD. Debating whether I should wait until later to take some Benadryl and go to bed so that I can sleep a little later, or take it now and wake up at 6:00 a.m. like I did this morning.

My world has become very, very small...

It's only Tuesday, but Friday's a-comin'!

2009-08-04T18:26:00.002-05:00

Is it bad that it is Tuesday evening and I feel like I have been hit by a truck? To sum it all up:

*I got my computer back, virus free...YAY!!!!

*The only files our techie could recover were 2-3 from August of 2006...BOO!!!

*I have some fantastic parents in my church who are helping me out by e-mailing me their kids' grades and birthdays [I'm smart, but not enough to remember 70-80 birthdays!]....YAY!!!!

*Because my computer has been completely rebuilt, I am no longer on our network and cannot print things, and both our techies are out of town this week...BOO!!!

*We are currently without a youth pastor, which means I can e-mail myself any files I need to print, run next door, and print them from the computer in the empty office...YAY!!!

*That computer is a slow-as-molasses dinosaur that kicks me off frequently, and it is taking me twice as long to get anything accomplished...BOO!!!

Some more positive things from the past couple of weeks:

*I recruited three more preschool leaders, almost completely filling the Sunday morning schedule [from what I'm told, if I completely fill it up, this will be the first time in the history of our church that this has occurred!!].

*The first night of Mega Sports Camp is tomorrow, and I am really excited about it.

*I am also super excited about our outreach on Saturday [well, not just OURS...our church is participating in it], in which we are handing out free backpacks and school supplies to kids in the community.

*I am exhausted, but in a good way - I feel like I am actually getting things accomplished this week - making contacts, improving the way I do things, all that good stuff! This is a drastic difference from the way I was feeling a few weeks ago, and I'm really happy to be back in the game emotionally!

Pray for...

*It feels like I have a never-ending "to do list" that keeps increasing at it decreases, and it's all stuff that NEEDS to get done ASAP. Pray that I do not stress out about it, and that it all gets done.

*My sinuses are not doing well right now - I do not know if it is a cold that I'm coming down with or my allergies acting up. Either way, it's the same effect. I need to feel better, and I need to be at the top of my game tomorrow, Thursday night [backpack stuffing and volunteer meeting...it's going to be a LATE night!!!], and Saturday.

Thank goodness for Fridays - Friday night is "set up night" at the site of the festival, but I am probably not going to go, since every time I try to help set anything up, no one lets me do anything because I'm a girl, and I end up sitting there not doing anything. I have decided that, this time around, instead of trying to make a feminist statement and insist on helping, to just let the guys do their thing and stay home in my bed.

And on that note, my nails are crying for some polish, and my exhausted body is begging me to wind down for the day...

My laptop is back...

2009-08-01T21:53:00.002-05:00

...but empty.

it had six Trojan viruses on it, which resulted in our dear friend Tony [also one of our church techies] having to completely rebuild it.

The only files he was able to save were a few that I created when I first came here. According to my computer, it is now August of 2006.

Kids' church should be interesting tomorrow...and I definitely have my work cut out for me this week...trying to recreate all my forms and figure out what all is missing. Retyping every child's name into a new database that I have yet to create. Finding all of the websites that I had saved in my favorites file that were SO essential to the ministry...

Is it too late to go sign up to be Amish?

It's Time...

2009-07-30T13:51:00.002-05:00

Three years ago, I attended the National Women in Ministry conference [I was on the steering committee and facilitating the round table discussion for children's pastors - I kinda had to be there!], and we sang the song "It's Time." That was the overall theme of the weekend...prophetic words were centered around it...we sang it at every general session.

But I was still raw. I was three weeks into my current position, and still shell-shocked from my last experience. I was a shell of who I used to be - it was like "Invasion of the Body Snatchers." I am not exaggerating.

Slowly, the Body Snatchers have left this shell of my body, and allowing God to put me back - only this time it's a better version of the "me" He created. Every time I think I have "arrived," He peels away another layer of Body Snatcher goo and replaces it with even more of what He wants there.

The paralyzing fear is leaving me. When I interact with people, I am feeling more and more like me, and not like I'm playing a role. I am seeing some successes here and there that make me feel like I really do belong here - that I really am doing what I was created to do, despite those who would allow the devil to use them to try and convince me otherwise.

I'm not going to say it's been easy. I'm not even going to say that it's "done" yet. But I can finally say with clarity, in response to the challenge and words that went out over all of us who were at the conference three years ago...YES! IT'S TIME! Below are the lyrics to the song, if you have never heard it before...

It's time for the dead and gone
Time for the broken ones to live again
It's time time for the dead to rise
Time for the wings to fly to live again

I can hear the calling
I can hear the sound of rain
Over the mountains and over the valleys
I hear the calling it's time

It's time for the dead to sing
Time for the walls to ring
With the songs of freedom
It's time for the numb to feel
Time for the wounds to heal
With the songs of freedom

It's time time for the tide to turn
Time for our hearts to burn with a desperation
It's time it's time for a sacrifice
It's time that we paid the price for our generation

Over the mountains and over the valleys
I hear the calling it's time

It's time for the dead to rise
It's time for the wings to fly
I hear the calling it's time
It's time for the numb to feel
It's time for the wounds to heal
I hear the calling it's time
It's time that we paid a price
It's time for a sacrifice
I hear the calling it's time

Over the cities and all through the nations
I hear the calling it's time

It's time for the dead to rise
It's time for the wings to fly
I hear the calling it's time
It's time for children to return home
It's time for the prodigals to come back
I hear the calling it's time
It's time to break down the walls
It's time to see them all fall down
I hear the calling it's time

Over the cities and all through the nations
I hear the calling it's time

What I'm learning from being unplugged

2009-07-29T13:25:00.005-05:00

Still working on the former YP's computer while my laptop is being [gulp!] rebuilt.

This always scares me - I am hoping and praying that this rebuilding will allow me to keep all my files, because if I have to start recreating three years' worth of letters, fliers, databases, etc., I think I will cry.

My "unplugged" week has been a semi-success. I am still accessing my e-mail, blog, and Facebook - briefly - just not spending hours on it. Just a quick check, then signing off again.

Yesterday, I took a huge leap, sat down at my piano keyboard, and played for about a half hour. Holy rusty piano player, Batman! I dusted off the one of the songs I played for my piano recital my senior year of high school ["All I Ask of You" from Phantom of the Opera - the musical was a bit of an obsession that year], and surprisingly stumbled through it fairly well. It was more of a "first time sight reading" thing than an "I have practiced this for hours and hours and will now perform it for a room full of people" thing - but I took comfort in knowing that all is not lost.

This inspired me to turn the t.v. off and play more often. I'm really not as bad as I thought I was...just rusty from years of not doing it on a regular basis. I refuse to allow 12 years of lessons to go down the drain, especially when being a proficient pianist is quite handy in my line of work!

I also got on the phone and invited someone out to breakfast.

This may seem like a no-brainer to some of you, but I have this weird paralyzing fear of using the phone. I don't know why. I spent hours upon hours on it as a teenager. But to pick up the phone and actually call someone and make plans to do something? Perhaps it's fear of rejection - I don't know. Maybe I need therapy - I mean, a 32 year-old woman - a PASTOR, no less - should not be afraid to call people. But I did. And wonder of wonders - the person said yes!

I am working on making many changes in how I run my ministry - how I approach it....especially in the area of relationship-building and recruiting. If anyone reading this can give me some pointers, I would appreciate it. I am a sponge, very eager to soak up words of wisdom from you all!

Long story short, I am realizing that I am a person with MAJOR issues. And these issues are getting in the way of my living a productive and satisfying life, and being the best children's pastor I can be. I need to conquer these issues in my life once and for all so that I do not, as Henry David Thoreau said, "Come to die and realize that I have not lived."

I can and will do this. With God's help.

Forced hiatus [sort of]

2009-07-25T15:03:00.002-05:00

I just read an article that said Bill Gates has officially cancelled his Facebook account because of "too many friends." That is, it was becoming too much work for him to figure out whether or not he knew people who were requesting to be his friend. He also stated that [contrary to what we may think] he is NOT "plugged in" 24/7. That he reads a lot - and much of that reading is not done on the computer.

I do not plan to cancel my Facebook account - but I have been feeling that I need to "unplug" for a week or so. And reading this article is weirdly a confirmation of that fact. Add to that the fact that my laptop is currently sick and being de-virused by someone who knows how to do that sort of thing.

So I am on a forced [sort of] hiatus [sort of] from the Internet

It is "sort of" forced because I technically do have access to other computers - obviously, since I am using one right now. And it is "sort of" a hiatus because I do need to check my e-mail, and there may be times I need to access sites for work, banking, etc. But...no Facebook, no Myspace, no blogging, and no mindless web surfing.

This is more of an experiment than anything else, to see how much of my time is eaten up by that almighty invention of Al Gore ;o). I want to see how much time I devote to other projects...writing [projects aside from my blog!], reading, spending quality time with God, keeping my newly cleaned house from becoming a total garbage dump...things like that.

So in true scientific form:

Hypothesis: Leanne wastes lots of time on the computer.

Theory: If Leanne cuts out all unnecessary Internet use, this may lead her to live a more healthy, productive life.

Experiment: Spend a work week [typical work week, i.e. M-F...not a weird ministry work week!] using the Internet and e-mail only when necessary and focusing on the other things in life that are important.

My t..v watching is going to be strictly limited as well - only shows that I plan to watch...no channel flipping to "see what's on."

I will report my findings next Saturday...see ya on the flip side!

Bear with me...

2009-07-25T07:46:00.003-05:00

I am working on a HUGE project - cleaning up my blog [which I've had for almost five years now!] and labeling posts so that it's easier to get to the ones you want to read and ignore the ones you don't really care about :o). Feel free to poke around at what I've done so far...

How dare they?!?!?!

2009-07-23T11:04:00.002-05:00

I'm working at another computer right now, thanks to viruses that keep popping up on my laptop.

::big fat eye roll::

This story will eventually have a happy ending, since our wonderful church techie is coming by this evening, picking up my sick laptop, and nursing it back to health. In the meantime, I am thankful for no youth pastor because it means I am not stranded without technology for the day!!

All this to say - this is why there is no picture posted with today's blog.

Let's continue...

Today my husband and I started talking about kids in our church who seem afraid to participate in games, etc. You can tell that they want to volunteer [a word in children's ministry that causes adults to flee the premises, but causes children to mob you!] - their faces are lit up and they're practically sitting on their hands in order to keep them from shooting up and waving wildly in the air. So why aren't they volunteering?

One girl in particular has been told that she is not to participate in "gross" games in which eating something is involved. I can understand if I was asking kids to eat something disgusting [the former CP had volunteers come up and drink a blended hot dog - I'm not even kidding!], but when we're doing an eating game, it's generally something like "fish the gummy worms out from underneath a pile of Reddi-Whip," or "chew a piece of gum to see who can blow the largest bubble in 10 seconds." Stuff like that...

And, I will add - all of my games are centered around whatever the topic is for the day. I don't believe in doing a random game that is not connected to anything, because kids will remember the game more than anything else - and I want them to remember it as it relates to the spiritual application - not, "Well, we had to fish gumballs out of a pile of Spam, but I'm not really sure why..."

That being said - most of the parents who are leery about their kids participating in games are homeschoolers. As I have said many times, I think it's great when parents are able to and choose to educate their kids at home. For some kids, it's the best choice, and many thrive in a home environment when they would have sunk in a public or private school environment.

What troubles me, though, is when it becomes, not an educational choice, but a lifestyle. I have researched, as well as heard with my own ears, what some of the home education gurus are teaching our congregation members. It goes beyond just providing the best education for our kids.

Back to the kids' church example: My husband noted, in the case of the above-mentioned girl, that when her dad [a deacon] is the one responsible for coming up and counting the kids and actually stays for awhile and listens in on our service, then lo and behold! His daughter, for the next month or so, is all of a sudden super-involved in kids' church. Then, after spending some time away, his resolve strengthens, and his daughter is back in the adult service with mom and dad for awhile.

It's like they are conflicted between what they are hearing from the homeschool gurus - Voddie Baucham and Doug Phillips, just to name a few - and what they are actually seeing in their church. They want so badly to do things the "right" way, and according to people like Baucham and Phillips, the "right" thing to do is to have the whole family in the adult service and not participate in "age-segregated ministries." But on the other hand, what they are seeing contradicts what they are hearing. In other words, my husband and I are shaking up their comfortable little world.

As I said to my husband this morning...

HOW DARE THEY?

I'm talking about these men who do not know me. Who have never visited our church. They have never once talked to me about my vision for children's ministry, never observed one of my services. They have never seen a room full of 30-40 kids with their hands raised, singing "Mighty to Save" at the top of their lungs, or gathering in groups to pray for each other. They don't know me from a hole in the wall, and I'd venture to guess that they haven't spoken to a lot of children's or youth pastors, either - and yet they make assumptions that...

...we are there to primarily entertain kids, not teach them the gospel.

...we exist to tear apart families.

...we are trying to "raise" other people's children.

...we purposely sabotage all the values that the parents are trying to instill.

...kids' church is glorified babysitting.

How dare they sit and make assumptions - all of the above are WRONG, by the way - about my call from God without even knowing me?

You can say it's not personal - and to a certain degree, it's not. I have no ill will towards any families I know who are influenced by these men. If anything, I feel horribly bad for them, because their faith is very much [whether they'll admit it or not] works-based. They are trying to live their lives according to a formula..."if I do a, b, and c, then that will result in d."

The people I have a beef with are those who would preach to these wonderful people and sell them a bill of goods called "the perfect family." There's no such thing. I am here, not to break up families, but to assist them. Not to usurp parents, but to partner with them. To find creative and innovate ways to teach kids the gospel.

And how DARE people who know nothing about me feed their "followers" a pack of lies about what I am called by God to do? I invite Revs. Baucham and Phillips, or anyone who reveres them and happen to stumble upon my blog, to talk to me - find out who I am. What makes me tick - what drives me. What I believe about families, and about the gospel.

Or if talking to a female children's pastor is too much for you, I have the numbers of several male CP's who would be happy to tell you the same thing.

"Nooks and Crannies" week at our home

2009-07-21T11:00:00.002-05:00

Starting tonight, it is "nooks and crannies week" in the Weber household.

We decided that, since we have spent the last few weeks cleaning out all the nooks and crannies under our jurisdiction at the church [my office closet, the preschool room, our drama storage room, and our children's ministry supply closet], it is only fair that we pay the same amount of attention to our home.

It is unbelievable to me how much JUNK can accumulate in one's home in only three years. I feel crowded and suffocated in my own home, and as Oprah says often, "Your home should rise up to meet you."

My husband mocks me when I quote Oprah - he says things like, "Is that in the New Earth book? Are they going to come and take your credentials away for watching Oprah?" To me, it's just a t.v. show. I watch when she has an interesting guest whose story I want to hear, or when it's an interesting topic, like home makeovers or "Oprah gives away free stuff." I also read some of her book club books, because she really does have good taste in fiction - and I am completely indebted to her for giving me a great price on my books from my Contemporary Literature class that I brought to Half Price Books - because all of them ended up on her book club list and were very much in demand!

But yes - I want my home to "rise up to meet me." I want it to be a place I look forward to going after I've been in the office all day - not a place I avoid like the plague.

I may post pictures of my progress...I may not. It depends on the degrees of transformation that end up happening...stay tuned...

Walking through a soccer field with a lazy dog...

2009-07-20T11:53:00.005-05:00

This is my dog Cubby, shown in one of her favorite spots in the house, and her favorite position.

Some would say, "Well, it's your fault, because you conditioned her to not enjoy exercising by not doing it enough."

But as of today, I have deemed her my walking partner. So she's getting at least 1/2 hour of exercise per day, whether she likes it or not. Unless the weather is bad. Then I'll just take her potty, scoop up her poop, and head over to the treadmill. I just figure that since I live in the midwestern United States, I should get as much outdoor exercise as I can, because the snow will fly before I know it...

Feeling really tired today - it's Monday! A lot of pastors take Monday as their day off, but I would rather a.) have an actual weekend - Friday AND Saturday, and b.) Not spend my day off comatose on the couch. So I come in on Mondays, deem it "zombie day," and do all the mundane, monotonous stuff like filing and writing up my weekly report and all that stuff! Things that need to be done, but don't take a lot of brain power or great spiritual insight to do.

Some of those things involve using the copier, but it is not functioning properly and it IS our secretary's day off - so that work will have to wait until tomorrow.

Today I went through Facebook and deleted people from my last two churches. It seems silly, sort of "junior-highish" in a way, but it was mostly symbolic. It was a way for me to move on. Obviously, I'm not talking about people that I still actually keep in touch with. I'm referring to the "oh, so-and-so is on Facebook? I think I'll add them so I can keep up with what's going on in their lives [or really, the old church!]" friends. I just need to be done with those chapters in my life so that my husband and I can move ahead and heal 100%. Dredging up old memories or stalking to find out how they are thriving or sinking without us just does not help in that process.

It was another deep, cleansing breath in the process of junk that God is clearing from my life.

I am having a difficult time functioning today - but not because of the "brain cloud" - it is truly gone. I am just SO TIRED. And no, I am not pregnant - it was just a busy weekend. I would love to just curl up on the couch or the bed with the window open [the weather is absolutely beautiful today!] so the breeze is blowing in, and take a good nap. In some cultures, companies close for an hour mid-day for napping. I think that's a great idea. Who do I talk to about that?

I think I will dig in my purse for some money and make my way over to the youth supply closet and buy some soda. I'll be feeding my need for caffeine and supporting the youth ministry all in one fell swoop. So everybody wins!!!

Perhaps I will peruse the latest issue of "K Magazine" that came today - that way I'm improving my mind by reading about the latest in children's ministry instead of sitting here absent-mindedly drooling on myself. I really do want to give my pastor his money's worth when it comes to me!!!

Off to the caffeine!!!!

11 years!

2009-07-18T13:55:00.002-05:00

We've officially outlasted most celebrities two times over!

I'm not going to blog for a long time, because I need to go finish making myself pretty before my husband wakes up. This overnight shift thing has been an interesting adjustment to make - but he made sure he got himself into bed by 10:00 this morning so that he would be ready to wake up by 2:30. We have Saturday night prayer at 7:00 tonight, so we'll have a few hours to celebrate. Our "real" day that we spent together was Thursday - but we decided we at least needed to do SOMETHING to acknowledge the actual day.

It's been a wild and crazy 11 years of marriage...today is a day of reflecting on our wedding day and on all the years we've been together. This summer marks 16 years of dating, and so we have officially been together half our lives! I haven't regretted a moment - there has never even been one second of, "I wonder if I should have married the first guy I seriously dated." All I missed out on was having my heart broken a million times over.

I am not necessarily an advocate of "courtship," but I am a huge fan of friendship. Instead of looking for people to have a serious dating relationship with, I chose to just make friends. Eventually, one of those friends stood out to me. When we first started dating, the song, "When I Fall in Love [it will be forever]" was popular on the radio because of the Sleepless in Seattle soundtrack. I decided that the song made sense to me, and my friends mocked my innocence and idealism.

But I did fall in love forever, and I have a diamond ring, 11 years of marriage, and the greatest man in the world to prove it.

Off to go brush my teeth/curl my hair/powder my nose/find a cute outfit to put on!!!

Contented Mess

2009-07-17T13:09:00.002-05:00

I'm a mess.

But I'm happy about it.

After much thinking, praying, agonizing, and soul-searching, I came to the above conclusions.

For far too long, I've been too comfortable in my relationship with God. I don't mean comfortable in the Scriptural context, as in, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light." This is a truth that I continually come back to - that I am constantly reminded of.

When I say "comfortable," I am talking about the self-assured, know-it-all, almost Pharisaical tendencies to presume that I know everything about the way God works. As if we can reduce our the things of God to some sort of man-made algebraic formula: "Do x and y, and z will result."

But what about when x + y produces something other than z? Does that mean my faith is going to be shattered? Does it mean that God has stopped loving me? Does it mean the Bible is no longer true?

I am not talking about principles, lest you think I'm getting heretical on you. Basic orthodox Christianity will always win in my book. God loves us. God created us. He sent Jesus to live a perfect life and die for us, taking on the sins of the world, and rising again on the 3rd day. Apart from Jesus, we cannot know God. These are truths that are not negotiable.

A friend of mine in college - a physics major and theatre minor [I'm still not sure how that worked - he has recently declared theatre to be his passion and physics to be his hobby, after earning his PhD in the latter!] - once asked in a class discussion, "What good is a faith if it can't be questioned?"

That question has haunted me since then. If my faith is built on truth - on the irrefutable truth of God's Word - then it will hold up to my scrutiny. To my questioning. I can try to shake it up, rip it apart, smash it on the ground, throw it away - whatever I can possibly think up in my creative little brain to do to it - and if it's true, it's true. I need to not be afraid to ask questions and be totally honest about how I'm feeling. God knows the truth that lies hidden in my heart, anyway - even if I don't particularly feel comfortable sharing it with anyone else.

And there really isn't any juicy/seedy/shady revelation to be found there. I'm an open book. I like to think of myself as all mysterious and deep, but really, if you're one of the few people that I let crack my shell [and I am beyond apologizing for not allowing everyone the same degrees of access to my life!], I'm pretty much "what you see is what you get."

Still...there is a part of me - maybe it's the Minnesota-raised "everyone's a little bit Lutheran" part of me - that is decidedly not evangelical. As I have spent time thinking, praying, and seeking God, that is becoming more and more obvious. I do not mean "not evangelical" as in "I don't like to tell other people about Jesus." I am talking about the evangelical subculture that we have created. In many ways, I am completely over that whole subculture. I have a few confessions to make:

*I am not always a Republican.
*I trick-or-treated as a child, and my future kids probably will, too.
*I avoid trendy Christian "how-to" books as much as possible. I still have not read The Purpose-Driven Life, and to be totally honest, I probably won't.
*But I do enjoy Christian fiction.
*However, I also read fiction that is NOT published by Zondervan or Bethany House.
*I watch t.v.
*I am tired of feeling like a failure because I am about to turn 33 and have not yet reproduced [or that I have only been trying for about half a year!]. Plenty of women outside our subculture do not have their first baby until age 35-36. Stop with the scare tactics already!!
*I like hymns.
*I don't like the phrase "God showed up" in regards to prayer meeetings. I think God is omnipresent and was already there to begin with.
*I am generally not emotional in public. Don't let that fool you into thinking I am not "experiencing God."
*I have always wanted to get my nose pierced, but have chosen against it NOT for any "spiritual" reasons, but because of my allergies.
*I believe in all the gifts of the Spirit, and am still Pentecostal.
*I love Jesus, and ultimately, that's what it's all about.

And lastly, I will probably continue to ask questions, still try to figure things out, until the day I die. Maybe even after that, depending on how the whole question-asking thing works in heaven.

I'm not trying to start a revolution of any kind. I'm not covertly working in a church to try to "change things from within" or any such thing. I am here because I believe God wants me here. Maybe I don't quite fit into the evangelical jello mold. But that didn't stop God from calling me, and the only person I've seen trying to pour me into that mold has been me. Maybe a few homeschoolers*, but I think they have probably given up on me by now.

[*Disclaimer: I think homeschooling is a perfectly valid educational choice, and those I know who educate their kids at home are very lovely people. I just don't enjoy being put in a box - I think they've figured that out, and most of them still talk to me!!!]

I am a mess. And I am content to remain a mess until, as Paul wrote, "the perfect comes and the imperfect disappears."

Viva la difference!!!

Wow!!!

2009-07-14T22:09:00.002-05:00

It's a long read, but well worth it - click here for an excellent read on "Finding the Church Again." I'm adding this blog to my favorites...

Airing of Grievances

2009-07-13T10:12:00.003-05:00

My pet peeves of the day:

*When companies mess something up for you and no one wants to take responsibility for it and just fix it...no, it was someone in our billing department...no, it was our customer service rep who gave you the wrong information...and it goes on and on and nothing gets accomplished.

*People who wouldn't even give you the time of day in high school due to whatever hierarchy was going on in their heads, but now want to be your friend on Facebook, and flag you down like a long-lost cousin whenever you're back in town.

*The Duggars.

*Just about all the couples featured on MTV's "16 and Pregnant."

*People who do everything last-minute and expect me to operate according to their system.

*Being told to "smile." I'll smile if and when I feel like it, and just because I don't have a perma-grin plastered to my face, it doesn't mean I'm not happy. For all you know, I have something stuck between my teeth and I am en route to find a mirror to take care of it.

*Scales [as in, the kind you weigh yourself on!].

*Still hearing about Michael Jackson every time I turn on the news.

*Reading people's tweets or Facebook status updates about how they "miss" MJ so much. Hello?!?? You never knew him and he never knew you! And it's not like his music was eradicated from the face of the earth upon his death. Throw on your Thriller album and he'll be just as much "with you" as he was when he was alive. Three kids lost their father. Six [I think?!?] men and women lost a brother. Many people lost a friend. We lost the opportunity to travel to London and see him in concert. Don't get me wrong - I think he was extremely talented, and I do hope that the rumors of his "late in life" conversion to Christianity are true, because I don't want anyone to burn in hell for all of eternity. My life just hasn't changed one way or another as a result of his death.

*The fact that the Hallmark channel removed their morning back-to-back episodes of Little House on the Prairie, but still insists on showing episodes of 7th Heaven.

*Not being able to lose weight on a steady diet of burgers, fries, pasta, and Chinese takeout ;o).

Okay, that was kind of fun! Later this week I'll post something sappy and mushy about my husband and how great it's been to be married to him for 11 years this coming Saturday.

Me First!!!!

2009-07-07T07:52:00.005-05:00

I really hate competition in the church.

I really, really, really hate competition in the church.

There. I've said it. I don't mean friendly competition, like when we pit the boys against the girls for BGMC and the captain of the losing team [in other words, me or my husband!] gets a pie on the face. I rather enjoy that type of competition, especially since the girls usually win.

The kind of competition I mean is the "my ministry is more important than yours" syndrome. Where people are competing for leaders. The whole mentality of, "Oooh...a new convert! Let's befriend them and then suck them into our area of ministry," or "I can't work in the nursery once a month because I'm on the prayer team."

Our church, in an effort not to burn people out, has devised a system of "primary and secondary ministries." People are expected to serve in at least one area, and if they can handle it, can do two. I totally, 100% agree with and support that.

HOWEVER...

1. If you claim something as your primary ministry, then OWN IT! People who say that the prayer team is their primary ministry, but do not show up for Saturday night prayer? That confuses me. To me, that's like saying, "I am involved with Royal Rangers, but I can't make it on Wednesday nights." Huh? If someone is eyeball-deep in a ministry, it shows, and ministry leaders like myself pretty much don't bug them. But if you sit around and don't get involved in your ministry, expect someone to approach you because, quite frankly, it doesn't look like you're doing anything.

2. I can ask anyone anything. It is not up to me to spend hours researching which ministries people are or are not involved in, or what their personality type is, and if they're the type of person who has a hard time saying no. It is YOUR job to say no if you can't do it. And don't sugarcoat it. None of this, "I'll pray about it," or "Not at this season in my life." The praying about it thing is just Christianese for no, anyway, and how am I supposed to know when said season in your life has ended? Expect me to contact you every 6 months from now until eternity to see if the "season" is over. Just because I can.

3. There is a such thing as a "branch ministry." That is, a short-term project. A one-day event. Helping to iron costumes for the Christmas play, or grilling burgers at the church picnic. You ARE allowed to help with things like this without sacrificing your main ministry. The pastor is okay with it. Trust me - I've asked.

4. To fellow ministry leaders/staff pastors: Play nice, please! Can't we all just get along and cooperate with each other? I scratch your back, you scratch mine? I am 100% dedicated to making my pastor's vision succeed, and if that means pitching in to help with a dinner that has absolutely nothing to do with children, I will do that if I'm able. My leaders are super, kind-hearted individuals who would probably help, too. But at the same time, you need to meet me halfway sometimes, too.

Understand that children's ministry is one of THE most difficult areas to staff with volunteers. At the same time, I don't want just anyone working with the kids of our church. If I ask you, be flattered - it's because I think you would be fantastic working with the church of TODAY [I don't think that kids are the "church of tomorrow"].

So fellow ministry leaders - Don't be threatened by me. I'm doing the same thing you're doing...it'll all work out. If we're doing it for God's kingdom, don't you think He'll make sure the right people are plugged into the right ministry?

And congregation members - No hard feelings if you can't work in kids' ministry - I still think you're swell! Just be honest about it.

The end.

I love summer!!

2009-07-06T17:51:00.002-05:00

At least when we have weather like today, I do. Upper 70's/lower 80's, breezy, low humidity - perfect weather for doing just about anything [well, other than winter sports, obviously!]. I am craving sun tea something fierce. My husband does not enjoy the stuff, but I may just go and buy myself a clear jug and some teabags and make it for myself. An entire jug of sweetened sun tea, all for me? I could think of worse things.

Summer is exhausting for me. Although, come to think of it, I don't really get to slow down until January.

We do plan to take some time off at some point this summer to celebrate our 11-year anniversary and our 33rd birthdays. They're all within two weeks of each other...

July 18th - our anniversary
August 4th - Patrick's birthday
August 16th - my birthday

...so we usually lump them all together and do something big to celebrate all three.

Our fun plans for the summer include:

*strawberry picking

*attending at least one "festival" at Apple Holler, a local restaurant/orchard/dinner theatre/petting zoo/craft store. Each month during the summer is dedicated to a different fruit - I want to say it's cherries this month - and they do all kinds of cheesy fun activities around it.

*A picnic on Lake Michigan

*Getting some fun pictures taken of us and our dog, also by Lake Michigan [one of our preschool teachers at church is a photography student, and she takes PHENOMENAL photos, and she said she'd be happy to do some shots of us].

*The Bristol Renaissance Faire

*A trip into Chicago for dinner, a show, and shopping/sightseeing at Navy Pier.

Summer is halfway over, so we had better get cracking on some of these. We have learned in the ministry that time together is something we need to CLAIM, or else we inevitably allow it to get swallowed up by everything else. Obviously, there are certain non-negotiable days [a leisurely Sunday brunch is out of the question, for example!], but my senior pastors find nothing wrong with our picking a day/evening during the week in which we tell others "we're not available" for meetings, non-emergency phone-calls, etc. In fact, they do it themselves.

This is something we learned in our last ministry - granted, we were also working day jobs and running a theatre company, but we allowed anything and everything to be an interruption of our time together. A romantic evening at home was often turned into a phone conversation with a board member who was trying to figure out how to do something on the church computer, or a teacher who absolutely HAD to know, right that minute, where I had moved the construction paper to. Even after we were done there - before we moved - we were bombarded by phonecalls and e-mails about things that hadn't gotten finished before we left.

I'm not kidding - it got so bad, I finally called the district presbyter [our former SP's best friend and a super sweet guy. He had told us after we left, "I know everything about your situation at your old church, and I want you to consider me to be your pastor until you find a new position - anything you need at all in the way of pastoral care or support while you're still in the area, don't hesitate to call me."] and tell him that they were still bugging us. He actually flagged me down at my job [I worked at a Christian college - it was not at all unusual to see local pastors roaming the halls] to let me know that the situation was taken care of and that he had told them to stop contacting us.

When we were between churches, we had some time to reflect on what we would do differently the next time around, and we realized that boundaries had been crossed because we had not clearly defined them. After a nonsensical 45-minute long conversation about whether we were on Team Jolie or Team Aniston, I broke down crying, saying, "It's been so long since we've had an inane conversation like this."

We agreed to more carefully define our boundaries the next time around - to leave us room to have more inane conversations about celebrities or other things that had nothing to do with ministry or work. While I believe that you are a pastor 100% of the time - it's not something you can turn on or off [as in, "It's my day off today - I believe I'll have a nice glass of wine."], there must be time to relax and turn your brain off for awhile.

This is not necessarily a "how-to" manual for others like us - but here is a list of some things we have done to keep ourselves sane, still happy and in love, and still loving what we do [keep in mind that we are staff pastors - not senior pastors!]:

*Look at our calendars each week and determine which night is going to be our "date night" that week [Some couples have designated the same day each week; however, my husband works the overnight shift, not always on the same days, so we need to take it week by week!].

*Make specific plans - even if it's just a "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" marathon [yes, I enjoy that show and am collecting the series on DVD - and God is fine with it!] and Chinese takeout in the living room - we need to have a concrete idea or we flounder and end up doing nothing [Some plans in the works for us are a Cop Rock marathon and a mockumentary night - complete with Spinal Tap, Waiting for Guffman, and Bob Roberts].

*TURN ALL OUR PHONES OFF!!!! People can live without us for a few hours.

*Do not check work e-mail from home on our day off. Just because we can, doesn't mean we should. Because inevitably, there is going to be something there that needs to be dealt with.

So far, in three years, people have been very respectful of our personal boundaries. Partially because we are in a more functional church.

But also because we have clearly defined them.

*

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth...

2009-07-03T20:04:00.002-05:00

I'm still here, alive and well!

Things are looking up - my outlook on life is much brighter than it was a week ago at this time, and I'm ready to move forward and grab whatever life has for me.

It's a particularly rough stretch for my husband, work-wise. He's worked several nights in a row, and although he enjoys working the overnight shift, when one's spouse works nights, one must adjust his/her schedule accordingly or else never see them.

So when I haven't been working, I've been spending time with him instead of blogging. Right now I am exhausted and sore from a marathon cleaning event - both at the church and at my house this morning [my day off] while Patrick slept.

Our hot date was grabbing dinner and restocking our home with groceries. We are about 98% sure that Saturday night prayer is cancelled tomorrow, so we're hoping [when he wakes up!] to have some semblance of 4th of July fun together. Which means I have tomorrow morning to put the finishing touches on kids' church.

And that is the story of my life these days. Both the husband and the dog are napping now, so I think I will curl up on the couch and read or watch some t.v....

I married a keeper!

2009-06-30T17:05:00.002-05:00

So last night, I finally got motivated enough to clean out our bedroom. Well...the bedroom closet. The room itself is a two-day job as it stands right now [and I thought that if we are trying to make a baby, the room in which we do the trying should be more appealing to us than it has been as of late. Plus, I was just getting grossed out by the clutter and dust bunnies!], but I was knee deep in piles of trash, stuff to keep, and stuff to donate to the Goodwill.

It was about 6:00 and I asked my husband what his thoughts were on dinner. He asked me, "Do you prefer pasta, fajitas, or chicken and stuffing?"

I thought about it and decided that pasta was the most appealing [big shocker coming from me, lol!]. So he got up from the computer, drove to the store, and picked up ravioli, light alfredo sauce, frozen garlic bread, and for dessert, the tollhouse cookie dough that comes already formed - you just have to put it on a cookie sheet and bake it.

He said that dessert was my job, but that he'd do the rest.

I sat down to a super yummy meal that I had no hand in preparing [as I have stated, pasta in any form is always a winner for me!]. I threw the cookies in the oven after dinner, we sat down on the couch and ate them while we watched The Colbert Report, and then he went to sleep for a few hours before starting his overnight shift.

My day was filled with awesome moments like that yesterday - in the middle of a very emotionally "cloudy" day, God kept sending me reminders that He still cares, and that I'm exactly where He wants me, doing exactly what He wants me to do.

So I keep plodding along...I even had a few brainstorms today and yesterday as far as kids' ministry at my church goes...once I've discussed them with my husband and our team, I will post them here!!

Gotta run - the sexiest man in the universe is outside to pick me up...later!!!!

Presuming to know God's mind

2009-06-30T12:48:00.001-05:00

I am not going to expound on this much, because Pastor Deanna Shrodes has already written an excellent blog about this topic...

But SERIOUSLY?!?!?

Are we really going to waste all kinds of time and energy debating whether or not Michael Jackson accepted Christ before he died?

Yes, God does require us to come to Him in order to get to heaven. But I have heard people say that since THEY did not hear Jackson say the Sinner's Prayer and confess Jesus as Lord, then obviously it didn't happen.

What arrogance.

My God is bigger than that.

And I hope I see Michael Jackson in heaven someday. Because in heaven, I truly believe that I will have the ability to dance [even though I'm kind of klutzy now!], and if MJ's there, I am going to get him to show me some of his killer moves.

Besides that, I really don't want to see anyone burn in hell for all of eternity. And according to my Bible, neither does God.

I am tired of people who take some sort of sadistic delight in pointing out that "such and such celebrity is probably in hell right now" when they die. If you truly believe that, you should be mourning for them, not gloating about how great you are compared to what a rotten sinner they were.

[There's a parable in the Bible that covers that, too!]

In the musical Once on this Island, one of the characters says, "Honey, if we knew why the gods did things, we would be gods ourselves!"

Obviously, I'm not polytheistic. But when talking about the one true God, it does contain some truth. If we knew everything about God and why and how He did things, we would have no need for Him.

And I certainly know that's not true.

The clouds part sometimes...

2009-06-29T14:15:00.003-05:00

...but there's still a long way to go before I go back to feeling "normal."

But it will happen. I know it will. I will get out of this funk that I'm in.

To tell you the truth, I don't know why I'm in it - that's the crazy thing about being depressed. Sometimes...we just are. Those of you who struggle with this know what I'm talking about. Because, truthfully? I shouldn't be. Things are going great for me - there are tons of good things happening in my life. So much to be thankful for. So many things that I should be doing. That I want to be doing.

But the big, dark cloud in my brain is like a barrier that keeps me from it. That keeps me from seeing the good and only focuses on the bad. The clouds part for awhile, and I know that, just like a farmer who is trying to fnish harvesting before a rainstorm, I had better buckle down and get things done before another cloud rolls in, rendering me completely unable to function.

I am an excellent actress. I should win Oscars and Tonys galore for the performance I've been putting on lately. I get out of bed, shower, and get dressed. I come to the office. Somehow, there is kids' church every Sunday. Somehow, through my tears, I manage to put on the "pastoral face" when I walk in the building [even if I've been sobbing the entire way there].

My weight has gone up. I know that working out makes me feel better, physically and emotionally, but the cloud will not let me do this.

My house needs a good deep-cleaning. My husband has been doing more as far as picking up and straightening things out since he's home during the day now [he works overnights], so it doesn't quite qualify us for an episode of that show on the Style network where people wade knee-deep in junk and trash and help families get more organized.

I am functioning. But I am really tired of doing "self talk" to convince me to get out of bed. I want to just get out of bed because it's what normal people do in the mornings - not because I feel sorry for the poor dog who is running through the house doing the potty dance and I don't think she should have to suffer just because her owner is cracking up.

I am listening to praise and worship music. I have prayed. I have read the Bible. I have asked God so many times to lift this cloud, I am starting to wonder if I sound like a broken record in heaven.

But it has parted a few times. Just for a few moments at a time, I can think clearly. Which makes me think that God probably has something big planned for me or through me and the enemy is trying to bring me down. Because he does that. It's sort of the way he rolls.

I also know the way God rolls. And even if he hasn't "rolled" yet in my life, he will. If I am going to say that I am a Christian, I have to believe this.

So bear with me until then...

Looks like no kids' camp this year...

2009-06-29T09:59:00.002-05:00

Let me rephrase:

There WILL be kids' camp, and it will be awesome as usual, but it doesn't look like I will be bringing a group of kids there this year.

There's just no one from my church who is interested in going.

I've been bummed about this - because I know what a great experience kids' camp is. We asked our main leader, who has been in kids' ministry since the last children's pastor was there, "Are we just not pushing camp as much as we should be? Did Scott do it differently than us, because he seemed to bring a good 20 kids up there each year?"

She assured us that we are doing all he did and more to push camp.

Some of the reasons I've heard are:

*The economy
*Family vacation scheduled at the same time
*My son already went to Pow Wow [or Mpact Winter Camp for daughters]
*There is no male counselor going from our church

Point by point...

The economy - Okay, that one is valid. People are losing jobs, having to cut back on expenses, and camp has gotten expensive. Still, I grew up in a single parent household, raised by a mom who worked for peanuts at a tiny Christian school, and we always managed to save money throughout the year for both my brother and me to go to camp each summer. Other than the year I had to choose between the Sonshine Music Festival and camp, but I digress...

Family vacations - Obviously, kids have to go where their parents tell them. But unless there is a family reunion or wedding - in other words, an event whose dates you cannot control [I include the 11 year-old boy whose sister is playing the piano at the National Fine Arts Festival and the family is making a vacation out of it, although I do question why an A/G district would schedule a week of camp during General Council...], why not schedule your getaway around camp?

Pow Wow or Winter Camp - I totally support this one, actually - if families can only afford one or the other, I am completely on board with whatever the child chooses. Either way, they're getting the "camp" experience, and Mpact and Rangers are da' bomb!

No male counselor - Okay, I have to admit that this was the one I had a really hard time with. I am still trying to wrap my brain around it. The camp that we attend is the only one I have heard of that tries, as much as possible, to put kids with leaders from their own church. They do this more for spiritual reasons [i.e. follow-up on salvations, kids who get filled with the Holy Spirit, etc] than anything else, but now several of our parents have gotten used to it and insist that that's the way it has to be. As much as I try to reassure them that all the counselors go through the same background check process, and that I am personally acquainted with most of the guys who will be there, it falls on deaf ears.

I had one parent say, "Well, isn't there a guy from the youth group who has turned 18 who could go?" when I mentioned that all of my male leaders have to work [and most of them take tons of time off already throughout the year for Royal Rangers events].

Personally, I would trust them with a grown man - most of them who have families of their own [not that having kids is a prerequisite for being a good children's pastor, otherwise I'd be up a creek!!], over an 18 year-old kid that they don't even have a relationship with. Be that as it may, there really aren't any 18 year-old guys in our youth group - our church is on a "young group" cycle - both in kids' ministry and in youth ministry...not to mention that as of 3:00 yesterday afternoon, we no longer have a youth pastor...

The point of all my rambling is basically to say how sad I am that parents just don't seem to see camp as a priority. When I was a kid, the conversations began in January:

"Where are you going to camp this year?"
"Do you want to room together at camp?"
"Who's the speaker this year?"
"We have to remember to bring our own snacks in case they serve the nasty tater tot casserole again this year."

I know times have changed. I know we're in an economic recession in our country. But some of these kids NEED camp. I wish I could pay for all of them to go, if money is the issue. I wish I could change the minds of people who won't send their kids if I can't scrounge up a guy to sleep in their cabin. I wish I could get it into their heads that this could be the most important experience that their kids have in their lives!

But...I can't. And I have to forge ahead and figure out my next strategic move. I'll let you know when I figure it out!

Go, Go, Go....

2009-06-25T12:56:00.003-05:00

Go, go, go Joseph, you know what they say,
Hang on now, Joseph, you'll make it someday,
Don't give up, Joseph, fight 'til you drop -
We've read the Book, and you come out on top!

Giving myself a little pep talk today, ala Andrew Lloyd Webber. I love me some "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat." The cast recording with Donny Osmond is the best, because he hits that great note at the end of "Close Every Door."

I may have, once again, out-geeked myself.

Still a little frustrated, but tomorrow is my day off. I already have my home phone and cell phone turned off. My husband and I have big plans to hang out in our apartment and just enjoy each other's company [after he wakes up...he just left for work about 20 minutes ago!] - maybe order some Chinese food [we finally found a place that delivers!], watch a movie, and relax so that we can rejuvenate and both continue to love what we do.

Looking forward to it - I'm off to throw in a Gilmore Girls episode or two and wind down for the night...

And from the "wanting to run from the room screaming and tearing my hair out" department....

2009-06-24T23:28:00.002-05:00

...why do I do this whole ministry thing again?

And can I be content with where I am in life and still want to whack people over the head with a shovel?

Wait...it was 98 degrees today [the temperature, not the boy band]. No shovels to be seen. Up their nose with a garden hose?

Why do people's "issues" seem to hit all at once? Can't they get together and have weekly meetings and try to space them out a little bit?

Could God please call me to one of those perfect churches with no people in them?

[Yes, it's been a rough night. Time to be done with today.]

Passion = Contentment [conclusion to yesterday's blog]

2009-06-23T15:31:00.002-05:00

I am not content.

There, I've said it. It's out there.

I'm not talking about, "this world is not my home," or "I want to be all I can be in Jesus Christ," or any other Christianese that you can think of.

I am talking about the struggle to be content with the life that I have. The struggle to not constantly wonder if I'm missing out on something. If I'd be happier if I was doing x, y, or z.

And if I'm constantly wondering if I would be better off elsewhere, it is hard to be passionate about what I am doing. It's like a permanent case of short-timer's disease.

The thing is, I may be called away from here in the next 2-3 years. Or I could end up staying here another 20. Only God knows what he has planned for me. No matter what, though, he has been challenging me to "bloom where I'm planted" while I'm planted here. To be happy. To embrace life fully as I am now - not wait until our finances are better, or until I get pregnant, or until I write the Great American Novel and it catches Oprah's eye, instantly guaranteeing me a bestseller.

When my husband and I were married, we chose the song "With You" from the musical Pippin as our unity candle song. The jist of it is "I have a great life, and I want to share it with you." We despised [and still do!] songs whose message is essentially, "I would die without you," or "my life was horrible until you walked into it." Two incomplete people do not equal one complete person.

Somewhere along the road I lost that attitude. I've depended on circumstances...people...feelings...everything else to dictate my happiness and my passion. There are going to be days when I don't feel like being in the same room as my husband [I am an introvert and I value my alone time - he knows this and graciously gives it to me!], but that doesn't mean I don't love him.

There are days when I don't feel like being a children's pastor...until I start thinking about the kids I haven't seen in a few Sundays, or get a great idea for a new series, or walk into the Prims classroom and get knocked over by 10 girls rushing at me for hugs. Then I realize, even though I may not feel like doing this anymore, that this is who I am.

I have said it many times before, and it's time I reminded myself of it again: all of the Fruits of the Spirit are a choice, not a feeling. We choose to be loving, joyful, kind, good, self-controlled, etc. I could drive myself crazy playing the "what if?" game.

*What if things had worked out at our last church?

*What if I had chosen to say no and NOT pursue becoming a pastor?

*What if I could just go away for 6 months and take a good, long break? Would I still want to do what I do?

*What if things don't work out here once I have kids?

*What if I never have kids?

And the Lord cameth downeth and spoketh to me-eth, "You're driving ME crazy with all of your 'what-ifs.' And I'M God!" And I realized that if I am going to be happy - if I am going to be joyful, I need to choose it. As the old saying goes,

Love like you've never been hurt;
Work like you don't need the money;
and dance like nobody's watching.

I think I'd rather dance...

Getting the passion back

2009-06-22T13:40:00.002-05:00

This morning as I was getting ready for work, I had "Good Morning America" on as background noise. One of today's guests was a kids' choir from New York's public school system. I typically cannot resist t.v. talk shows featuring super talented "regular" people, so I set my flat iron down and went into the living room to take a look.

The kids were good. The director was outstanding.

What was outstanding about him was his obvious passion for what he did and his love for the kids that he directed. You could see the joy in his eyes as he played the piano or guitar, as he directed the choir, as he high-fived the soloist - a chubby kid who coule very well have been overlooked by a sports team, but was finding some sort of self-worth in singing instead. This is something that he will hang onto for life - I know this, because I was that chubby kid in elementary school who triumphed in 4th and 5th grade by winning essay contests. Even though I could not hit a ball or run the mile or do a pull-up, I hung onto the fact that I had been inspired and encouraged to write. And that encouragement had been validated by the little "first place" trophies that are still stored in a box somewhere in my closet.

I watched the director, "Mr. B," with all his passion and enthusiasm, his excitement as he directed the kids singing "Don't Stop Believing," and I felt tears spring to my eyes.

Where did my passion go?

I have long championed the cause of "Leanne can't be your friend if you are not passionate about something." I guess that means, in my current state, that I cannot be friends with myself.

I have been approaching ministry like I once approached my 8-5 receptionist job; as something that I do daily because the bills need to be paid. I shut my brain off to anything and everything upon arriving home - I cease to be...anything.

I could psychoanalyze this to death - maybe it's because instead of ministry being a passion I pursued outside my job, it has become my job. My livelihood. I remember thinking about how great it would be to not have to juggle a 40-hour a week job with ministry and all the other stuff I did.

But at least then it was a passion. It was an escape from the day-to-day grind. Somehow, it has morphed into the day-to-day grind.

The trouble is, I am so lost now, I don't even know how to get it back. I know I am called - that much is obvious. But how do I lose that lump in my stomach on Sunday mornings? How do I abandon the self-talk necessary to get up and spend another day in the office...conduct two services on Sunday morning...teach a Wednesday night class? How do I create enough enthusiasm and passion in myself so that others see me and think, "I want to work with her!"?

A lot of pastors talk about the "summer slump," but for those of us in the children's and youth departments, summer is one of our busiest times. We can't afford to "slump."

I don't need a conference or seminar to give me a "shot in the arm" that will last a few months. I need that passion - that excitement of knowing that I am doing what I was born to do, and that I would live, eat, and breathe it if I could [other than taking regular Sabbath rest, of course!]. I watch my senior pastors, who have been doing this for 30 years - 24 of those years at this church - and instead of being excited at the prospect of "getting to do this for that long," my mind is filled with fear and dread of God making me do this for the next 20+ years.

I want that passion back. I used to have it - I know it was there somewhere. I need to find it again...

...and soon.

Recovering

2009-06-19T20:54:00.003-05:00

So I did break down and go to the doctor. My ear pain had gotten so bad, the whole right side of my face felt like someone had punched me. I stayed home from work on Tuesday and that afternoon, once Patrick had slept a few hours, he drove me to the doctor's office. Sure enough, it was an ear infection. I have had these routinely since birth, so I pretty much know what they feel like. In fact, in 8th grade, I won the city spelling bee with a double ear infection, a sinus infection, strep throat, and bronchitis - drugged out of my mind on pain meds [one of my prouder moments].

Wednesday I felt a little better, but I stayed home to try to figure out how to put puppets together so I'd be ready for our team meeting that evening - I thought that if I was going to teach 3rd-5th graders how to assemble their own puppets, I should probably know what I was talking about. Me + artsy craftsy things = much confusion, so yes, it did take the better part of a day to figure it out.

Today, I took my second to last antibiotic and the pain is almost gone - it only slightly hurts when I yawn.

I am a bit of a Type A perfectionist, and suffer from extreme guilt when I need to call in sick. Somehow, I feel like the office just can't survive without me, and that my bosses are going to think I have a crappy work ethic. Yeah - because I didn't go into work with extreme pain shooting up and down one side of my face, no matter how much Tylenol I was popping. It's ridiculous - and when my husband stopped by the office to pick up my laptop, our PW even told him, "Please tell her not to worry about anything besides getting better."

All the same, I really hate being sick, and am glad that things are getting back to normal.

Really needing to recommit to a workout routine of some sort. As much as I enjoy being a couch potato, I also enjoy my clothes fitting [and some of them are borderline right now!]. If I'm going to go shopping, it's going to be because there's a great sale somewhere - not because I need to "upgrade" to a new size. The eating hasn't been the greatest, either, and I'm recommitting to doing a better job with that, too.

Patrick and I met and hammered out a bunch of details for kids' ministry...preschool recruiting, our themes for the rest of 2009, and our Wednesday night program in August. We're doing Mega Sports Camp, but adding some of the options from Mega Ministry Camp, too, for the nonathletic kids [drama and cooking]. Very excited about this!

Not sure what my plans are for the rest of the weekend [other than church tomorrow and prayer tonight, obviously!] - we may stop by Nostalgia Days, an annual carnival with fair foods, a few rides, an antique car show and loads of small-town charm. Depends on whether or not we get all our errands run in time...

No big plans for Father's Day - my husband is not a father yet, and both of our dads live in MN. So probably church, lunch, napping, and calling our male parental units later on in the evening.

Yes, my life is pleasantly routine right now. Not too shabby...

On inflated egos

2009-06-18T14:34:00.002-05:00

This afternoon I was sitting in my office, trying to get the multiple piles on my desk organized, when the phone rang. Our secretary had stepped out to run an errand, so I picked it up. This is the conversation that ensued:

Caller: Is Pastor ______ there?

Me: No, today is his day off. Can I take a message?

Caller: No, I'm in town and would like to meet him for coffee. Do you know what he's doing tomorrow?

Me: I'm sorry, I don't have his schedule for tomorrow. I can take a message and have our secretary call you back when she returns to her desk.

Caller: This is _____________. Do you know who I am?

Me: I'm sorry - I don't believe we've met.

Caller: That's interesting - I've been at your church lots of times. Are you new there?

Me [laughing]: I've been here about three years, but I'm the children's pastor - so chances are, when you've been here, I've been upstairs.

I then added that most of us do get the "are you new here?" question from time to time because our jobs require us to be in the children's area on Sunday mornings...

Caller: Well, you should know me - our children's pastor knows everyone.

He then said he'd try to reach our pastor on his cell.

I Googled him when he hung up, and apparently he's an evangelist who works out of an office on the West Coast.

Okay...a few things:

1. I've been here about three years. If he's come as a guest speaker, it certainly hasn't been more than once a year, which would make it a total of THREE TIMES at the most that he's been here. I don't know of any guest speakers who have come here multiple times throughout the year.

2. Did I just hear him right? Was he actually scolding me for doing my job? On Sunday mornings, my #1 priority is ministering to the kids, not wandering downstairs to schmooze with the guest speaker who may be there. If my senior pastor thought it was important for me to spend time with a guest who was visiting our church, I have every confidence that he would arrange a time for us to meet, apart from a busy, hectic Sunday morning.

3. The question, "Do you know who I am?" to me, always comes across as a little egotistical - no matter how you spin it!

4. Is he really sure that his children's pastor knows everyone? I'm pretty good with names and faces - I'm kind of geeky that way - and I don't know everyone who sets foot in our church weekly, let alone people who come once a year at the most.

This is one of those "all I can do is laugh" situations that happen from time to time in ministry. Who knows? He may be a great man of God who just has a really bad phone presence. Maybe he isn't really as self-important in person as he sounds over the phone.

It just makes me remember that people who are working for the kingdom of God and crave earthly recognition sound kind of awkward when asking for it, and that I hope and pray that I never come across that way to anyone else!

As promised...

2009-06-17T14:26:00.002-05:00

From the latest batch of pictures of my niece Sophia, who just turned one year old last Saturday.

Sigh...these are the days when it's really hard to live so far away from my family...

Tell me more about...myself!

2009-06-15T12:54:00.003-05:00

Just a quick update on what I've been doing:

*Mpact Awards Night, a funeral, and our Pastors' Anniversary weekend fell in the same week. Pretty fitting kick-off for a typically busy summer...

*It is finally warming up a little bit here.

*My gorgeous niece is one year old as of Saturday - I'll post pictures as soon as her slacker father [LOL!] sends them to me...

*Our youth pastor has officially resigned - his last day will be June 28th. Wondering who my new "next door neighbor" will be, office-wise!

*Patrick is officially on the overnight shift now. His body is still adjusting, so he's still sleeping a lot when he's home.

*No kids yet, but my dog did the cutest thing the other day...

*Debating whether or not to go to see the doctor about my earache.

*So much to do, I'm overwhelmed and have no idea where to start!!!

*Signing off now...

Stereotypes are STUPID.

2009-06-11T15:08:00.003-05:00

So by now you've heard that Adam Lambert is, indeed, gay.

Many of you weren't surprised. After all, he's a musical theatre actor. So is my husband [though that is currently on the back burner for both of us in the interest of making money and getting out of debt! Not to mention God's current call on our lives has taken us away from that world. Nonetheless, being a musical theatre actor is not necessarily an indicator of a person's sexual preference, as I and many other wives of awesome, heterosexual AND godly theater guys can attest to].

But he wears "guyliner" and "manscara." So did all the men in the hair bands of the 1980s. And most of those guys were - and are - decidedly heterosexual as well. And I'm sorry, but Adam Lambert looks more like a man than Bret Michaels did at the height of his Poison fame.

The point I'm making here is that stereotypes mean...absolutely NOTHING. In this case, the person who rocks the amazing theatrical voice, leather pants, and manly makeup and nail polish turned out to be gay. But he may not have been. There was about a 50/50 chance there [and don't write him off, either - the man was surrounded by Christians during the American Idol competition...pray for him, let the seeds that were planted take root, and let the Holy Spirit do His job!].

But be honest...

*Did you ever look at a man who plays video games and assume that he was a greasy haired, pimply-faced teenager who played D&D in his mom's basement and conjured up demons to kill all the people he disliked?
Maybe he just plays games to unwind instead of watching sports on t.v.

*Did you ever look at a woman wearing nail polish and makeup, with her hair done, and assume that she only watches chick flicks?
Maybe she really prefers action movies or summer blockbusters.

*Have you ever seen a woman wearing a denim skirt with 3+ kids in tow and assumed she was a homeschooler?
Maybe she just likes denim. Hey, it IS possible!!!

*Have you ever met a Christian and assumed that s/he voted Republican on all issues?
Because the Republican party does not always speak for God, either.

*Have you ever met an artist and automatically assumed that s/he obviously must be liberal?
Talent and the love of creating really have nothing to do with one's political leanings.

Even the smaller judgments...seeing the kid on the bus reading a Harry Potter book and assuming that he's being raised by godless heathen parents...assuming that a mom is a horrible parent because her two year-old is melting down in the middle of Target...giving a guy a hard time because he couldn't care less about who won the Superbowl...or keeping your distance from a woman who isn't crazy about quilting?

We all do it. We are all guilty of judging others based on appearance, or on our own limited ideas. The college kids in my old church used to jokingly call me the "goth children's pastor," because I tend to wear a lot of black. I do not do this to be dark or to make some kind of statement. I wear black because it matches everything. Because I do not like to have to think too hard about whether what I'm wearing "works." Black is slimming. Black is professional. There are a lot of reasons [and I do usually accent it with a brighter color, and I do leave the black lipstick for drawing animal faces on kids for the Christmas play!].

Of course, their "labeling" was all in fun, and they knew very well that I wasn't goth. But it did make me think of an experiment I conducted a few times while in college and looking for a new church to attend: I would wear all black. From head to toe. I wore my makeup and my hair as "alternative" as I could get it with my limited resources [I was a poor college student, after all!]. My point was to make myself look as unapproachable as possible, to see if anyone from the church would approach me anyway. I think I attended one church out of about five where I was greeted warmly, my severe appearance ignored.

We've really got to do better than that.

A counselor a few years back at kids' camp had a huge "anarchy" tattoo on his arm, along with multiple tats all over the place. Those who talked to him found out that he had gotten most of these before he became a Christian - at least the negative ones! Laser surgery is expensive, and the blood of Jesus takes away our sins, not our body art. What if they had looked at him and said, "NO! We don't want this human coloring book interacting with our CHILDREN!"? They would have missed out on a pretty cool guy - the kids loved him. I saw him up front every night praying with his group of boys at the altar - these boys who followed him all week - and by Friday were all sporting blue bandanas on their heads just like him [we were on the "blue" color team together!].

This morning I woke up with the song "Free Your Mind" by En Vogue stuck in my head. Don't ask me why - maybe it's because I was supposed to type this very blog. The chorus goes:

Free your mind,
And the rest will follow.
Be colorblind,
Don't be so shallow.

Look beyond the appearance and at the heart. After all, that's where God looks, anyway. Underneath it all, as Dave Roever says, we're all pink.

Moved Posts...

2009-06-11T13:23:00.003-05:00

Blogging my spiritual journey from birth through now has proven to be a bit more cumbersome than I thought - trust me to take a simple writing exercise and turn it into a major project. I am such a classic Type A overachiever!! Either that or a classic procrastinator - but I truly feel that this will both add some depth to my book, as well as help me to "flush out" the stories that AREN'T important to the final project, but that I still needed to regurgitate onto my keyboard. It's an artist thing...

So, I have moved my posts to a new blog, entitled [appropriately enough], My Spiritual Journey. Because I need another blog in my life like I need a hole in my head. The difference, though, is that this blog will be done when it's done, rather than continually maintained. I just didn't want to overload my "regular" blog with this exercise, nor bury it so I couldn't find it if I needed to reference it again.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming...I have a few thoughts floating around in my brain, and I may be back soon...

Maybe leaving's not the only way to go

2009-06-07T15:46:00.004-05:00

In honor of Tony Award night...

Did the morning come too early?
Was the night not long enough?
Does a tear of hesitation fall
on everything you touch?
Well, there might just be a lesson
for the hasty heart to know:
Maybe leaving's not the only way to go.

People reach new understandings all the time -
Take another look; maybe change their mind.
People reach new understandings every day -
Tell me not to leave; I won't go away.

...and a heart without a home is such a lonesome road to hoe -
Maybe leaving's not the only way to go.

-from the musical Big River [This musical isn't up for any awards tonight - it was written in the early 1980s, just FYI!]

More processing and working through my faith issues. This whole "partial fast" has been raising more questions than it's helping me to answer. As my husband said, maybe the answers will come at the end.

Two more weeks.

I am discovering that the more I talk to God, the more denominationally confused I become. In other words, the closer I get to my Creator - my Lord and Savior - the further removed I am from "THE CHURCH." Considering I get my paycheck from a church, is that a bad thing?

Don't get me wrong - I'm not quitting. I'm not leaving the ministry or my church. I am just trying to restructure my life within the parameters of God's grace and HIS plan for my life - not what other people think it should be. I really think it will make me better at being all the things I am: child of God, wife, pastor, yada, yada, yada [read my complete profile].

Part of my process is going to include blogging my spiritual journey here for as long as it takes. There are a number of reasons I am doing this:

1. To help me understand myself a little more - to reflect on where I've been and where I'm going spiritually, and to grow even more confident in the woman of God I am becoming [and yes, at age 32, I am still becoming her!].

2. To have something in black and white that I can give my children someday to help THEM understand me - and perhaps to understand themselves as well.

3. To help "flesh out" a book I am working on. It's a work of fiction, but it is based on my own life and spiritual journey, and I am stuck right now. I have been stalling on it - in writing, it is much easier to procrastinate than to press on through writer's block, and since I have no official deadline, I have fallen victim to the nasty procrastination monster. No more! So this is a self-mandated writing assignment - because I no longer have professors to do it for me.

Apologies to anyone reading this blog if you think it has shaped up to be a jumbled page of thoughts. Welcome to my brain!

Please do not feel like this is a highly personal subject that must be skipped. It is here to be read! Since I may include pieces of this in my own writing that will hopefully be accepted by a publisher, let me know if you need me to clarify things.

Enjoy!

Where I come from, we're all a little Lutheran...

2009-06-05T20:30:00.002-05:00

I grew up in Minnesota, a state that was settled by a bunch of hard-headed German and Scandinavian Lutherans.

Most of the churches there of other denominations are filled with former Lutherans. Or former Catholics who migrated from churches that were populated with former Lutherans.

In other words, we can all somewhat trace our heritage to Martin Luther and the 95 Theses - in more than just a vague, "We're all Protestants" kind of way. A vast majority of my generation is not familiar with the old hymns of the faith. I know all the verses. In fact, for one of my assignments in my Christian school, I had to memorize all the verses of: O For a Thousand Tongues; Crown Him with Many Crowns; The Old Rugged Cross; and All Hail the Power of Jesus' Name.

I was in third grade.

We grew up singing at least one or two hymns in Sunday morning church along with the praise choruses. There was somewhat of a liturgy that we followed in our services. Of course we left room for the Holy Spirit to move - we were Pentecostal!

But there was an order:

*Opening chorus or hymn
*Welcome
*More "upbeat" songs
*Transitional hymn
*Slow song(s)
*Elders of the church came forward to pray for people
*Offering [usually with special music]
*Sermon
*Response to sermon
*Dismissal

Just by sitting in church and listening each Sunday, I learned:

Is anyone of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. Is any one of you sick? He should call forth the elders of the church to pray for him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.

On Communion Sunday, I learned the verses from I Corinthians about the Lord's Supper - why we take it, how we should take it, and how we should examine ourselves. I also learned:

We believe in open communion in this church. You do not need to be a member of our church to take communion; all we ask is that you are a member of the body of Christ.

It speaks volumes that, years later, I remember the order of service and the verses and quotes verbatim.

We are so afraid of ritual and liturgy; so afraid it will make us stale and "dead" in our worship. But I believe that there is value and comfort in ritual. As kids, we crave bedtime routines: a bath; getting into jammies; a bedtime snack; brushing our teeth; one last glass of water; a bedtime story; a kiss goodnight. We know that when we are sick, there is that one special food we will get to eat...Jell-O or 7-Up for an upset stomach. Ice cream for a sore throat. Without our morning routine [and this goes for adults, too!], we tend to forget things that are important.

So why do we try to separate this need for ritual when it comes to our life of worship? Why do we insist on singing only choruses that have been written in the past five years? Why are we so afraid of writing down our prayers to God [What do we think the Psalms are?] and keeping them to refer to at a later date?

The culture in which I was raised is also very stoic and blunt - very short, sweet, and to the point. When I do business with God, I tend to get it done quickly. No agonizing soul-searching at the altar; no crying for hours; no shaking; not a lot of outward show of emotion. There's nothing wrong with any of those things; they're just not me. So when I am at a prayer meeting and I finish my business with God before everyone else, without my mascara running, it does not mean that I did not hear from Him.

To me, "Pentecostal" simply says that I believe that what happened on the Day of Pentecost is still for us today. I believe that all the spiritual gifts are still in operation today. It does not mean I have to be loud or emotional in my praying and worshiping. I am not a "sucky Pentecostal" for this. This is something I have come to terms with in my church that is filled with all manner of cultures and personalities. I love multiculturalism - I want my future children to grow up realizing that there are people in this world who do not look like them, and not being afraid of that.

[This was, quite frankly, something that I had to overcome having grown up in my very white, very Scandinavian environment - and I am thankful for and excited about all the opportunities I have had to grow and meet people of all different cultures.]

At the same time, I want my future children to know that it's okay to worship God however they want - as long as they worship Him in spirit and in truth. I also want them to grow up knowing some of the great, theologically rich hymns of our faith. I want them to know the Lord's Prayer. The Apostles' Creed. The Hail Mary. Just kidding about the last one.

The two main religious affiliations of my family are:

a. Assemblies of God
b. Lutheran

I want my kids someday to be able to appreciate and embrace the rich spiritual heritage of both Wittenburg AND Azusa Street. Because our family belongs to both traditions.

And so do I.

Performance-Based Faith

2009-06-03T15:25:00.005-05:00

Our church is in I Samuel right now in our "bookmark reading," and yesterday we read chapters 4-6. 4:7 caught my eye:

"So the Philistines were afraid, for they said, 'God has come into the camp.' And they said, 'Woe to us! For such a thing has never happened before.'"

Now by this time in the story, the Philistines had encountered that strange group known as "God's people," or "the children of Israel" several times. During those incidents, there were on occasion Israelites who had, indeed, gone into the Philistines' camp. So why were they saying that they had never encountered God before?

Because...the Ark of the Covenant had never entered the camp before. My thought [and this is completely my own brain thinking out loud, so please do not base any theology on this or start a cult around it or anything!] is that these idol-worshiping people assumed that the ark WAS the Israelites' god. The thought of worshiping something that was not a tangible object was completely foreign to them, so their assumption was that this powerful God that they had heard so much about - the one who had parted the Red Sea and brought his people out of Egypt HAD to be literally contained inside this golden box.

They were wrong, much to the Israelite's dismay. God was not in the box, and that was proven when the Israelites were soundly defeated in that battle.

All these years later, God still does not live in a box. And neither do we.

It's a strange sort of mystery that when we take God out of the box that we try to keep him in, we free ourselves from our own box, too.

I am not too crazy about the childhood song...

Oh, be careful little ears [eyes, hands, mouth] what you hear [see, do, say],
Oh, be careful little ears [eyes, hands, mouth] what you hear [see, do, say],
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh, be careful little ears [eyes, hands, mouth] what you hear [see, do, say].

Not that I don't think it's important to pay attention to our conduct. I do not believe that our freedom from the law gives us license to live as though Jesus dying on the cross did not matter.

I just feel like that song perpetuates a performance-based faith in Christ. And the truth is, according to the Bible, apart from God we can do nothing. Our own righteousness is like filthy rags in God's sight. It is by grace through faith that we are saved - not works!

If we look for bad in the world, we are going to find it. If we are constantly looking out for every evil - real or imagined - we can find a reason to condemn anything. We can pat ourselves on the back all we want for following a formula or pattern that will make us feel more Christian.

But that type of behavior - just as much as living lawlessly - is living as though Jesus dying on the cross did not matter. If it were all about following a prescribed set of rules and regulations that happened to work successfully for one person or family, then why did we need a Savior?

And the world, just like the Philistines, sees these legalistic boxes and assumes that they are what God is all about. And they are afraid of him. Instead of running TO God, they try to run as far away from him as they possibly can.

To me, that is not winning.

My goals on this earth are:

1. To love God and follow what he has planned for me.
2. To find joy in this world that he has created.
3. To "ooze" God wherever I go so that he is irresistable to people.

[And yes, I realize that some people will reject God no matter what they see in me. But again - I am free from worrying about that if I have followed God and done what he wanted!]

Anything that does not fit into those three goals must be filtered out and discarded. Perhaps this seems a bit simplistic to you - you may be thinking, "It has to be more complicated than that."

That's what the Pharisees thought, too.

Failure or opportunity?

2009-05-27T14:56:00.004-05:00

So this week the nursery ministry was taken out from under the umbrella of children's ministries and put underneath women's ministries.

Any other children's pastor would be doing the Meposian Dance of Joy [Come on, wasn't anyone a fan of "Perfect Strangers" besides me?!?!?] upon receiving this news, but trust me to go all emo over it!

The reasoning is that women/moms are better at reaching women/moms. Obviously, me being the children's pastor, it is physically impossible for me to be in two places at once on a Sunday morning. My husband was doing the bulk of the work, but the ladies just weren't responding to him at all. In fact, they were pretty much blowing him off when he tried to talk to them. He said if he called and a husband answered the phone, he felt like the guy was about to reach through the phone and beat him up for daring to call his wife. It just plain wasn't working.

My SP and his wife attended a panel discussion of pastors at District Council, where they were encouraged to get their women's ministry department involved in the nursery ministry. My SP has always felt that this ministry is more of a ministry to moms than to children and that it really should be under women's ministry, anyway - so they made the decision to appoint one of the women's ministry committee leaders as the nursery coordinator and to take it out from the umbrella of children's ministry.

All the right things were said and we left the meeting smiling and positive - I even joked about how this is one of those cases where I can get behind my senior pastor and support him 150%.

But then...the dust settled. And I started feeling like I failed. Like there was something else I could have done to hang onto this ministry. Which is stupid, because it wasn't even something I wanted.

The thing is, though, I didn't excel at it. And it bugs the heck out of me. I am one of those people for whom most things come easily. For the most part, I am extremely good at everything that I set out to do.

[Except math - and it always bugged me that I got straight A's in everything BUT math, which I barely passed!]

And then there's the issue of, "Is my boss disappointed in me?" I mean - it cannot look good for a staff member to have something taken away and delegated to someone else who can do it better. Something that is supposed to have been my responsibility. Something that I am being PAID to do is now being handed to a volunteer. It just doesn't come across as professional - not to me, at least.

I know I'm being hard on myself. I know that God created different people to excel in different areas, and that maybe the person who has been assigned this job is someone that He wanted in that position in the first place. All things work together for good, and all that jazz.

I just wish I could have done a better job with it. I wish that people weren't so wrapped up in stereotypical thinking that they didn't think my husband was the right person for the job, or that they didn't really have to respond to him or do what was expected - simply because he's male [Apparently, men are not nurturers. None of them. And all women are!]. I wish that I could be taken more seriously, despite the fact that I don't have children yet.

I wish this didn't bug me so much.

And yet...it is a mixed blessing, because now I have more time to focus on making preschool and kids' ministry the absolute best it can be. I'm not devoting half my time to cold calling and begging people that I barely know to take a turn in the nursery - and neither is my husband. I can now really make kids' ministry take off.

And over time, I hope that this "failure" starts to feel more like an opportunity.

A Certain Children's Worker

2009-05-26T09:55:00.002-05:00

This is from an e-mail that I sent out to all my children's workers today - thought I'd post it here as an encouragement to any of you who work with kids who may stop by my blog [Senior Pastors - feel free to pass this on to your children's ministry directors/children's pastors/volunteers].

Judges 9:53:

"But a certain woman dropped an upper millstone on Abimelech's head and crushed his skull."

No, this is not our new Trinity Kids discipline policy.

We all read the stories in the Bible and all of us want to be like Moses...Abraham...Deborah...Esther. People who have books and chapters devoted to the work they did for God. When I was a kid in my Christian school, they gave out Bible character awards, and not once did any child receive the "Certain Woman/Man" award for outstanding godly character.

But this "certain woman" was ultimately the one who brought Abimilech down, from her corner of the house.

Ministering to kids can seem like a thankless task. Most children's pastors have some kind of story about being asked by a greeter, "Are you new here?" when we venture into Big Church territory. Those of you who work in the nursery or preschool area may wonder if you are really doing God's work when you are serving goldfish crackers, changing diapers, or trying to keep the gate closed. Wednesday night teachers sometimes sacrifice being part of an adult class that sounds interesting [and sometimes a decent bedtime that night!].

But all of us, from our corner of the church, are doing a mighty work to bring the devil's kingdom down. Did you know that, statistically:

*Parents who visit the church look at the nursery as one of the main factors in deciding whether to return?

*Children who are taught from an early age that church is a place that they want to be - are more likely to remain in the church and following Jesus as they grow up?

*Ages 6-12 are the years that a child's memory retains the most [in other words, their unit verses on Wednesday nights really are sticking...for life!]?

*80% of those who know Christ say that they asked Him into their life before they turned 13?

So whoever you are...whether you are a "certain nursery worker," or a "certain Mpact teacher," or a "certain Sunday morning volunteer," know that you are a powerful instrument in the hands of an awesome God. You rock my socks off!!!!

I also want you to know that, for the month of June, Patrick and I will be doing a Daniel Fast [fruits and veggies] that will include praying for:

*All of YOU!!!

*God's direction for Trinity Kids

*More volunteers in all areas of Trinity Kids [from nursery on up!]

We invite all of you to join us for the month, a week, or even a day - in whatever type of fast that you would choose...a Daniel fast, skipping a meal, a "just water" fast...whatever God tells you to do. Also please give us any specific prayer requests that you would like covered as we pray.

Let's be those "certain children's workers" who crush the skull of the enemy from our corner of the building. Are you in?

Another AI season bites the dust!

2009-05-21T07:20:00.002-05:00

I am pretty satisfied with last night's results. Truth be told, I would have been happy had any of the Top 5 become the next American Idol.

True, Adam was the one I voted for each week - but I just do not have the time to sit and text in votes repeatedly for two hours. I think the older audience preferred Adam, and most of you who are 25 or older are probably in the same boat as me.

So the teenybopper vote won out.

Not sad - not disappointed, because both Kris and Adam performed brilliantly during the finale, and either one of them deserved the title [in my humble opinion]. I am just being realistic in recognizing the difference between me, a person who has the time to call in one vote before moving on with her evening - and a teenager with a cell phone who can sit in her [or his, but I'm guessing in Kris Allen's case it was mostly "her," lol!!!] room and text to her heart's content.

It's the times we live in - and I think both finalists have promising careers ahead of them.

Signs of healing

2009-05-18T15:01:00.003-05:00

Today, I heard a praise and worship song on the radio - one by the Newsboys from several years ago. For the life of me, I couldn't remember where I knew it from. Slowly, it began to dawn on me, "Oh, yeah - we used to sing it in church a lot."

Then I thought some more. Which church?

I tried in vain to close my eyes and picture a worship team leading us in it, tried to remember where I'd been sitting; who I'd been sitting near - to try to conjur up images of where I had been when we used to sing that particular song.

Even last year at this time, I would have remembered. I would have known exactly what day we sang it, what crisis or controversy was going on at the time, what I was going through that I was pleading with God to give me just a little more strength to deal with. I would have seen the faces of everyone around me - known which ones had me on their hate list, which ones were neutral, and which handful was actually friendly.

Today I do not know if I even sang the song in that church. It could have been the previous church. Maybe even the one before [although I don't think it had been written at that time, so I am narrowing it down to the last two!].

Maybe you're reading this thinking that I'm just getting older and not remembering everything with extra-sharp precision. But I have a freakish memory. I remember everything. There is no explanation for this weird lapse of memory other than "it's God."

To me, this is what it means for wounds to become scars. This is what it means to be free.

Edited to add: Just to be completely honest, after thinking about it for awhile, I remembered that it was, indeed, my last church in which we sang this song. It was "Your Presence" by the Newsboys. But I remembered it because:

a.) I remember having a conversation with my husband and some friends about how someone as goofy as Steve Taylor [whose music I LOVE!] can write something that "serious," too.

b.) One of the boys in our youth group, who was extremely talented vocally but also extremely shy, finally put down his clarinet and actually SANG on this song and did a fantastic job.

I still don't remember any of the "bad" stuff surrounding our singing of this song, though - just those few random thoughts :o).

Pregnancy after 30

2009-05-18T13:51:00.003-05:00

Obviously, since I am 32 years old and have not yet had kids, I will eventually fit into this category.

When I worked in a corporate sales office, I met many women who were in their mid-thirties and expecting their first baby. In fact, this was the norm. I was 23 when I started working there and one week shy of 26 when I left the company - and having kids was not even on the radar for us. By the time I was about 25-26 years old, my husband and I had gone from, "If I were to get pregnant right now, I would be SO freaked out!" to "Okay, if we found out we were expecting, it would maybe be a pleasant surprise."

The plan was always to wait until we were 30 to start trying.

People said, "Once you've been married a few years, you'll change your mind."

We didn't. The thing is, we always knew we wanted to be parents. There was no "changing of hearts" that needed to happen in us or anything like that. A friend of mine who was always very vocal about wanting a baby, when we told her a couple of years ago that we would like to start trying soon, said, "I didn't even know you two wanted kids!"

The summer we turned 30 [my husband and I are a freakish 12 days apart!], we were in financial ruin, about to lose our home, sending resumes to churches all over the country and [barely] escaping with our sanity from an ugly ministry situation. With all the transition in our lives, we didn't think it would be wise to try to reproduce just then.

So we held off for a year or so while we got our bearings. In my own mind, I think I was trying to pass up the "two and a half year" mark. That was how long we stayed at our previous church, and I figured that if nothing earth-shattering happened to us here by that point, I would consider myself "home free." If people still liked us, still wanted us there after the honeymoon was over, then I would feel free to really settle down and make this place my home - to start adding to our family. I couldn't have imagined having children in our last environment [I don't know how my SP and his wife managed!]. Perhaps I needed to trust God more - I probably did - but I was still healing.

Which brings me to where I'm at right now. About 90 pounds overweight, buckling down with my Weight Watchers participation, trying to join the mommy club. I have heard conflicting reports about:

a.) Conceiving and giving birth when you weigh too much; and
b.) Conceiving and giving birth after 30.

It's hard not to fly into a full-on panic attack when reading some of the stats. Perhaps I should wait another year and really commit to getting this weight off. But that will make me one year older, and according to other reports I've read, create other risks.

I remember the ladies in my old office, at 35-36 years old [one of them a lot more overweight than me!], happily expecting their first bundle of joy. That was the norm for me, and I thought nothing of it. I figured if I had to wait another 10 years, that would be fine. Now that I am surrounded by people my age and younger who are having kids, I tend to forget that feeling of calm and the guilt of, "Why didn't I start trying during my 'prime' years?"

Then again, a total of four unsuccessful "official" tries should not induce that type of panic. And I really don't think it's my obligation as a Christian to birth a dozen or more babies for Jesus, despite what TLC would try to tell me.

So I come to the conclusion I always come to: I will keep doing what I do, and stop psychoanalyzing it. I will keep a cool head no matter what, and trust God to do what he does.

Ants apparently like gravy

2009-05-15T07:45:00.002-05:00

We are in a battle of epic proportions at our house.

Apparently...

dog food + gravy + a dog that eats her food very sloppily = ant infestation.

We have not fought a battle with ants since our last apartment that we left nine years ago [which was strange, because we lived on the third floor...very ambitious ants, I must say!]. In the three years that we have lived here, we have not had an ant problem. Yesterday they decided to try and scavenge some of that residual gravy for themselves.

How wrong they were!

I am the designated ant-killer in my home. My husband fell on a nest of fire ants as a kid, was bitten terribly, and to this day, breaks out into a cold sweat when he sees ants of any kind. So I drowned them in Greenworks cleaning spray, scrubbed the floor and the dog's dishes...and yet they still come. Not in droves like the first bunch, but a few stragglers that drew the short straw in the ant meeting who come to scout out the food situation in my house.

Today, we will be purchasing some Raid and spraying it all along the baseboards of our house. The ants will die. Oh, yes - they will die!

Pastors' Appreciation

2009-05-14T11:36:00.004-05:00

This seems like an untimely blog post, but for me, it's really not. Our church does the whole Pastors' Appreciation shebang in June, which is the anniversary of our pastors becoming our senior pastors [they were the youth pastors at our church for 5 years previous].

So, we had a meeting last night to plan it, and the topic of the gift from the leadership team came up. I threw out the suggestion that we come up with a budget and stick to it so that leaders don't get bombarded by, "Oh, by the way, you owe [$20-$30 more than you budgeted for] for their gift." I then stated that this was something that is necessary for me to do with my personal budget in planning for this particular weekend, and this being a recession, a lot of us are probably in the same boat.

[Don't get me wrong - I love my pastors to pieces. So does everyone else. This is why everyone tends to get carried away with the gift planning. And as much as I adore my pastors, I have to eat and pay my bills, too!!!]

I got to thinking about it, and since I had not been feeling particularly well last night, was afraid that I came across sounding a little grouchy. So today, I asked a fellow attendee of this meeting if I had come across sounding like a jerk. She assured me that I hadn't, and then proceeded to try to bait me with, "I just think it's wrong that they don't do anything for the staff pastors..."

Umm...hold on! I was not even remotely going there.

The thing is, and I explained to her, I really don't care if they make a big deal about me once a year. I would rather get a bag of coffee beans or a fresh-baked pie from someone in the church because it's a Tuesday and they just felt like blessing me, rather than, "It's the day that has been designated to appreciate you, so I am going to be fakey and buy you gifts and flowers and give you accolades and huzzahs for this one day, but revert back to treating you like crap tomorrow."

Been there, done that.

It's not about the gifts, anyway - but for the record, I am blessed constantly by church members throughout the year. Gift cards to Culver's and Starbucks. Finding bags of coffee beans sitting on my desk [yes, I like coffee, and I mentioned it in a sermon once, in which I compared the Holy Spirit to a coffee grinder, so now the people in my church are always making sure I am supplied with coffee beans!]. People who will give of their time to help us fix our car. Take care of our dog when we go out of town.

Just a few weeks ago, I was chatting with an older lady in our church about my failed attempt at growing patio tomatoes last summer.

She said, "I didn't know you two liked tomatoes."

Me: "Oh, yeah - we eat them like apples in our house!"

Her: "I'll have to remember that this summer..."

So I will probably be blessed with tomatoes this year as well. Our board also put $500 from the general fund toward a downpayment on our car - just last week! Without it, we could have still gotten a car, but it would not have been in the same league as the one we were able to get.

My point? To say that I am not appreciated or showered with gifts by the church is ludicrous. I don't care that they do not plan a day to decorate with balloons and focus on appreciating me. It's the little things throughout the year that mean more to me.

I have been in a church where the staff pastors were viewed as equal to the senior pastor. Which meant that we also got to deal with a lot of the headaches that usually go with senior pastor territory. No, thanks!

Those of you who are senior pastors and senior pastors' wives DESERVE the accolades and huzzahs, and to be showered with gifts and balloons and special dinners and the like. You deserve a special day in your honor.

And if I don't whine about how I am not the recipient of said accolades? Then no one else should, either!

For the next time you feel like complaining...

2009-05-14T06:24:00.002-05:00

Click here.

It really puts one's life and definition of happiness and contentment into perspective. A bit convicting to one like myself who struggles with discontentment [is that a word?].

And onto other topics...

KRIS AND ADAM IN THE IDOL FINALE?!?!?!?!? Talk about an upset!! I would never have predicted this - not in a million years.

That is all. For now.

On my mind today...

2009-05-07T07:49:00.003-05:00

*We have a new car!!! It'a a 1999 Malibu with 33,000 miles on it. One of our deacons helped us out tremendously by going car shopping with us [he used to sell used cars and knows something about them!], and it turned out that we did qualify for financing.

*I am absolutely in love with the new Peanut Butter Whoppers. Even if you don't like regular Whoppers [I don't!], try them. Amazing!!

*No, they are not WW friendly.

*I weigh in today and I have spent the last few days preparing myself for a horrible number on the scale.

*My mom flies in tonight for Mother's Day weekend. Yay for mommies!!!

*I forgot my checkbook again...still need to pay for her ticket to the lunch on Saturday. Good thing my PW knows where I work :o).

*Lots to do today to get ready for Sunday if I want to actually be able to spend time with my mom this weekend.

*I work for THE best pastor and the most awesome church in the universe.

*Coffee is truly a gift from God - just below salvation and the Holy Spirit...LOL!!!!

*I am dreading my upcoming battle with the church copy machine. Me + cardstock + that machine = frustration and a deep desire to use words I should not be using. Yet it must be done....

*No use postponing the inevitable...

Buh-bye!!!!!!

And yet again...

2009-05-06T11:34:00.003-05:00

...my boy Adam Lambert hit it WAY out of the park last night!

Even my husband, who has been sort of a mediocre fan of American Idol in general, watched it with me last night and agreed that Adam, by far, was the only one that he'd even consider voting for if he participated in the voting.

And SLASH as the week's mentor? Pure genius!

As soon as we heard that Danny was going to perform "Dream On," we cringed. As my husband said, "Sorry, but Steven Tyler is the only one I've ever known who can scream on pitch." And he was right.

I am absolutely amazed by the talent level this year on that show. There haven't been any really BAD performers...no Sanjayas in this bunch! At this point, I'd be happy if any of them won the show, becaue I think they're all going to get record deals and/or offers.

[Just a side note: I think Adam would make an AWESOME Jekyll/Hyde, so if any Broadway producers reading this are thinking of a revival of that show, take note!]

Edited to add: Color me surprised! I didn't think Allison was going home this week...don't get me wrong; Kris has grown on me like a fungus. I just thought he would be the one to go home this week, and that the top three would be Adam, Danny, and Allison. Hmm...

Adult Children of Divorce

2009-05-05T11:37:00.001-05:00

New post at my other blog, Plate Spinning. I'd love to see some discussion on the issue of being an adult child of divorce - I know there are lots of us out there...check it out!!!!!

Some people have too much time on their hands...

2009-05-05T09:04:00.002-05:00

To read what a fellow children's pastor once described as "a complete waste of time and Internet space," [this is what intrigued me to look at it!], look here.

I can't say that all of what the creators of Slice of Laodicea say is completely off-base. I agree that there are some churches and movements that have gotten away from the gospel message and some church services have become "motivational talks" instead of a place to worship God and hear the preaching of the Word.

On the other hand, I have seen the writers of this site deliberately take advertisements and YouTube clips of church services completely out of context and denounce them as a "circus church."

They spent a good deal of time a few months back speaking against a new church in Kenosha that sent out "pornographic" ads to all the residents of the town. As I am a resident of Kenosha, I received one of these ads. It was absolutely NOT pornographic - it did mention that they were starting a series on sex [why are we so afraid to talk about sex, anyway? I mean...an overwhelming majority of adults are having it. God created it. The devil is the one who perverted it - so in my opinion, being ashamed to even acknowledge that sex exists is giving Satan the glory! We're doing exactly what he wants us to do with gift that God has given us!]and showed a fully clothed couple looking into each other's eyes. My husband and I both agreed that, based on this ad, we would totally go and check this church out [if we were not on staff at a different church, obviously!].

So after seeing with my own eyes something that I knew was completely blown out of proportion, I started taking a lot of these accusations with a grain of salt.

Their latest "crusade"?

According to them, Carrie Prejean, the Miss USA contestant who spoke out against gay marriage is most definitely NOT representing Christ because she had the nerve to participate in the swimsuit competition and "prance around naked" on stage.

Yeah. Some people do, indeed, have too much time on their hands!!!!

The story of a car...and a life!

2009-05-04T10:12:00.004-05:00

Three years ago, we were getting ready to move to Wisconsin. Our car, a cute little Chevy Cavalier, was not doing so well. We were worried about how much longer it was going to last, and whether or not our credit rating would support our getting a new one. The weekend before we moved, we traveled up north to see Patrick's family while we still lived 3 hours from them instead of 10, and, in casual conversation, his dad asked, "Do you know anyone who needs a car?"

Patrick answered, "Yeah - us."

They were looking to get rid of their gold Chrysler LHS - nothing wrong with it, other than the fact that Patrick's mom is 4'10" tall and could not comfortably see over the dashboard. They told us to take it for a spin and see if we liked it, and we arranged a trade. The car was far from perfect, but there were fewer miles on it and it would last us longer than our old one would. We were looking for something that would last us 2-3 years while we got back on our feet financially and started our new life.

The car...the gold bomber...the rap video car...the "luxury" car, as one mechanic called it [we got a kick out of that one!] has, in fact, lasted us three years. Today, when pulling out of our parking lot, it officially breathed its last. We are in a frantic race today to secure ourselves another vehicle before tomorrow. My pastor has graciously offered us the use of the church van if we need it so that we do not have to rent one. Since Patrick is accustomed to driving large company vehicles to transport kids at his job, that will be absolutely no problem for him [he is currently on the phone with one of our deacons - a retired guy who used to sell cars and loves going car shopping!!].

It may sound crazy...but in my own brain, I have assigned spiritual significance to this. Our old car, just like our old life, needed to be put to rest immediately. We began our new life, acquired our new [to us!] car, and have spent the past three years transitioning. Now, I feel God speaking to me and telling me that the transition time needs to be put to rest as our car is put to rest, and that it is time to move up another level into what He wants to accomplish in us and through us. It's time to get out of the VA hospital and back into the fray.

And I'm believing for bigger and better things - both with the car and with our ministry/spiritual life!!!!!

Life Update

2009-05-03T20:49:00.002-05:00

It was a wonderful weekend...I was having way too much fun to blog!

We had originally planned to sneak away into Chicago for Thursday and Friday, and so we worked our tails off, cleared our schedules, and took the time off. Because of our recent car debacle (which we are still in the middle of!), we chose not to pay for a hotel room in the city, but to just take the train in for the evening and come back. We are privileged to live right at the end of the Metra line for Chicago - the station is 5 miles from our house, so we drove our sick car there, got on the train, and went into the city for dinner and a show. Having NO idea where to eat [it was weird to be in a city with which I was completely unfamiliar...kind of made me miss Minneapolis a little!], we stumbled into a Thai restaurant for chicken curry (me), Pad Thai (him) and chicken satay and potstickers (both of us!).

The show of choice? Mary Poppins! Lots of fun...it had been AGES since we saw a live, professional show, and we agreed that even though we no longer live right ON TOP of all kinds of theatre, we do live only an hour or so from it, and we really need to make a point to do it more often.

The next train going back to our station was at 12:35 a.m., so we hung out in the Citibank building [there is a food court there, with some of the places open until the last train pulls out of the station that is attached to it] as I realized that I had forgotten the necessity of wearing functional shoes when walking in the city. Did it take me only three years to not be a city girl? My feet were ACHING in a major way by the time I got home....at roughly 2:30 a.m.

Of course we were both too wired to actually sleep when we got in - we had slept a little on the train - so I spent some time reading and he did some gaming. We slept blissfully until 10:00 a.m. (me) and 11:00 a.m. (him). After a few hours of lounging around watching some TV on DVD, we mulled some of our options for how to spend the day...go see "Wolverine"? Go see a local high school play that some of our kids from church were in? Out for dinner? Running errands?

It occurred to us that everyone we knew thought we were out of town. So our executive decision was to hide from the world in our apartment - spend time just enjoying each other's company - we even ordered pizza so we didn't have to venture out for food! We really need to do more days like this...

Saturday was our event at Rinkside, a local arcade/laser tag facility, for the winning color team in our kids' church contest. I am not required to be at Saturday night prayer on days that I have an event, so we did some grocery shopping and then came home to prep for Sunday morning and relax.

Today...a typical Sunday...two services, home for some lunch, relaxing, napping, reading, watching DVR'd shows, online gaming...just shutting our brains off for awhile.

Patrick has tomorrow off, so he will be searching the classified ads, calling the police impound lot, and going online to check for cars. We will both be furiously getting the house ready for my mom to get here Thursday evening - since we got absolutely no cleaning done over the weekend.

And that's what I've been up to - enjoying the company of the love of my life!!! Yay for love!!!

I am currently watching the History Channel's "Life After People." I don't know why this series fascinates me. Cannibalistic pigs and the city of Chicago under water is a little surreal - but interesting nonetheless...

Signing off for now...

Car situation

2009-04-29T11:42:00.002-05:00

In one word: YUCK.

We took our car in yesterday, and the grand total of repairs that would need to be done on it?

&4,000.00

Since our car has over 200,000 miles on it, our mechanic advised us not to sink the $$ into it. This was a decision that we had already made, anyway - but we were really hoping it wouldn't actually come to that.

So - Patrick and Leanne are in the market for a different vehicle...pronto! When we asked how long our car would run in its current state (the transmission is going, for one!), we were told, "Could be 3 months...could be a week."

The thing is, our credit is, in a word, SUCKY. We could go through one of those companies that gives car loans to anyone (my dad called us and told us to check out 1-800-BAR-NONE), but the interest rate on those is so steep, we prefer to go through a private seller rather than try to get a loan to buy one from a dealership.

Our price range is not that high, either - so we are pretty much praying for a miracle. We have calls in to:

*My pastor - who occasionally has people calling him with cars that they would like to donate to people in the church [He told us a few months ago to let him know before starting the whole process, just in case!].

*My mom's pastor - same as above!

*My husband's uncle who lives nearby and goes to auctions a lot.

*My father-in-law, who lives in MN and goes to auctions a lot.

*My dad - my grandpa who just passed away had a 2005 [something or other] that my grandma is planning to sell. We called him first to see if he thought that would be "kosher," seeing as he's only been gone for two weeks, and he seemed to think it would be okay to call her, so...

Keep us in your prayers - we have very little $$ to invest in a car, and a 1996 with 200,000 miles and a transmission and struts that need to be replaced is not going to bring a good trade-in price. I hear stories all the time about how pastors and missionaries have cars given to them - I need one of those types of miracles now!!!!

Starting my day

2009-04-27T06:58:00.003-05:00

Okay, I think that for a NON-morning person, 7:00 a.m. is a more than reasonable time to get going with my day. I have made a commitment to myself and [more importantly!] to God to use my time more wisely by:

DAILY
**Spending time in personal devotions each day. This seems like a no-brainer, especially for a pastor - but I gotta tell you, sometimes it's HARDER for us to just plain spend time with God each day. We spend time in the Word, prepping for Sundays and Wednesday night classes; we're surrounded by Christians during the day; we talk about God and spiritual things a lot...but when it comes right down to it, just plain old personal Bible study and prayer - that is all about cultivating my relationship with God - tends to slip through the cracks. Although I've prayed; although I've read my Bible, I get to the end of the week and realize I haven't had any real "alone time" with God.

**Designating specific time each day to work on my writing. I am still determined to have a completed manuscript by the end of 2009!

**Read more. Fiction and nonfiction alike! I will never grow as a writer if I do not continue to be a reader. Besides, it's something I enjoy doing anyway...

**Exercise - at least 3x per week. I have gotten bad about this again...

**Keep up with my dishes. I hate dishes. I hate everything about it - the washing, the drying, the putting away....having a dishwasher eliminates the need to wash and dry by hand (PRAISE BE TO JESUS!!!!!), but I still have a tendency to not put the dishes away. Which results in a whole bunch of dirty dishes piling up in the sink. This makes my kitchen and my home look and feel chaotic, and contributes to the "I don't want to deal with this mess, so let's just go out/order a pizza/get Chinese takeout/whatever" attitude. This is bad for my weight loss efforts and my pocketbook. It's crazy that something as simple as a clean or messy kitchen can contribute to whether or not I eat at home, but it honestly does...

LONG-TERM
**Get my driver's license!!!! Enough already with this not having a license. Of course, this will not happen until we get our car looked at and fixed (or get it looked at and decide that we don't want to invest thousands of dollars into a 1996 car with almost 200,000 miles on it and just trade it in for a newer one! That decision will hopefully be made sometime this week...), because right now it's doing this weird, out of control "sputtering" thing, and my husband, who has 16+ years of driving experience, has difficulty controlling it. So neither of us feels comfortable with a novice like myself driving it...

**Get pregnant. Hopefully this will not be too "long term," but it is all about getting the timing right and a bunch of scientific stuff that boils down to, "have lots of sex." Again, seems like a no-brainer for a couple of young, healthy married people, but both of our jobs can be exhausting and stressful, and at the end of the day, a roll in the sheets really can seem a bit daunting. Nevertheless, it is a challenge that we are willing to pursue enthusiastically ;o).

**Bring about world peace and end global warming.

Just kidding about the last one.

New Snack Discovery

2009-04-25T17:27:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to share my newest find in the world of 100 calorie snacking (pictured above): Kudos 100 calorie bars.

I bought the variety pack that comes in Snickers, M&Ms, and chocolate chip. I have only tried the Snickers kind so far, but as they say...so far, so good!

They are only 2 points each, for those of you following the Weight Watchers plan - and for me, they are the perfect size to satisfy a chocolate craving.

They are cheaper than the WW "2 points" bars, so you get more for your money.

Just thought I'd pop in and share - back to the grindstone!!!!!!

Weighing in on Miss California

2009-04-24T07:30:00.004-05:00

Not a long post today (It's my day off...the high today is supposed to be 83 degrees, and I also want to get in some "jammie time" as well as enjoy the beautiful weather!), but I did want to make a few things clear:

1. Good for her - people who say exactly what they believe regardless of who they are saying it to have my utmost respect!!

2. Perez Hilton is known for being shocking and provocative on his blog. He has gained popularity because people read what he writes. So stop giving him hits on his blog. And quite frankly, stop talking about him with other people and making them curious about him and what else he's written, so that they'll give him the satisfaction of more hits on his blog.

3. I would encourage the Christians who are up in arms about gay marriage to take a look at their OWN marriage and make sure it's the best it can be. I am not "for" gay marriage, but the divorce rate among Christians has done a pretty good job giving marriage a black eye. How can anyone say with a straight face that they want to protect the "sanctity of marriage" when they and their spouse are constantly at each other's throats?

And that's all I have to say about that.

Fundie tolerance

2009-04-23T08:45:00.003-05:00

"HE'S NOT HER PRIEST!!!!!!!!" I yelled at the screen as I watched "A Very Duggar Wedding" for about the zillionth time. And then, turning to my husband, "Why do I watch this crap?"

He replied, "Because it's like a trainwreck - it's impossible to look away."

According to that very enlightening television special, I have learned:

*Jesus did not turn the water into wine in Cana - he turned it into grape juice.

*When a woman gets married, it is a transfer of authority from her father to her husband, and that's the way God ordained it.

*Very private matters such as your plans for conception should be worked into your wedding vows [they vowed to allow God to give them as many children as He chose to give them - sorry, people, but God doesn't float kids through the window of random people's homes. He doesn't send the stork, either!].

I do not allow myself to be bullied, intimidated, or influenced by people when I am making a decision, but my husband and I both agreed that if we were using some of the people we knew as reasons whether or not to homeschool our future children, we would run far, far away from the idea - because they have made that whole life look so unattractive to us!

Life would be easier and less complicated if I could just accept the party line. But I never have done that, and I'm not about to start, simply because I have moved into some sort of weird Fundie Disneyland! I am not speaking against my church - the people here have been loving and accepting and all that jazz. I love my pastors and am happy working here.

The culture of the area is just very different from what I am used to. We are close to Gothard's headquarters [the original ones, before he became all chummy with Indianapolis], and a plethora of other home-education friendly organizations. I have never been surrounded by so much conservatism in my life. Don't get me wrong - morally, as I have stated before on this blog, I am solidly to the "right." I am not an advocate of abortion or gay marriage.

However, I do tend to have a more egalitarian view of women and their place in the home, the church, and society. Politically/fiscally speaking, I do not always automatically think that Republican = perfect and Democrat = devil incarnate. I go to movies. I wear my hair short [although I have been growing it out a little longer, it will probably never get past my chin because I prefer my hair to not resemble a brillo pad!]. My ears are double-pierced. I am currently wearing blue nail polish and have big plans to go out and buy some in green as well. I enjoy literature of all kinds - and you can find feminist, dystopian, and other contemporary novels mixed in with my Christian fiction.

My view on the "ideal Christian life" as presented by Vision Forum [the organization of choice for a lot of the fundies in the area in which I live]? It is elitist, expensive, and completely unrealistic for the majority of the world's population. I believe that if something is God's standard, it will be accessible for everyone - from the rich CEO living in a mansion to the family with 6 children living in a mud hut in a third world country. It should be accessible for the single parent household as well as the two-parent home. Not all double-income homes exist because of vanity and covetousness.

Things like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness [the fruits of the Spirit, Galatians 5:22]? Those qualities are accessible to anyone. Shunning evil and doing what is good? Check! Loving one another as Christ has loved us? Yup.

Funny...those things are all in the Bible.

Wearing floor-length demin jumpers...homeschooling your 20 children...baking your own bread...mom not working outside the home...courting instead of dating [need I go on?]? Matters of personal preference. If that's how you want to run your family and your household and you have the means to do so, more power to ya! However, do not look down on me because it does not work for me to run mine the same way. Do not try to intimidate me into living up to some image that you are portraying, implying that I am not a godly woman for failing to live up to a standard that God has not given me.

Which brings me to the title of my post. At the end of the conversation I had with my husband last night, I said, "Well, I think that God must have called us here to teach us to coexist with fundies. And I fear that until I learn that lesson, this is where we will end up staying."

"You're probably right."

Ugh.

2009-04-21T12:32:00.002-05:00

And everything has hit me at once, like a ton of bricks.

A bunch of minor issues (minor if they were each the ONLY issue; they have become major because they've all hit me at once - a mere 72 hours after burying my grandfather, no less!) have come up.

As the song goes, "...back to life, back to reality..."

I also spent time with my mom over the weekend, who was just getting over the stomach flu, and my husband, who has been getting over bronchitis, and am feeling a bit under the weather today. Emotionally and physically.

I woke up this morning and just couldn't face the thought of being in the office. Being around other people. I still have not been able to catch a good night's sleep. I have very little voice left. So my husband told me that I should probably just call in and stay home today.

Usually it takes more arguing back and forth before I give in and decide to let my corner of the world revolve without me. Today I just nodded, and at 5:30 this morning, left messages for my pastor and church secretary and crawled back into bed. Where I stayed another 5 hours. I spent about an hour of that time reading, but other than that, I slept.

This "funk," just like all the others, will pass. I have no doubt. I am grateful that I no longer live my life in this cloud, and I know that I can face every issue that is coming at me, knocking them down one by one.

Just...not today.

Back from Minnesota

2009-04-20T09:18:00.002-05:00

It has been so long since I've had a good night's sleep, I hardly know what it feels like!!! I am in the office today, mostly because I know I was the only one who would be here today and someone needs to answer the phones (PW's in China on a missions trip; YP and secretary are both off Mondays; SP usually does not work in the office on Mondays...he does a lot of off-site meetings and hospital visitations and such!). So, being the overachiever (and former admin assistant!) that I am, I decided to drag my sorry self in. I'm drinking coffee and trying to keep my eyes from closing even as I type...

Breakdown of my week (and why I got very little sleep!):

Wednesday PM - was just getting myself a snack and settling down to watch American Idol after church when my cell phone rang. It was my dad, informing me that my grandpa had just passed away. I spent the rest of the evening trying to get ahold of my mom to let her know. My parents have been divorced for quite awhile, but they actually have a decent relationship for divorced people and my mom has stayed close to her former in-laws. My brother got ahold of her first; then I called. Then, as it turned out, my dad did end up calling her anyway.

My brain immediately clicked into gear as I started thinking about all the people I needed to call and everything I needed to cover in order to leave town. Patrick and I both called our bosses right away, but decided to save everything else until the next day.

Thursday - Spent the day in the office getting everything together for my leaders who would take over kids' church; making copies (and getting frustrated with a copier that just wasn't wanting to work!!!); and all that jazz.

Thursday evening - Patrick made some more phone calls to nursery/preschool workers; our dog sitter; and the car rental place [our ghetto fab gold bomber is acting funny, and we didn't want to break down and miss the funeral, so we opted to rent a car for the 7-hour trip]. Talked to my mom again, who had decided to come to the funeral, and so we made arrangements to meet and pick her up the following day.

Thursday PM - Since I was absolutely exhausted and had only slept four hours the night before, I thought that I would be fine taking a non-drowsy allergy pill and that it would have no effect on me. Wrong. I was up about every half hour to 45 minutes. Great way to begin a very busy, emotional weekend. By being completely crashed and braindead.

Friday AM - Headed to Minnesota. Stopped at our friend's house where we were meeting my mom. Changed and got ready for the visitation. Met my mom there; drove straight to the funeral home (relying on crappy Mapquest directions and my mom's memory from having lived there 32 years ago!).

Friday PM - Went to the visitation. Saw all my aunts, uncles, and cousins - it's strange to think that we're all grown up now, and it was THEIR kids instead of us running around causing trouble :o). Very traditional Lutheran prayer time; the message was short, sweet, and to the point, but actually very good. I was impressed. Apparently the minister wanted my grandma to introduce us because she told him I was a children's pastor...it never happened, because things were just too chaotic, as they always are during funerals!

After the visitation was over, Patrick and I treated Mom, Nate, and Kristen to dinner at the Timberlodge Steak House (Sophia was there, too, but she pretty much slept in her stroller the entire time!). Headed back to the hotel, checked in, settled into our rooms for the night. My dad is a switchboard operator at the Holiday Inn and used his family discount to get us rooms for $50 each. I do not generally sleep well my first night away from home, so again, I did not get a good night's sleep.

Saturday AM Funeral service - it was mostly family there, but since there are 6 kids, 14 grandkids, and 9 great grandkids, with everyone plus spouses and significant others, the place was pretty full!!! The 6 grandsons served as pallbearers. We headed to the graveside service [more precisely, mausoleum-side service!] and then back to the church for lunch.

Saturday afternoon/evening - The majority headed back to the house, hung out, kept my grandma company for awhile. We visited; were entertained by the babies; ate leftover funeral food; and recalled memories from all of our family dinners that we'd had there as kids. It was fun - as fun as it could be, considering the circumstances! My cousin, my sister-in-law, and I decided that we needed to plan a family reunion so we could all get together under happier circumstances!

Saturday PM - We dropped my mom back off with her friend and made the executive decision that we were too wiped to make it any further than the Twin Cities for the night. We pulled into the Radisson, where my husband got us the bereavement discount (If you didn't know, most hotels have some sort of a discount for people traveling for a funeral - you just have to ask!!) and we settled into our Sleep Number bed [I NEED one of those someday!] for the night. I slept better than I had been sleeping - but again, it was the first night in a strange place, so...

Sunday AM - Woke up. Thought about stopping in at our old SP's current church to surprise him and his family, but realized that we would end up going out to lunch and talking for hours and would not get on the road as soon as we needed to - so we opted for a quick soak in the hot tub and dip in the pool, hitting a few of our favorite stores...Borders [I know we have a Borders here in WI, but their musical theatre selection is absolutely dismal, so we like to check it out when we're in Minneapolis - it turns out all their musicals on CD were 50% off, so we stocked up!]; the Barnes and Noble Used Book Annex [the only one that I've ever seen at a B&N in my life, so again, we like to go there when we're in town!]; and the Macaroni Grill for lunch. We also picked up some white cheddar and carmel popcorn for the road from the Karmelkorn store where we worked in college.

Sunday afternoon/PM - Were on the road by 1:00 pm. Patrick listened to a bunch of his new musicals and I read one of my new books that I bought. Occasionally we conversed. I think I slept for about 1/2 hour. Got home around 7 pm; did some laundry; took the dog out; had a quick dinner; went to bed by 10:00. You'd think I would FINALLY have slept well, being back in my own bed and all. But I kept waking up throughout the night with the thought that I had forgotten to set the alarm. Apparently not concerned enough to just get up and check to make sure it was set. I do not really think that clearly when I'm sleepy!!!!

As of 6:00ish this morning, I was up and ready to start a new day and a new week. Looking forward to some "down time" this evening. I am completely NOT "On Program" with WW right now. Too much eating out...funeral food...all that jazz. But you know? Life happens. I'm over it! I do need to get back on track. But I will not fall into the trap of getting all stressed out because I did not eat perfectly the weekend my grandfather passed away.

I'm glad I went. I'm SO thankful that, financially, we are at a point where we can leave on a moment's notice without freaking out or wondering how we're going to eat for the next two weeks. I know my grandma was overjoyed in the middle of all her sadness that her entire family (including my mom and aunt, or, as I have now dubbed them, the "First Wives Club"!) was there. I am thankful that I got a chance to see my mom, my dad, and my brother and his family one extra time this year.

If I had a bed in my office, I would be 100% content right now....

Processing...

2009-04-16T09:59:00.003-05:00

At approximately 6:00 pm yesterday, my grandpa passed away.

I didn't hear the news until around 9:30 pm, since I was at church, and had left my almost-dead cell phone at home to charge - but shortly after I came home, my dad called to tell me the news.

What's going through my mind right now (Sorry if this seems a bit "stream of consciousness," but I am still processing!)...

*I'm so glad we stopped by and visited them Thanksgiving weekend, and took those pictures.

*Is someone staying with Grandma? What about after the funeral? He was doing all the cooking/grocery shopping/bill paying/everything, because out of the two of them, he was in better health.

*Is it wrong to be happy that it was a heart attack instead of the prostate cancer that got him [He went quickly - no long, drawn out battle with chemo or slowly watching him die...no jumping 10 feet in the air with my heart in my throat every time the phone rang!]?

*I have got so much to do to try and leave town...I'm trying to get Sunday morning covered by leaders, and I really hope that they will not be apathetic and will step up.

*I feel so helpless, living 7 hours away from everyone...and so pathetic for having to stay an extra day to wrap everything up before I can just go. The last time this happened (six years ago), I had so few responsibilities that all it took was placing a quick call to my boss, a trip to the kennel to board the dog, and off we went!

*Where was he with God? Did someone tell him? Did he accept? Could I have done more? Said more? My family is very stoic, German, Minnesotan Lutheran, and by nature are very private about their faith, so there's really no way of knowing for sure until I get to heaven and see for myself.

*Is it bad to bring my swimsuit and take a soak in the hot tub at the hotel after the wake is over? Is it bad that I'm actually looking forward to staying in a hotel and being free of responsibility for a few days?

*What exactly is expected of me? What are my "duties" in this? At my other grandpa's funeral, each of the grandkids got up [four of us] and said a little something, but there are WAY too many grandkids on this side to do that. Do I need to buy flowers? Make my grandma a casserole?

*Is my scattered family going to step up and do what they need to do?

Still in shock...the tears are still a little fresh...realizing that I am at the age where this is going to happen more and more. I am the age that my mom was when her grandma died. That was my first experience with a death in the family, and I remember not really understanding what it meant - only being upset that it happened on a Wednesday and that I was going to have to miss Rainbows that night.

My husband and I, between the two of us, will have to go through this four more times. I am crying for me and for all my family members - remembering all the Christmases...Easters...other family gatherings where we all crammed into their house for the mass chaos that was family dinners. Realizing that, even though it's been years since we actually did this, it's really and truly never going to happen again. I am crying for my future kids who will never know their great-grandparents on my mom's side, and now their great-grandpa on my dad's. I am wondering why the spring weather has to be so beautiful today, and marveling at how everyone seems to be able to go about their lives when mine feels like it has stopped.

I am exhausted - my brain would not shut off last night and I got only about four hours of "real" sleep. I may break out the Tylenol PM tonight.

I asked my dad if there was anything he needed me to do, and he said, "Just come." So that is going to have to be enough.

Check out the NEW BLOG!!!!

2009-04-13T14:57:00.003-05:00

I started a new blog entitled Plate Spinning, which is a more focused collection of musings on my life as a full time wife (trying to become a full time mommy!) AND full time children's pastor...it will include thoughts on life - tips for getting the most out of your day, quick and easy (and yummy!) recipes for people on the go (because how many times can we stomach Subway in one week?), and thoughts on my crazy life. Not to mention my rants on what it means to be a woman in ministry...equality, Biblical accuracy, that sort of thing.

This blog will live on for the time being - I will confine my political rants and weekly American Idol updates and other such things here.

For now, take a look at the new blog - and welcome to my world!!!

Easter is over...

2009-04-13T10:31:00.005-05:00

...and I am WIPED OUT!!!

The excitement - the anticipation - the fluttering about making preparations and making sure everything is in place for a day when even "heathens" go to church - is maddening. Besides being "up to bat" for sharing at Saturday night prayer (which was pretty cool...God actually gave me the same passage to share/expound on that my pastor was planning to preach on Sunday morning), I had to make sure everything was in order for kids' church, as well as confirm that we were playing with a full deck for early childhood workers. For some reason, Easter Sunday = LOTS OF EXTRA BABIES AND TODDLERS!!!

Turns out, we weren't (between two services, three people bailed without replacing themselves, and one had a sick daughter...and I mean sick as in vomiting four times before 8 a.m.! But my wonderful husband fixed things and recruited some people who were there. I plan on sending out huge thank-you notes to all of them this week.

Two services, and they both went well - kids accepted Christ for the first time, and those who were already Christians committed to telling someone about Him this week (like the women in the Bible did when they discovered the empty tomb). Just about every kid who is part of our kids' ministry showed up - other than the few families who were out of town.

For Easter dinner, we hung out with three other pastor friends/families - including our best friends that we served with at our last church. We were asked to bring a veggie tray and dessert, and I seized the opportunity to get some high-points foods out of my home by bringing them and leaving them (**evil laugh**). We got back home around 10:30, and of course there was the "winding down" period, so it was close to midnight before we got to bed. Back up at 6:30 a.m. to start the day.

Mondays are always my "braindead day," which is why I force myself to come into the office instead of taking it as my day off. I want to have FUN on my day off and not sleep it away, so I come in and take care of mindless things like filing (or throwing away old files, like I did today!), etc. But after Easter Sunday services...after being around lots of people (including a 5 year-old, a three year-old, and a one and a half year-old)...and getting only about 6 hours of sleep, I am really struggling to keep my eyes open right now.

In other news, everyone I know seems to be pregnant, and I'm not right now. Bronchitis (my husband, not me) really puts a damper on the whole "trying to conceive" process. But he's just about over it, and we will be resuming our efforts.

Oh...and I lost 4.2 pounds last week, earning me another "additional 5 pounds" sticker at WW. Hoping I do as well this week, but I really need to get some workouts in for that to happen...

Some things that are rewarding about ministry

2009-04-07T13:00:00.002-05:00

I feel like I blog a lot of my ministry frustrations here, but I am in such a fantastic mood right now, and feel like there are so many GOOD things happening, I thought I'd take some time to write about some of those things...

*Pictured above: Mini Easter baskets that one of my preschool volunteers made up for ALL the kids in our church. She made little bags with plastic (candy-filled) Easter eggs for the K-5th graders in kids' church; little baskets with the candy-filled eggs for the preschoolers; and little baskets with cookies and marshmallows for the kids in the toddler nursery. She called me up out of the blue a few weeks ago and said she'd like to do that - just because! I was wanting to do something special for the kids for Easter Sunday, and she saved me a TON of work...without even knowing it ;o).

*Our Mother's Day kids' choir. This was the vision of two women in our church who asked if I minded if we put together a group of kids to sing for Mother's Day - with the possibility of developing a regular kids' choir. It is spectacular because the two women heading it up were in our Christmas play, along with their families, and really caught the vision of doing more things like this throughout the year. It wasn't something I had to suggest, or recruit, or cajole, or call in favors...it was just two musically talented moms who got together and decided to use their gifts.

*New kids' church series - "Mission Possible Spy Academy." We are using a spy theme to teach the kids about serving in the church, and have created trading cards of each ministry leader that the kids will receive each week to get "autographed." Certain leaders each week will be planted with bags of candy to hand out if a kid approaches them. This has gone over really well - and is making my senior pastors very happy with me.

*Parents who call me up to chat for close to 1/2 hour about how much their kids love coming on Sundays, and how they may postpone a family trip so they can attend an activity that's coming up!!!

*Listening to a group of 30+ kids sing "Mighty To Save" at the top of their lungs, and looking out and knowing that they totally "get" what they are singing.

*A dedicated husband who shows up to minister with me on a Sunday, even when he is sicker than a dog (we found out later that it was bronchitis...hope he didn't pass it on to a kid, lol!!), and I am practically begging him to stay home. Just because he knows I need the help and support.

*In a recession, being able to do what I love and am called to do - and get paid for it!!! I am finding this to be more and more rare as I talk to people.

*Two words: housing allowance!!!

I could go on - and make no mistake, ministry is not all "flowers and sausages." [That's a reference from "Wife Swap." There was a bratty kid who didn't want to obey the rules, and yelled at the swapped mom, "You just think life is all flowers and sausages!!!" I laughed so hard at such a weird analogy and vowed to use it in my everyday conversation as much as possible!]

There are frustrations. There are occasionally people that I want to club over the head with the nearest blunt object, instead of loving them the way Christ would want me to love them.

But the great thing about ministry is that it has its ups and downs. While the "ups" may not last, the "downs" don't, either. It's moments like these that we need to put on record, so that we can look at them during our "down" moments and remember just why we signed up for this crazy life.

It's been awhile...

2009-04-04T08:41:00.002-05:00

I've been insanely busy...

*Creating "spy kits" to be ready for tomorrow - first day of our new series in kids' church!

*Creating payment booklets for kids' camp - I am trying something new this year and breaking up the payments into $12 weekly payments/savings to make it feel less overwhelming to the parents. Hoping to snag a few more kids this year!!

*Getting back into the "working out" groove. I am SO sore from my DDR workout yesterday...thinking about taking a walk today instead ;o).

*Taking care of a sick husband. He has been sick with bronchitis all week!!!

These things, believe it or not, take up a TON of time. So...hopefully this week I will have time for more profound blogs. But being Easter week, and me being on staff at a church, don't hold your breath. Just be pleasantly surprised if something shows up!!!!

The wonders of a flat-iron...and other random thoughts

2009-03-31T15:08:00.002-05:00

*I cannot believe the reaction I've gotten simply from using a flat iron on my hair.

*Flat-ironing may prove to be an exercise in futility with all this rain!

*I am at the point in my day where my brain has officially shut itself OFF. I did, however, get a lot accomplished today, so that's a good thing.

*Very excited for my new series coming up - Mission Possible Spy Academy.

*I took the test on Facebook to determine what my calling is in the local church, and apparently I should be a janitor/groundskeeper, not a children's pastor. I think the test is off a little bit...

*American Idol is on tonight. YAY!!!

*I have 18 points left to eat today, and my dinner I have planned is only five. Six tops! What to do?

*Rainy days drain me of all energy. I am not depressed at all; just exhausted and lethargic.

*On that note, I may save my workout for tomorrow morning and just veg this evening.

*My pastor's wife has mini candy bars in her candy dish. Vile temptress!!!

*Signing off now - brain...too...incoherent...need...sleep...now...

Success at last!!

2009-03-30T14:07:00.003-05:00

When it comes to any type of sewing, I am pretty much hopeless. Seriously. Home Ec class was the bane of my existence (and being a student at a tiny Christian school, it was not an optional elective - we all had to take everything, and our classes were based on which parents were available to teach whatever it was that they were teaching!). I would never complete my work in class, and would then have to take it home to work on it, spending hours crying over my mom's sewing machine - and I think the one time I slipped and used profanity in front of my parents was during one of these sessions.

Still, there has always been a part of me that wanted to learn how to crochet. For several reasons:

1. It's one of a few skills in my family that have been passed down from generation to generation, and I really didn't want to see it die with me [at least in my family - I realize that other families crochet, too!]

2. This is something my grandma (sort of!) taught me to do when I was about ten years old. One weekend at her house, I managed to make a doll-sized scarf, which I gave to my younger brother for (Christmas? His birthday?) for his favorite stuffed animal to wear. So when I crochet, it helps me to remember her.

3. It makes me feel more productive when I watch t.v. if I am actually DOING something.

4. Very cheap gifts!

5. When I am stressed out, it helps to have a short-term project that I can begin and end in the same evening.

So...for all these reasons, I have been trying to "relearn" to crochet, but I kept doing something wrong that would make whatever I was doing completely lopsided and weird-looking. The other day, my husband and I found an instruction book that came with five different sized needles - so we bought it, along with some yarn, and I decided to tackle it again.

After many attempts, I finally figured out what I was doing wrong, turned to one of the "beginner" projects in the book, and created:

A cell phone case! I made enough room for some cash and my check card so that if I am out shopping or walking, I do not need to carry a big bulky purse or wear a jacket and keep things in my pockets.

I am actually quite thrilled with my creation. I am working on one more cell phone case for practice; then I think I will tackle a set of coasters. And work my way up from there.

Never fear, my egalitarian friends - I am still light years away from donning a denim jumper and growing my own vegetables, and sewing machines still frighten me. But I am darn thrilled with my very first completed crocheted masterpiece!!!

Mosaic Meme

2009-03-30T13:35:00.002-05:00

The rules:

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd’s mosaic maker.

1. What is your first name? Leanne
2. What is your favorite food? pasta
3. What high school did you go to? Virginia High School (Northern MN)
4. What is your favorite color? green
5. Who is your celebrity crush? Adam Pascal (Psychologically because he looks like my husband - seriously, once my husband gets down to his goal weight, the two of them will be TWINS!!)
6. Favorite drink? coffee
7. Dream vacation? Europe
8. Favorite dessert? cheesecake
9. What you want to be when you grow up? debt-free
10. What do you love most in life? Jesus
11. One Word to describe you. nerdy (in a good way!)
12. Your flickr name. (If you don't have a flickr account, just use some screen name you have) puppetmaster

Let me know if you do one (and post it) so I can see how it came out.

Why Danny Gokey is not my #1 pick

2009-03-28T17:18:00.002-05:00

Being a Christian...living 45 minutes from Milwaukee...working in a Christian environment...surrounded by other Christians who are fellow Idol fans, it seems that I have been expected to root for Danny Gokey each week. Especially when the evening news on the Milwaukee stations (I live halfway between Chicago and Milwaukee, so I get the "Big Three" networks on my t.v. twice, just with different newscasters and slightly different lineups!) does not seem to be complete without coverage of Danny.

"Up next, a close and personal look at Danny Gokey's..."

...church
...home
...elementary school
...best friend
...dog
...best friend's dog

You get the picture. So when I talk to people and they ask me my #1 pick (and each week so far, it's been unequivocally Adam Lambert - I absolutely loved his cover of "Ring of Fire," for the record, and I think Johnny Cash would have been proud, too, the old coot!), they are surprised and say, "Didn't you know that Danny Gokey is from around here?" or "But Danny Gokey is a Christian!"

So are a few others, if I recall correctly.

I'm not saying I don't like the man. I'm not saying he's a bad singer. I think he's doing a great job just plain concentrating on the competition and not trying to court sympathy votes by milking the "my wife died four weeks before auditions" angle week after week. I think it takes tremendous strength for him to be doing what he's doing in the face of a tragedy like that - I would like to say I'd have what it takes to do the same, but truth is, you may still find me barely functioning at that point in the game if something were to ever happen to my husband.

I think he has awesome character. I think it's great that we'll be singing together at God's throne for all of eternity - I can't wait [although if Danny doesn't mind, I think I would like to save the seat next to me for Bono!].

But ultimately? American Idol is not "America's Most Awesomest Christian." It is not "Show your hometown pride by voting for the person who lives closest to you." It is a singing competition, in which average Joes and Janes like myself get to call in and vote for the person we think did the best job. Or the person we want to see continue in the competition, even if they had an "off" night that particular week.

So far, for me, that person has been Adam Lambert. I admit that I was a little bit biased toward him from the beginning when I found out that he is a musical theatre actor. I highly admire and am attracted to guys who love musical theatre and aren't afraid to admit it (obviously...I married one!!!). But his voice continues to blow me away week after week. And so - unless the President is giving a speech on Tuesday night and Idol moves to a Wed/Thurs format - he is who I vote for week after week.

And seriously? This is just a singing competition, not a general election [my November votes stay private, anyway!]. It's all in good fun. Most of the top 10 performers will end up with record deals, anyway. Some of them even win Oscars.

In other words, there's really not that much at stake here.

And if you take it that seriously, I know a soap opera character who's really going through a tough time right now and could really use your prayer!

We interrupt this blog to report...

2009-03-26T10:25:00.003-05:00

...that my boy Adam Lambert hit it out of the park AGAIN!!!!!

My husband is starting to make jokes about how he needs to change his name to Adam. I was already a huge fan of Adam Pascal (Roger in the original Broadway production AND the movie version of Rent, not to mention several other Broadway musicals!).

I really hate it when the performance shows are on Wednesdays, though - because then I can't vote! President Obama needs to get in touch with what the American people want, and that is for him to NOT give speeches on Tuesday nights. And I do perform my civic duty and vote in "real" elections, so I feel I am perfectly within my rights as an American citizen to say that.

That is all. Carry on with the rest of your day!

Truth

2009-03-26T08:41:00.004-05:00

"A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner." I Timothy 2:11-14

Last night in Girls Only class, we started our unit on Truth. Part of the lesson emphasized looking at the principle behind an instruction in a verse, rather than assuming that:

a. Because we do not all own goats or oxen, some of these verses have absolutely no value in our lives; or

b. We must follow these instructions down to the letter.

Example: There is a verse in Deuteronomy that states that one must build a parapet, or a fence, around the top of their roof so that their friends and neighbors don't get hurt. Since we don't entertain on our roofs in our society, we obviously do not need to do this...BUT the principle is to make sure that our guests are free from harm when they enter our home. And that DOES still apply today!

We also talked about the verses in I Timothy about modesty, and how they do not literally mean that a woman who braids her hair or wears jewelry is sinning. The principle of that verse is that women must dress modestly (and in that particular culture, only the prostitutes braided their hair or wore a lot of jewelry!).

Just for kicks, I threw in the next verse about women being silent.

I asked the girls (Remember, these are senior high students!), "So am I sinning by being a pastor?"

Blank stares.

"Seriously - according to this verse, am I sinning?"

One girl (the daughter of a hard-core homeschooling family) answered, "Well, no, because you submit to Pastor Tim and he's a male..."

I said, "Okay, because he is my boss and spiritual authority [although I did also point out that the Bible tells wives to submit to their husbands - not all women to submit to all men!], that much is true."

I then asked, "So what if the pastor goes on vacation and tells me that I'm preaching on a Sunday morning? Am I sinning then?"

I truly blew their little minds. The homeschooler answered, "Wow...I really don't know what to think about that..."

Because on one hand, he is my boss and spiritual authority. On the other hand, when I preach in "big church," I am preaching to men. Obviously, my pastor does not have a problem with this because I have filled the pulpit for him on a few occasions, and I lead the devotional/Scripture reading at Saturday night prayer (in mixed company - gasp!) on a regular basis.

I then decided, before the girls had an aneurism, to explain what many scholars believe is the cultural context behind these verses (taken from J. Lee Grady's Ten Lies the Church Tells Women.). That the Gnostics were teaching a false doctrine that women should be exalted and worshipped because Eve brought knowledge and enlightenment - not sin - into the world. And then there was that whole other story about Adam's first wife Lilith...

So Paul was correcting the teaching by clarifying, "No - you're wrong. Women should not be exalted over men, so be quiet and stop teaching and believing this lie! Adam was formed first...then Eve. And she did not bring knowledge and enlightenment; she was deceived and brought sin into the world."

The "learn in silence with all submission" was more of an instruction on proper conduct in church (Listen to what is being taught and don't constantly interrupt to ask your husband what it means!).

I did clarify that this is how some scholars interpret these verses - and that I was just throwing it out to give them something to think about. Hopefully I won't get in trouble...LOL!!!!

I do believe that the Bible is a source of absolute truth and is still alive and relevant for us today. However, the truth lies in the principles and the spirit behind the words. There are some cultures for whom Psalm 23 has no meaning, because their country is completely devoid of sheep. They have no idea what the significance is of the Lord being our shepherd. So missionaries/translators have taken similar roles in that society and applied those characteristics to Jesus. Same principle - the Lord protects us - put into words that a culture can understand.

The truth of the Bible was written for all of us and is applicable forever and ever. But the actual stories and laws were written for very specific cultures, and so to understand the meaning behind these laws - to really grasp the truth of what is being said, it is important to look at them in that light.

Going back to the roof illustration, it would be meaningless for me to follow the letter of that law. Why on earth would I build a parapet around my roof [I rent, for one thing, so my apartment management would probably be pretty ticked!]? However, I can make sure that when people enter my apartment, they are not tripping over things and hurting themselves. If there are people coming over who are afraid of large dogs, then Cubby will just have to hang out in the bedroom for awhile. It's about being courteous and hospitable, not literally building a fence on your roof!

In a world that is becoming increasingly morally relative (almost morally ambiguous!), it is so important to know the truth. Not just what you think might be the truth - but what IS the truth! The Bible does contain the answers on how to conduct our lives - even down to the tiniest detail.

I read a quote once that said [disclaimer: I do not remember who said it, or the exact wording!], "Isn't it strange that in our country, we have 300+ laws on the books simply to enforce 10 commandments?"

Everything we need is in there - sometimes we just need to take the time and look for it!

Making our home

2009-03-24T10:38:00.003-05:00

This weekend, we got our state tax return.

We had pre-decided to spend our state return on some things that we needed/wanted to replace (as well as a few "extras") and put the federal return in savings. The two main things we replaced (as pictured above!) were our bedding and our television.

We have always had cheap bedding. As in sample-sale or discount shelf at Walmart, 200 or less thread count sheets bedding cheap. I'm not complaining, because I am fully aware of the fact that there are people out there who do not have a home, much less good quality bedding! It was not a status thing in the slightest; more like a practical thing. I want my stuff to last. And last. And last. I figured that, in the long run, it would be more cost effective to pay more in the first place than to constantly be replacing frayed, worn out sheets and comforters and pillows. We just never had the money to invest in that.

Because God is awesome, and because He provided good jobs and a fantastic church for us, and because of a whole bunch of other factors that I, not being a CPA, do not fully understand - this time, we did have enough for it.

We also replaced our television set, which was the cheapest one we could find at Target when we got married 10.5 years ago, and which was so fuzzy, you could hardly even see anything anymore.

I say all this not to brag - in fact, in this economy, I am reluctant to loudly advertise that we even purchased this stuff. We have friends and family members who have lost jobs and are barely scraping by, so out of respect for them, we have chosen to just quietly enjoy what God has blessed us with.

The most exciting part of the weekend, though, was not even the "stuff." It was getting to go shopping with my favorite shopping buddy of all time: my husband.

Yes, you heard me right. I am one of those fortunate females who does not have to manipulate, cajole, twist arms, or promise countless favors to my spouse to get him to go shopping with me. Even for "girly" stuff like clothes, shoes, and makeup. Being a theatre guy (and although we have the same college degree, he has tons more actual experience than me!), he is great at helping me pick out exactly what will make me look the best. And being a theatre girl and an avid student of Stacey and Clinton, I am great at helping him pick out clothes.

We both enjoy picking out things for our home - our philosophy is that since we both live there, our home should reflect the fact that both of us live there. Several sets of bedding this past weekend were vetoed for being either "too girly" or "too masculine." We want our home to reflect us. Not just me. Not just him.

Which, of course, got me thinking about who makes a home. The title "homemaker" is typically given to a woman who chooses to be a stay-at-home wife or mom. While this is an awesome and commendable occupation for anyone, I really do feel like it's a lot of pressure to put on one person. That one member of the household is responsible for "making the home"?

Maybe it's just my crazy egalitarian ways, but isn't every member of a household responsible for making a house a home? Being the person in the household who has the ability to cook better meals, or being the resident neat freak, does not necessarily make that person the "homemaker."

The Bible tells us in Titus 2 to "teach the young women to be keepers of their home..." There's no getting around that. I just happen to be one of those people who believes that there is nothing in that verse that negates the husband's responsibility to contribute toward the keeping of the home.

To me, a home is made up of individuals all doing their part, according to their gifts, to make the household run smoothly and peacefully. Our home is not one of radical "role reversal," in which I do all the heavy lifting and fixing and my husband assumes all the domestic responsibility - not by a long shot!!! It is one in which we do what we are best at.

If I were to be assigned the job of doing the family finances, our home would not be a peaceful place. If I were the one responsible for sewing and mending, our home would not be a peaceful place [the sewing machine in our home belongs to my husband, and I am more than happy to delegate it to him and him only - sewing machines make me CRY!!!!]. I am better at throwing together quick meals, so I generally do the day-to-day cooking. My husband, however, is way better at baking, and enjoys it more than I do - so he usually makes the putzy "bake sale worthy" types of things.

I could go on...and I am, by no means, putting my marriage on a pedestal and saying "this is how everyone should do it." There are so many ways to run a household in a way that honors God and puts Him at the center of it.

A home should be a place that people want to come back to - or else it's not really a home. It's just a house. And it takes the cooperation of all members of a household - husband, wife, kids, even pets! - to make it a home.

More on Weight Loss

2009-03-20T08:20:00.003-05:00

(Us with some friends of ours as a conference last spring)

I have gained back EXACTLY 100% of all the weight I lost. To the decimal point, even. I weighed in at my October 2007 starting weight. My husband was past his starting weight, but he has still lost since the beginning of 2009 (if that makes any sense to you!).

So...we're starting over, and we are motivated! The first thing we are doing is (and this is where the big announcement comes in!)...we have decided to...

GIVE OUR POUNDS TO BGMC!!!!!

Can you tell we're children's pastors or what? But we talked about this on the way home from our WW meeting last night, and decided for the next 3-month period (so it will end on Thursday, June 18th), we are taking pledges from our friends and family per pound that we lose.

We will update everyone with a weekly loss and a running total - anyone pledging can pay by the week or pay it all in one lump sum. If we gain, that will not be counted against the total; you just pay nothing for that week.

If you would like to pledge, you can do it two ways?

1. A specific amount ($.25, for example!) per pound lost between the two of us.
2. A flat amount ($25 at the end of the 3-month period if we have lost any amount).

For those of you who do not know, BGMC is an organization for kids to raise money to help missionaries all over the world. But they do not just buy kids' ministry supplies like puppets, sound systems, etc. They also meet critical needs, such as food and clothing, rebuilding homes and orphanages in storm-devastated areas, and drilling for clean drinking water in communities that need it. For more information, click here.

All funds raised will be given through our church - but please know that this is NOT an event sponsored by our church. This is just my husband and me coming up with a creative way to give to a very worthy cause and help motivate ourselves to stick with the program this time around!

Feel free to pass this on to anyone you think would be interested in helping us out.

WW-Bound...again

2009-03-19T13:40:00.002-05:00

Well, we tried to do it on our own...and failed miserably!

Apparently we need the incentive of paying someone money to step on their scale in order to keep us accountable and keep our eating under control.

I have done some research and also discovered that one's weight is related to how successful they are at conceiving (true for both males AND females!). You'd think that would have been enough to motivate me to take these pounds off...but alas! The pull of a gooey, cheesy pizza, with a huge slice of pie and ginormous scoop of ice cream for dessert, on some days, is stronger than my desire to get knocked up.

Makes sense, I guess. For me, a baby is still an abstract concept in my mind. My hunger? Food? Great tasting high fat/calorie stuff that is so much more attractive than carrot sticks? Still very much a present, concrete reality!!!

Besides, even if I were to conceive at my weight (I am pretty sure I am starting over at this point...my eating has been atrocious and exercise nonexistent!), the health problems that would abound would be numerous. High blood pressure. Gestational diabetes. Bed rest (which I just plain don't have time for, lol - if it happens, it happens, but I want to do everything in my power prior to conception to prevent it!).

So - I think we're going to head back there this evening. At least that's what we talked about yesterday. We have the option of the Thursday evening or the Saturday morning meetings in our schedule, and we like the Thursday evening leader much better!!!

[Seriously? I weighed in on a Saturday once and had a +1 gain. I was totally expecting it, even though I had done everything right, because it was that time of month. I always gain that week.

So she asks me (remember, I barely know this woman!), "How have you been?"

I answer, "Great!"

She looks at me skeptically, "How has your eating been, though?"

"Fine."

Again with "The Look."

At this point, I am pretty much stuck telling a complete stranger that yes, my eating has been fine this week, but this is the time of the month that I typically gain. Like it's her business...

She then counters with, "Well, if you're not upset, then I'm not upset."

I walk away thinking, Look, lady, I don't pay you to get upset!

And that's why we don't like the Saturday meetings.]

Life really would be much easier if the foods that were bad for us didn't taste so darn good. If a slab of cheesecake repulsed me. If I craved carrot sticks instead of buttery pasta sprinkled with parmesan cheese.

Or...if I just planned ahead more and became better friends with my crockpot, so that I didn't end up eating out so much.

I need some ideas for exercising, too - something that my husband and I can do together (he has a bad knee; he snapped his quadricep tendon three years ago - so nothing high-impact, please!!!).

Signing off to make peace with facing my doom...

I got through!!!!

2009-03-18T08:18:00.003-05:00

I have never, ever, ever been able to actually get through to vote for who I think needs to stay on American Idol. Except last night. I couldn't believe it - I was jumping up and down like a lunatic (It helps that I was in a super good mood last night because it was 72 degrees all day long, and for a few other reasons that I cannot yet discuss on a public blog). My husband even gave me a high five.

You probably don't have to guess who I voted for **grin**. I thought that he, Alexis, and Anoop were the best last night. Because all three of them were creative in their renditions of classic country songs. I refused to vote for anyone who sang something by Carrie Underwood, just because I think it's tacky to sing songs by a former Idol winner. So...not that Danny and Matt didn't do a fantastic job, but they both sang extremely overplayed Carrie Underwood songs and I was kind of bored.

And ultimately, I want Adam to stay in the competition.

Signing off for now to hunt down a cup of coffee and start my day. I also love Wednesdays, because I don't have to be in the office quite as early as I do other days. With apologies to Snow White..."Someday, my car will come..."

My pro-life journey

2009-03-16T10:01:00.002-05:00

As the current administration makes strides in undoing the work of the previous administration in virtually every area [gotta love politics!], I have started to reflect a little bit and think about my own views on some of these issues.

While some political issues are, to me, a matter of preference and point of view and not necessarily moral (I'm sorry, but I don't see teachers' unions, arts funding, or library referendums specifically outline in Scripture!), others are, in fact, moral issues. This is why I vote individuals - not parties. In my home state of Minnesota, the governor who was responsible for implementing parental consent laws and was fiercely pro-life...was a Democrat. His successor, a Republican, was pro-choice. [I am still torn on the merits of "one issue voting," but since this blog is about my own personal journey to the pro-life views and opinions that I hold, I use that issue as an example.]

When I was in second grade, "I Believe in Life Ministries (IBL)" came to our church for a series of weekend classes and meetings. Since I was only seven years old, I spent most of that time in the child care area, but since I had seen the word abortion plastered all over the advertisements in my church, I did ask my parents what the word meant.

My mom explained, "Abortion is when babies are killed before they are born."

My gut instinct was to be absolutely horrified by this idea. And even at that age, I felt like I needed to be sprung from child care and sit in the meetings and services to show my support for these babies - whoever and wherever they were - that were being killed. My mom compromised by purchasing for me a tape of music by Penny Lea, IBL's founder. I played it and played it until it wore out, at which time I wrote to IBL in my childish handwriting, "I LOVE Penny Lea's music, and I think abortion is WRONG! But I broke my mom's tape. Could you send me another one?"

Amazingly, at no charge, they did!

Just before the famous 1984 Presidential election, in which Reagan was elected almost unanimously (Minnesota was the lone blue state that year, lol!), our church held a pro-life rally in our small town. I insisted that our family had to attend. And we did. In the pouring rain, we marched down main street and ended at City Hall, spending time listening to speeches and praying.

Growing up, I continued to hold to my passionate pro-life views - joining "Teens for Life" as a junior higher; participating in the annual "pro-life speech contest," and at sixteen, wearing black in mourning the day after Bill Clinton was elected. As a sophomore in high school, I took part in a peaceful demonstration at an abortion clinic on January 22nd - the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. There were demonstrators there from both sides of the issue, and we all drank coffee together in the 15-20 degree weather, watching the adults on either side passionately debate their points of view, while passersby honked their horns and shouted either, "CHOICE, CHOICE, CHOICE!" or "OVERTURN ROE VS. WADE!"

I still feel very strongly that abortion is taking a life.

But I also feel that we sometimes go about fighting it the wrong way. I read an article once about a woman who had just found out that she had miscarried. In her town, the hospital did not have the facilities for a D&C, and so they sent her to the local abortion clinic for the procedure. Now remember, her child had already died. She was greeted by pro-life demonstrators who called her a "baby killer" as she entered the clinic. She had already been feeling guilty, wondering if she had done something wrong - exercised too hard, eaten something she shouldn't have eaten, etc. - to cause her miscarriage, and hearing those words screamed in her ear were about the lowest point in her life.

I tell this story to illustrate the necessity of changing the way we look at this issue. I know that many of us who are against abortion were dismayed when President Obama, one by one, began undoing the pro-life legislation that President Bush had signed. And I am sure he's not done yet - he hasn't yet fulfilled all of his campaign promises in that area.

BUT...Roe vs. Wade happened in 1973. No President - Republican or Democrat, pro-life or pro-choice - has been able to reverse it. There are a lot of "ifs" involved. IF a Supreme Court justice dies or retires, and IF we can get a President who would appoint a pro-life justice, and IF we get enough justices who support the President's interpretation of the Constitution, and IF the issue comes up again in the Supreme Court...

So what are we as citizens to do?

The reason I stopped attending Teens for Life and participating in the speech contests was because all we did was sit around and talk about how bad abortion was, and whine about the fact that President Clinton was pro-choice. I finally said, "You know? We all believe that abortion is wrong. Otherwise we wouldn't be here." But we never DID anything about it. I felt like I was wasting my time.

I say all the time that no one in the city in which I minister has any right to wave the pro-life banner when our local crisis pregnancy center is struggling financially and desperate for volunteers. The only way we are going to stop abortion is to get involved at a local, grassroots level. We may not stop it on a large scale, but if we can, through our efforts, prevent one baby from being killed - isn't that worth it? It would be great if abortion were made illegal, but right now it's not.

It's an industry. It operates on the principle of supply and demand. So we need to dry up the demand for it.

How do we do this?

1. Volunteer at or donate to your local crisis pregnancy center. Our has a "baby boutique," where expectant moms can purchase baby supplies at a low cost. Next time you're at Target or Walmart, throw a package of diapers in your cart to donate.

2. Show compassion to friends facing unplanned pregnancies. Yes, we believe that premarital sex is wrong, but once a person is pregnant, the deed has been done. They can't go back and do it over, and we need to move forward and celebrate their decision to choose life!

3. Make our churches atmospheres of acceptance and help for those who are facing these pregnancies. Especially in this economy, people feel that they have no other option but to abort. No, the church general fund cannot do it all. But if we create an atmosphere that celebrates life, then individuals can help as they are able.

Author Anne Lamott writes in her essay "Why I Make Sam Go To Church," that when she came to her current church, a new believer (broke and unemployed) facing an unplanned pregnancy, the elderly ladies in the church embraced her 100%. They referred to her son as "OUR baby," slipped her bags of dimes to help her out financially, and brought her casseroles. None of this came from the pastor or the treasury. It came from the individuals in the congregation who were committed to celebrating life.

We cannot change what the current administration is doing. But we can change what we do! Are you with me?

What's up with the blogging hiatuses?

2009-03-14T21:06:00.002-05:00

Almost all of my favorite bloggers are not blogging regularly for whatever reason...how on earth am I supposed to procrastinate now? LOL!!!!!! Thanks, Deanna, for continuing to provide me with daily material for when I just need a break ;o).

So a few months ago, I blogged about a miracle that we desperately needed concerning a supposedly unpaid bill and a summons to court.

It dragged on...and on...and on...as most dealings with the U.S. Judicial system do, but the bottom line was this:

We HAD been paying the bill on a regular basis (Duh!).

The parent company, through a computer glitch, had sold the account to TWO separate collection agencies (I am counting down the days when words like "collection agency" and "debt management plan" are no longer part of my vocabulary - roughly two more years!!!!). So we were paying to one, but according to the other one's records, we hadn't been paying on it.

So...long story short, about a week ago, we received a letter from the law firm handling the case that said (in legal terms), "Oops...our bad!" The case has been dismissed and is one less thing hanging over our heads.

Thanks for praying all those months back - I guess the courts were too busy prosecuting ACTUAL criminals for me to get an update to you in a timely manner!!!!

Where did we go (Finding Myself, Part 2)?

2009-03-12T10:59:00.003-05:00

Ten years is a long time.

It's a whole decade, after all. So many things change in ten years...fashion, music, trends, t.v. shows coming and going (except The Simpsons, for some strange reason!). Ten years ago, I had been out of college for only a year. My 10-year high school reunion was nowhere in sight - now it's long past.

I was married ten and a half years ago.

We were married, not so much as a result of some passionate whirlwind romance, but more of a realization that we both wanted to spend the rest of our lives with our best friend. We knew that our relationship had reached a crossroads: either decide to spend the rest of our lives together, or let each other go and find someone else to spend the rest of our lives with.

Neither of us could stand the thought of being without the other - of the other one finding someone else to share their life with. I guess that's love. Maybe mixed with a little bit of codependency - but that's all been resolved through counseling, anyway :o).

This was someone I had known for 10 years at that point. We had been friends for about seven of those years; dated for five. I have now officially known him for more of my life than I didn't know him.

And in the beginning, we didn't need to rely on others for fun and entertainment. We made our own. From driving around exploring NE Minneapolis (our new home!), to running to Michael's and buying some paints and flat wooden blocks, determined that we were going to go home and create a masterpiece. We discovered that we sucked at art (at least visual art - we're both more performance art people!). Sometimes we'd head to Perkins weird hours, have coffee or hot cocoa and pancakes and find an issue that we were on opposite ends of and debate it. He described himself as a "left-wing conservative," and me as a "right-wing liberal."

We were young. We were fun. We were quirky. We had some crazy friends and a standing invitation to Wednesday night bowling in South St. Paul (it started after leagues ended at 9 pm, and went as long as we felt like staying...). Ultimately, though, our friends were more like frosting on the cake than the cake itself.

I married my best friend. I purposely and intentionally pursued someone who enjoyed the same things as me - not my polar opposite. I had no interest in a husband who would sit at home all the time and watch "the game." I did not desire someone whose biggest thrills included hunting and fishing [especially ice fishing - someone please explain to me the enjoyment in that!!!]. We would occasionally go snowmobiling together if we were at his parents' house in the winter, but that is about as "outdoorsy" as we have ever gotten!

So...when did all that change?

When did we become so convinced that in order to have fulfillment and happiness in life, it depended on other people? When did we fall into these completely fake (at least for us!) roles that we somehow decided were the "right" way to do things? When did we lose "us"?

I am not suggesting that we withdraw into our own private cocoon and never spend time with other people - we would turn into his parents if we did that, and as much as I love them, their lifestyle is not one that I would want to emulate. Quite the contrary - we always had people to spend time with before - and I'm still not sure where the dividing line between "before" and "now" was drawn. We would sit in our apartment (or our house, once we bought it!) and decide if tonight we wanted to spend time with friend x, y, or z, or just each other - and we'd call them. Sometime we'd just hop in the car and drop in on one of them.

On a blog that I read semi-regularly, I read (and this is a rough quote), "It's time for me to stop complaining about being a square peg in a round world, and start finding some other square pegs to hang around."

And I think the key to finding these fellow square pegs is to go back to being who we are instead of trying to force ourselves into someone's man-made idea of what a "good Christian marriage" should look like. We're Christians. We have a marriage. Therefore, ours is and always has been a Christian marriage. So what if ours doesn't look like someone else's? It works for us - and since it does not consist of anything outside Scripture, I think God is pretty much okay with it, too!!

God has been dealing with me lately on the issue of anger. Yes, I have a lot of anger built up in me. I have asked Him to take it and throw it away because I don't want it anymore. But I am all too aware of how quickly it can come back. Anger at the world. Anger at myself. Anger at my spouse. And I've been angry at all of us for not measuring up to some standard that I'm not even sure how to define.

I do not want to...no, I REFUSE to...end my life as an angry, bitter woman who has tried and failed to live up to everyone else's hopes and dreams.

I want to find ME again. And in our marriage, I want to find US again.

Point to Ponder

2009-03-11T17:34:00.003-05:00

I know that most of my readers aren't exactly fans of his - but he does make a good point here:

An American monkey, after getting drunk on brandy, would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men. ~ Charles Darwin

Fitting in

2009-03-09T08:21:00.003-05:00

I've never really felt like I fit in. Anywhere. There is no "group" with which I identify. This has been my mantra since about fifth grade, when it first occurred to me that I wasn't quite like everyone else. Sometimes I look like everyone else. I don't have this whole set of likes and dislikes that set me apart from the entire human race. There are similarities - I am obsessed with my hair. I love coffee. I have experienced the rites of passage that everyone else has experienced - jr. high gym class, high school graduation, marriage.

But as hard as I try to blend into my surroundings, I pretty much stick out like a sore thumb. I am too "liberal" for my conservative friends. Too "conservative" for my liberal friends. Yet I am definitely not wishy-washy. I have said often that I could never be selected to sit on a jury because I am too opinionated about everything.

I have always had this nagging thought in the back of my head that God has set me apart for something extraordinary. I don't know if it's because I've always been such an oddball (at least internally!) and I have searched for some sort of spiritual justification for it...or if God really and truly has spoken this as a word to me. I have a tendency to overly psychoanalyze everything. To death.

The Bible tells us that we are aliens and strangers - that this world is not really our home. Maybe that's why I feel a bit out of place in it. I guess I would worry if I felt too comfortable here. Then again, I feel out of place within the church, too.

But I have decided to stop worrying about it either way. Worrying (on either end of the spectrum) what would happen if people knew who I REALLY was. What if they knew I was a Christian? What if the Christians knew I read the Twilight series? What if my atheist friends ask me a question that I can't answer? What if I don't vote Republican?

How about if I just love Jesus?

I've never needed oodles and oodles of friends surrounding me. Why start now? I believe that God has hand-picked exactly who I need to have speaking into my life, and He has and will continue to drop them in my lap exactly when I need them. Why worry so much about "fitting in"? I might as well start perming my hair again, tight-rolling my jeans, spritzing myself with Debbie Gibson's "Electric Youth" perfume, and tacking NKOTB posters up on my wall!!!

As Amy Grant used to sing:

All I ever have to be is what you've made me. Any more or less would be a step out of your plan...

That's it. Done trying to chisel myself to fit man's expectations - whether "man" happens to be in the church or in the world. [By "expectations" I am not talking about my job - obviously, in any workplace, one's boss has certain expectations that need to be filled, and I still plan to fulfill, those, obviously!]

I'm done trying to fit in.

Still dizzy...

2009-03-07T17:13:00.002-06:00

...I feel worse today than I have so far.

I researched Benign Positional Vertigo online (webmd.com) and it said that it should go away within a few weeks or a few months.

Yuck.

Please pray that it goes away sooner...I need to be able to function, and right now the act of getting up from my couch to use the bathroom throws me into a tailspin. I have to try to tackle stairs tomorrow - if my husband deems me well enough to go to church. So far he has squashed every activity - including church Wednesday night (that was when he took me to Urgent Care), work on Thursday (yesterday was my day off), and Saturday night prayer, which is why I am sitting here right now.

I'm off to go dig up some dinner so I can take another dose of my medicine and hopefully feel better by tomorrow morning...

You've GOT to be kidding me...

2009-03-05T11:32:00.004-06:00

As I said last night as I watched AI..."WHAT?!?!?!?! TATIANA MADE THE WILD CARD ROUND?!?!?!?"

My husband: "Is that the annoying giggly whiny girl?"

Me: "That's her."

Him: "Stupid."

And not Ju'Not? I am outraged!!!! Not outraged enough to stop watching my favorite guilty pleasure of all time...but still...

In other news, at my husband's insistence, I missed church last night to go to Urgent Care. I have been feeling weirdly dizzy all week - kind of like I feel when I take Vicadin, only I hadn't taken anything other than a Tylenol about a week and a half ago. So he contacted all the parents of our kids' ministry team and cancelled our 5:30 practice and flagged down our PW to let her know what was up.

[Our best friend was dealing with dizziness a few years back, brushed it off as just being tired, and ended up passed out in her bathroom later that day...fortunately her husband found her right away, and it turned out to be low blood sugar, and all was well. But my husband made the point that I am alone in the office for about three hours on Thursday mornings, and if I were to pass out, there would be no one there to find me...so better safe than sorry!!!]

I teach the sr. high girls' class (Girls Only) on Wednesday nights, so I just set them loose to work on their unit and pick a song to perform for Awards night, and had our Mpact coordinator check on them now and then throughout the evening.

The diagnosis? I have Benign (Something Something) Vertigo. The "benign" means it's not life threatening, the "vertigo" means I'm dizzy and have some sort of inner ear dysfunction. So the doctor gave me a prescription for some sort of pills, told me to stay home and try not to do anything for 48 hours, and then do some exercises. Hopefully it will pass by then. A lady in our church had vertigo last spring and it lasted MONTHS!!!! I don't have months. I have days - Sunday morning comes every week like clockwork!!! So pray for me that this passes soon.

[Not that my SP would give me 40 lashes if I needed to miss or anything - he was just out of commission last Sunday with the flu. I am starting to wonder if God is up to something big in our church and the enemy is trying to stop it, because our staff has really started to get randomly sick lately...]

But, apparently vertigo affects my ability to sit at a computer screen for long periods of time, because my head is starting to spin just writing this blog. So I'm outta here for now!

Lent

2009-03-03T11:49:00.003-06:00

For some reason, this year I keep hearing people tell me what they're giving up for Lent.

Considering I grew up in a predominately Catholic and Lutheran part of the country, this should not be unusual to me. I had friends in elementary and high school who gave up soda (or "pop," as we Minnesotans liked to say!), chocolate, their favorite t.v. show, and all manner of other enjoyments. My stepsister gave up calling her brother a jerk one year. We asked her if that was something she really enjoyed doing, and she answered with a resounding, "YES!"

What is unusual about this year, though, is that I keep hearing people who do NOT normally follow the traditional church calendar tell me what they have given up or are considering giving up for Lent.

In my understanding - and if you are Catholic/Lutheran/any other church that follows the traditional church calendar, please feel free to tell me I'm wrong! - observing Lent is a way to:

a.) Identify with Christ's suffering, and
b.) Spend time each day focusing on Him in preparation for Easter

Personally? I think these are awesome goals. As Protestants, I think we don't always focus enough on just what Jesus did for us. We kind of skip over the details and just concentrate on Easter Sunday...I serve a risen Savior, He's in the world today...I know that He is living, whatever men may say...

Don't get me wrong - I think that the Resurrection is extremely important to our faith. It shows us that Jesus conquered death forever!! It means that someday, I get to see my grandma and grandpa again, and will not have to say goodbye anymore. It means a million and one amazing things that are quite honestly making it difficult to stay in my seat right now. I just want to get up and dance around the room - I am overwhelmed.

But I think we are justified in taking some time to remember just what Jesus went through, FOR US, taking the punishment that we deserved for our sin, literally being separated from His Father so that we don't have to be. Not only are we justified in it, but I think it is important to think about. Without Good Friday, we would have no Easter Sunday.

All that being said...

I think it's strange when people who virtually ignore the traditional church calendar the rest of the year (other than Christmas!) are becoming so intent on observing Lent. Even as Pentecostals, we don't really observe Pentecost. You may be saying, "But we can have Pentecost every day!!" But we don't really specifically acknowledge Pentecost as a day of celebration, or of learning about the day that tongues of fire appeared on the disciples' heads and they began to speak in other languages, and MOST IMPORTANT, 3,000 people came to Christ in one fell swoop!!! I know that some A/G churches do this, but it's not really an "across the board" thing.

I am an "all or nothing" kind of girl, and I sometimes wonder why my fellow evangelicals are all of a sudden picking and choosing which parts of the traditional church calendar to observe, and which ones to ignore - deeming it "dead religion."

Personally, I am not observing Lent. For me (and again, mainline denominational readers, correct me if I'm wrong!), part of the observation of Lent is the entire faith community observing it together. Many churches go through a Bible study together, or do some sort of community service or outreach. I think that by me observing it alone, I would not be fully benefitting from it, as my church does not observe Lent. We did, however, do a 21-day fast of our choosing in January (the 21 days were the same; the type of fast was of our own choosing!). We are also reading the Old Testament together in 2009.

Still, I think that we evangelical Protestants could benefit from some of the beauty and tradition of the church calendar observations. Tradition and ritual do not always mean the lack of a relationship with God. Reading prayers out of a book do not mean that they are not being read/spoken from the heart. We sing worship songs that someone else wrote out of a deep, overwhelming experience with God - we are singing someone else's personal songs of worship to the Lord. When we read the Psalms, we are reading someone else's prayers to God.

The Lenten season has always reminded me - and will continue to remind me that even though I am Pentecostal, my denomination does not necessarily have the "corner" on being close to God. There will be no Lutheran heaven, no Assemblies of God heaven, no Baptist or Catholic heaven. There will just be heaven - all of God's children worshipping and praising Him for all of eternity.

I can't wait!!

No more district leadership for me!!!

2009-03-02T10:01:00.003-06:00

This was from an e-mail I just received today from our district children's ministry coordinator, who is most likely cleaning her office out as we speak:

Due to budget reasons, the district is restructurning and this includes the Children's Dept. It will join with the Youth Dept. and become Family Ministries under the direction of [Current DYD].

Many thoughts race through my mind as I read this note and think about its implications.

I understand budget issues - really, I do - but why the children's leader? Why not the DYD? In most companies, it's "last hired, first fired" when it comes to layoffs. Not that I wish for anyone to lose their job, but the children's ministry director had been in the district office for much longer than the DYD, who just started less than a year ago.

Is it because she's female? Is it because it's "only children's ministry"? I hope neither of these are true, because this really sets the tone for how our district truly views me as a FEMALE CHILDREN'S PASTOR. That my job isn't really that important. That I'm not a "real" pastor, and therefore, can be lumped in as an afterthought under youth ministry.

This isn't the first district where I've seen this happen. My former district recently canned their children's director, while retaining their DYD.

Obviously, not being part of the district leadership, I do not pretend to know all the details that have led to these decisions. And if budgets are suffering, then cuts do need to be made somewhere.

But why is it always the children's department that is the first on the chopping block? Is there really NO OTHER AREA that can be trimmed? Honestly? When kids are our greatest mission field (and I'm not saying this just because I'm a children's pastor - the statistics speak for themselves!)?

If a woman heads up a department, is it considered less important if she loses her job than if a man loses his job?

In some ways, this is a mute point, because I tend to participate in events/activities with a different district (we are on the border between two states, and are closer to one than the other!), so it really shouldn't matter to me personally. And it doesn't. I am perfectly happy with the camp and kids' convention we go to, and all the amazing children's pastors and leaders I've met over the past two and a half years.

But fundamentally, this trend still disturbs me - no matter where it happens!

Healthy Living is HARD!!!!

2009-02-25T13:01:00.002-06:00

You'd think that since we're in a recession, that would actually HELP with the whole "trying to be healthy" thing. I mean...the more we eat, the more money we need to spend on food, right? So it would make sense to cut back on our food consmption so that we would have to spend money on food less often.

But back to reality: we don't do that.

I am not going to take seriously the dire warnings about how horrible our economy is until I see the parking lot at Red Robin completely empty on any given weeknight.

In all seriousness - I know that the present economy really has affected many people - some of my closest friends and family members included. So I do not mean to take lightly anyone's financial situation. It just confuses me to see so many Americans not really changing their spending habits to adjust to it. Myself included.

Which brings me to the actual point of this blog: My eating habits officially SUCK. My husband and I have fallen off the wagon so hard, I can't even see it anymore.

So we are starting over. I'm not sure what that is going to look like. We know that we felt much better (and lost a bunch of weight - most of which has been packed back on!) when we did the Daniel Fast in January. So we're thinking about primarily eating like we did then - just tons of fruits and veggies, whole grains, and some lean proteins. The only difference would be that if we chose to have an occasional treat, we wouldn't be on a FAST, so it wouldn't be like we were failing God, lol!!!

The other issue is exercise. I can do pretty much anything, but my husband had knee surgery three years ago. And when I say knee surgery, I mean that his quadricep tendon completely snapped, and had to be stitched back together. So anything high-impact...DDR, jogging, even doing the treadmill for any length of time...is pretty much out for him, because after about 10 minutes of it, his knee starts to ache.

So - I found out that the fitness room at our apartment complex has a recumbent elliptical machine AND exercise bike that might work for his knee. That is something...but we are looking for some more things that might work for him...

As of today, we're back on the wagon...as much as possible over the weekend with:

a.) Kidz Blazt (McDonald's for lunch friday; pizza for lunch Saturday!)
b.) Our annual business meeting Saturday night (BIG fancy meal...)
c.) Dinner with a new family in our church Sunday afternoon (no control over what is served)

The challenges of eating healthy and being a pastor have all converged into one weekend, it seems. But I am GOING TO DO THIS!!! Whether I go back to WW or not - we are still deciding this - BOTH my husband and I are going to take off the weight.

We have to do this.

Spilled "Milk"

2009-02-23T07:31:00.004-06:00

"They go to the bars because the churches are hostile." -Harvey Milk

Last night, my husband and I had a few people over to watch the Oscars on t.v. Two of our guests were the 17 and 20 year-old daughters of one of the most conservative families in our church. For some reason, this family has decided they really like us. We set out our traditional cheese dip (ground turkey/hamburger, salsa, and American cheese) and other snacks, handed out ballots, and made comments on all the red carpet outfits.

As we were pre-marking our ballots, someone asked, "What's Milk? I've never heard of this movie."

I replied, "It's about a gay man who ran for public office in the 60s and 70s. And it will probably win awards, because if it has anything to do with homosexuality or the Holocaust (and this year, a third "h," Heath Ledger!), it's going to win awards."

By the end of the evening, I was so tired. Tired of them feeling the need to exclaim, "That's disgusting!" every single time they showed a clip from the movie. Tired of their stereotypical statements about any man being interested in acting being gay (with my husband sitting right there, no less - he is obviously mature and thick-skinned enough to not be all upset by ignorant stereotypes coming from clueless, sheltered high school/college stuents, but still...). During Sean Penn's acceptance speech for best actor, the elder sister said, "See? That's Hollywood. It's Sodom and Gomorrah all over again!"

The thing is, I don't disagree that, according to the Bible, homosexual behavior is wrong. However, it is more complicated than denouncing "the gay agenda," or demonizing the entire homosexual community, as though they were a sea of nameless, faceless zombies whose sole purpose is to suck the life and heterosexuality out of all of us.

I can't be too harsh, because I remember having that same attitude. And then my world was turned upside down in college when several lifelong friends either came out to me or confessed their struggle with same-sex attraction. My fiance (now husband) and I had a passionate debate (Not really an argument - it was more of a late-night heated political discussion. We'd already covered the death penalty and solved the problem of world hunger and, inevitably, had moved into homosexuality as our next topic of discussion) one night about this, and he said, "What if I were to tell you I found both men and women attractive? Would you still love me?"

Rest assured, my husband is straight.

But he was making a point. And it struck home. Because it made me realize that every person who struggles in that area - whether they have given in to those struggles and declared themselves gay, or are working on fighting against them - is loved by someone. Is someone's daughter or son. Someone's brother or sister. Many have already experienced rejection by family members or close friends.

Why do we, as Christians, want to drive the final nail into the coffin?

And "hate the sin; love the sinner" is such a worn-out cliche, because if we are going to be totally honest, we don't really do that. God is the only one capable of compartmentalizing to that degree. To be totally honest, I have absolutely no right to look at someone else and loathe their sin with such passion when I have my own sins and struggles to loathe. You can't point at them and denounce them as easily as you can two men kissing or holding hands, but they're there nonetheless. In all their ugliness. Just as in need of a Savior to wash them away as anyone marching in the Gay Pride parade.

One of my biggest sins is doubt. And yes, the Bible calls it a sin. I have a tendency to doubt and not trust God in my life. And when I say this, I am talking about full-fledged panic attacks. Sleepless nights. I honestly do not relish the thought of God being on the throne of my life, because truthfully? I want to be there! There are times when I don't trust anyone but me - and I get extremely frustrated if I don't have my fingers in the details of my life. When this frustration sets in, I might as well take Galatians 5:22-23, cross out the fruits of the Spirit and write in the exact opposite to describe how I am acting.

I am being honest and transparent here, because suppose the ugliness of my sin was displayed for all to see, and I was treated this way by the Christian community:

*Called "disgusting."
*Had offensive slurs thrown my way.
*Found out that companies that supply health benefits to doubters were being boycotted by the Christian community.
*Had to listen to cruel jokes that were justified by the fact that "it's a sin, so it's okay."

You get the idea. This would not make me very excited about being part of this "community."

You may say, "Well, yes - but you are a Christian and recognize that it is a sin."

Doesn't that make it worse? Doesn't the Bible say that "if someone knows to do good but does not do it, to him it is sin?" Doesn't my repeatedly refusing to trust God, despite His overwhelming success at working in my life and blessing me, make me even worse than someone who is not a Christian - who doesn't know the peace of Christ - doing the same thing?

My point here is not to beat myself up. My point here is not to minimize any sin - hidden or displayed.

I am, however, reminded of the old gospel song, "When He was on the cross, I was on His mind." Not just me, with my polite, "acceptable" sins. But the homosexuals. The terrorists. The pornographers. The worst people that we can think of in our society - these are people that God loved so much, that He sent His Son to die on the cross for.

It is not our job to be the Holy Spirit. We were not assigned the job of judge, jury, or executioner. Can we pray for them? Of course. Can we share Christ with them? Absolutely! But we need to remember that the Holy Spirit still works, and the blood of Jesus will never lose its power. And we are underestimating the power of the Holy Spirit to convict of sin and draw people to Jesus when we try to do His job for Him.

And remember and learn from this powerful quote by Mary Griffith, whose son Bobby committed suicide in the early 1980s (I am not advocating PFLAG or Griffith's involvement in the organization - but she does make a good point! The church should be a place of healing and CONVICTION of sin, not of condemnation and hate),

"...when you echo 'amen' in your home or your place of worship, remember that a child is listening."

Thank Goodness It's FRIDAY!!!!

2009-02-20T13:46:00.002-06:00

Recently (several times lately for some reason!) I have received the following comment from people:

"Gee, I wish I had Fridays off!!!"

My new standard answer is, "Okay...but your trade-off is working Saturday evenings and most of the day Sunday. Any takers?"

We have Saturday night prayer at our church, which all staff members are required to attend, and two services on Sunday mornings. I'm not complaining at all - I pretty much love what I do - but seriously, people? At least let me have my Fridays without the snide comments!!!

What's really funny about that is that I usually spend most of the day Friday getting my house clean. Especially this week, since we are having people over to watch the Oscars on Sunday night...some of whom have never seen my home.

I really hate to burst the bubble of anyone who thinks I lead some sort of exciting life on Fridays while the rest of you are at work...but I don't.

Today I kicked it up a notch and made banana bread because I had overripe bananas and I hate wasting food. And a batch of chocolate chip cookies because we had leftover chocolate chips from our bake sale last week (We were one bag short for the chocolate fountain, Patrick sent someone out to pick it up, and apparently "God" told this person to buy more and donate them to us. I'm not one to doubt someone's ability to hear from God or look a gift horse in the mouth, but doesn't He know I'm trying to LOSE weight? LOL!!!!).

And now I am signing off to go dust and vaccuum my living room. Woo-hoo!!!!

Proud Auntie Time...

2009-02-17T14:54:00.002-06:00

This is my niece Sophia at 8 months old - and no, I can't believe she's that old already!! Can you tell her mom is a hair stylist? LOL!!!!

It's really hard to stay depressed when there is that much cuteness in my life. And no, I don't get to see her every day, but I get a new "camera emptying" e-mail from my brother about every other day. They are buying a new video camera this week, so stay tuned for the latest YouTube celebrity as well (I am not even kidding about this.)

I had a fantastic night last night - Patrick and I met our friends Trisha and Scott in Milwaukee...they are another "wife is a children's pastor; husband is not credentialed" couple, and we try to meet and hang out on a semi-regular basis. We ate at the Cheesecake Factory (yes, I will pay dearly for this at my next weigh-in, but it was SOOOO worth it!), and then to the mall right next to the restaurant.

Trisha decided that since we both have Kidz Blazt (our state kids' convention) coming up in 11 days, we needed massages...so she paid for us to each get a 10-minute massage in the middle of the mall. I did not realize how many knots I had in my back - but I feel much better now, lol!!! I also stopped by the Aveda store and bought my favorite product - the Self-Control hair stick - so now my hair will smell beautiful.

All the while, our husbands hung out in Barnes and Noble - yes, more book geeks!!!

Sometimes a person just needs an evening like that - hanging out with friends that you DON'T have to censor yourself in front of.

It's been an energy-filled day, getting everything together that I need to get together (and no, I am not nearly done!!), and I am waiting for my husband to get here so we can finalize some of our plans with our pastor...and then go home, crash on the couch, and watch yesterday's episode of "Heroes." And of course AMERICAN IDOL!!!!

Later, all...

Confession Time

2009-02-16T13:44:00.002-06:00

The world is a vampire. - Smashing Pumpkins, "Bullet With Butterfly Wings"

No, I am not going to confess how I read the 800+ page fourth book in the "Twilight" series over the weekend. Oops, too late! My husband bought it for me, along with the DVD of the movie Across the Universe for Valentine's Day. I would say I'm a bad wife for not buying him anything, but the truth is, I was under the assumption that we had agreed NOT to exchange gifts this year. That's the kind of guy I'm married to, though - and he knows me well enough to know that I would much prefer a book I've been wanting to read and a trippy, artsy musical directed by Julie Taymor to flowers and candy. Sigh...feeling all mushy and in love now...

And if you're offended by the fact that I am a Stephanie Meyer fan? I'm already over it. Moving on...

Anyway, here's my confession: I don't always enjoy what I do.

But Leanne, you say, as you slap your knee in disbelief, you're called to do this.

And I say, why, yes, I am called. And most of the time, I am thrilled to be called. I am excited about our series that we have coming up in March, and even more excited about the one to follow (Perry Noble says that if a pastor is more excited about a previous series than one that he or she has coming up, then they're in trouble! I pretty much agree...and I am fast becoming one of this guy's biggest fans).

As I look back over where my life has taken me over the past six years, I can scarecely believe it. This time of year makes me a little sad because we had just started (6 years ago) working on the musical Narnia, where I got to know some of my best friends in the world, none of whom I get to live near anymore. But for the most part, life is good. Our leadership meeting for Sunday evening was cancelled, so Patrick and I are working on throwing together an Oscar party.

I feel like...maybe...we're tentatively even starting to make some friends here. Not necessarily "buddies," but people that we know wouldn't let us starve to death. People we can call to help us fix our ghetto-fab car when we need it (I will post some pictures of it here someday...it is pretty hysterical that the thing is still running!!). People that we have helped on occasion.

Our ministry is not quite exploding yet, but it is "sparkling." [With apologies to Edward Cullen...LOL!!!!] Someone asked me how many kids we had in 1st service yesterday, and I said, "Um...100?" It was actually more like 30-40, but the room seemed really packed. I called it "invasion of the kindergarteners." I don't know why all the 5 and 6 year-olds in town decided to descend on my kids' church this past month, but I'll take it!

So with all that's going well in my life, why am I not always loving it?

Because...and this actually surprises some people...I am an introvert. I can be extremely outgoing. I am blunt and opinionated. I have a degree in theatre, for Pete's sake! But I feel like, working in a church of our nature, I just don't get enough "down time." And I need down time to function. This "running around like a chicken with my head cut off" was fine for me when I was fresh out of college, but now that I'm an old woman of 32, it just doesn't always cut it anymore.

I need more days to just...be. To curl up on the couch and read an 800-page book. To hop on the train with my husband and bum around Chicago for the day. To sit in a coffee shop with my laptop writing the Great American Novel. I am a writer at heart - introverted, kind of a recluse - much happier with a pen and paper or my computer than I am being around the general public.

I sometimes wonder why God would call me to such a public ministry when I could be changing the world from my keyboard instead. And yet...I can't just leave my job. Because, 1.) I am called to it; and 2.) I need the money. Writing is not exactly a lucrative job, unless you happen to hit it big with a successful series or catch Oprah Winfrey's eye.

And this is why, to quote more from the Smashing Pumpkins song I quoted above (and if you're offended that I am acquainted with Smashing Pumpkins lyrics...again, I'm already over it!), "Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage!"

And why I don't always love what I do. Fortunately, I DO love it about 98% of the time.

As for the other 2%? That's what I have my fluffy fiction novels, my fleece blanket, and my coffee maker for!